I remember very well the first time that Chad and I ever kissed. It was September 7, 1997. I was a nineteen year old awkward teen, with too-poofy hair and little knowledge of how anything in this world works. He was a long-haired deep thinker in a rock and roll band. And, there we were, sharing a kiss in a parking lot in Lubbock, Texas.
It was my first kiss. Ever.
I don’t how much of it had to do with my upbringing or the strict moral rules I sort of inflicted on myself. I’m not sure if it was just because I never really wanted to kiss anyone else. Or maybe I was scared. Or maybe too awkward.
Or maybe somehow, someway, God, with His divine grace and His perfect timing, protected me from ever giving my heart away before it was time. But, whatever the reason, I am so glad that Chad is the only person I’ve ever kissed.
September 7, 1997
I know that a lot of things are written these days to the girls who have already had sex, to the ones who are past the point of first kisses and first sexual experiences. And, I’m so glad there’s so much out there about the absolute truth of God’s grace and His forgiveness and how you are NEVER out of the reach of His mercy and love. I’m so glad that if you’re reading this right now and you have made sexual decisions that you regret, I can reiterate with no exceptions that God loves you deeply, and He will forgive you. And, you can move forward and make choices that honor Him.
But, I’m not really writing this particular post for you.
I’m writing this for the girls who haven’t had boyfriends. The ones who are wondering if there’s something wrong with them because they haven’t had sex. The ones who are longing to kiss or have sex with someone–anyone–just so that they won’t be the only ones in the world who haven’t.
I’m writing this to my own daughters.
Because I want you to know that there are still plenty of people who hear that Chad is the only person I’ve kissed who will think it’s weird. Who will think it’s crazy. Unreasonable. Who will think that there must’ve been something wrong with me as a teenager.
There will be people who get mad that I even wrote this post, because who am I to tell everyone that I was an un-kissed virgin on that September day, or that I was a virgin on my wedding night? How can I share this when it might make girls who have already had sex feel like they are being judged? Please know that is not my goal.
But, I want the unkissed girls out there to know something. I don’t regret a single non-kissed moment of my teen years. I don’t regret a single non-sexual moment. If you haven’t been kissed or haven’t had a boyfriend, good. Don’t worry about that. Focus on loving Christ with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. Wait for God to do what He will do.
Despite what movies and magazines will tell you, the point of life is not to be paired up with another person. I don’t know what God has planned for you or your relationships. But, I can tell you, as a girl who wasn’t kissed until her second year of college, that you aren’t weird or out of step if you are waiting or haven’t had the opportunity.
You may just find that one fall evening, the perfect moment will arrive during a walk to your car in an oddly romantic parking lot in West Texas. I don’t feel like I missed out on a single thing. And, that is one kiss that I will never, ever forget.
Hang in there. Kiss when it matters. Have sex when you’re safe in the arms of a man who has pledged his life to you. And, above all, trust that God sees you. He hasn’t forgotten your longings or your desires or your dreams. Waiting on Him is always the best way, the safest way, the bravest way, and the most fulfilling way.
And, if you haven’t waited, just remember that He is the God of fresh starts. Begin again, and wait to see how He will bless.
Our first kiss was nice when it happened. It was a sweet memory on our wedding day. And, fifteen years and three kids later, it has grown to mean so much more: the very blessed beginning of a whole life that was built on the beautiful, sometimes strange way that God works. It’s worth it. Wait well, and love God with all you have. He sees you.
Bless the waiting. Bless the not yet. Bless you, sweet girls.
There is a pagan website (t-nation) I used to spend a ton of time on. Preaching Christ and Him crucified. The question came up about pornography and virginity and so on. This was a few years ago now. This site has no moderation so the discussion can get pretty raw. (not from me) I was decrying the demise of the traditional family and the corresponding moral degeneration, when somebody asked about my life in this regard. This is what I told him with some slight editing for literary flow:
I wanna make clear that apart from the grace of my beautiful savior? I have been and am every bit as bad as anyone else and probably worse than many. I’ll just say that in my young days before I came to know the Lord I was a pretty boy. Looong blonde n blue with a serious gift of gab. I had no problem getting girls to do what I wanted. If God would grant me one wish I would ask Him if I could marry my wife over with both of us being virgins so we could make all those glorious discoveries together just the two of us. I mean that with everything I am man. I am just as guilty as anybody else.
He has [however] made me new. I tell you from the core of my being I wish I had never seen another woman unclothed in my life other than my beloved covenant wife. I cannot un-remember my past, (oh how I wish I could) but I can be eternally grateful for having been forgiven for it. I’ll be honest. It’s only as I’ve gotten older and grown in the Lord that I’ve come to realize just how precious my girl is to Him and therefore How precious she should be to me. She is His greatest gift to me save for the blood of His Son alone.
I am 100% onboard with everything you’ve said here Melissa. Yes. God can, does and will forgive. The debauchery of our day has nothing on cities like Corinth and Ephesus and the Lord certainly saved many of them. However, though I’ll never have it, I do so very much wish we had both your testimony and your experience as a couple. It’s biblical and beautiful.
Don’t be surprised if you get some gals here accusing you of the very things you were so careful to point out you were not saying though. 😉
Praise God for his forgiveness to any who are guilty of “not waiting” for what is only supposed to be shared by man and wife, if they repent, and may God’s guiding hand continue to guide those who “are waiting” into the arms of, and into covenant with, the one he has for them on this earth. If for some reason they never find “the one” here, may they find that true contentment in finding “The ONE” who will love them through this life and for all eternity: Jesus Christ.
Melissa,
I have so enjoyed reading your blog posts. I feel like we’re sitting in our apartment at HPU having a good chat!! Sometimes I read the really funny posts to Clay and we have a good laugh! Thank you for your honesty and good humor.
Much love,
Corrie
Corrie! I wish we were sitting somewhere chatting! Thank you for commenting. Love and miss you!
BTW, I’m pretty sure I remember Chad performing in that shirt a time or two!!
Love this!!! Tomorrow is my husband’s and my 8th anniversary. We got married a month after I turned 20, both of were virgins. He was my first real kiss (not counting truth or dare kisses from childhood, LOL). 8 years and 6 kids later, I’m so thankful we waited for each other. I remember feeling “broken” before I met him. What was wrong with me? Why did all of my friends have boyfriends and I was always the fifth wheel? Looking back I’m so glad I had God’s covering over my life and my relationships. I want the same for my kids and pray they have the same experience. 🙂 Thank you for writing this!!
I love this story! Thank you so much for sharing.
I have a similar story to the above post, although now we have been married 32 years and have 6 kids. (My “baby” just left for college!:) God has blessed us in many ways, but saving us for each other was a wonderful gift! We encourage all our children to marry their best friend. Three of the six are married, and their spouses are FANTASTIC–we couldn’t have hand-picked them better! Anyway, those who are wondering “What’s wrong with me that no one “wants” me?, GIVE THANKS that you are being KEPT from sorrow. Maybe, someday you can give your WHOLE SELF to your spouse!!
Thank you for sharing a little part of your story, Laura! Six kids! You need to give parenting lessons to the rest of us! 🙂
I think this is a great article for teens. To a more mature woman who is still waiting at 30 35 40 the sentiment of ‘just be good and of course it’ll all work out’ hasn’t worked for decades. Not that as Christians we shouldn’t be committed to sexual ethics however old we are but there’s no guarantee that prince charming will ever come along. Waiting should be paired with active steps in dating not simply sitting around.
Hi, Erin! I agree that waiting for prince charming is a bad idea. I actually don’t ever tell single women that the right one will come along, because God does call some to be single. But, waiting on Him is a theme of all Christian lives. Sometimes the waiting last a lifetime. But, we can still trust His plan and His timing, even if we never get what we think we want or need. Thanks so much for commenting!
Great post. I am with you– there’s no shame in choosing to wait. In fact, there’s great reward in that choice.
Thank you so much for this. I’m 23 and waiting/hoping/trusting, but some days are harder than others. Your words were a good reminder that my sweet Savior cares about this area of my life. Jesus is enough regardless of my relationship status. Thank you for the encouragement.
Megan, I’m so glad you were encouraged! Thank you for your comment!
Great article, thanks for sharing!
If I may offer a thought–the word “wait” is a dangerous one. I know you didn’t mean it like this, but a lot of people see the word “wait” to mean waiting for God to give them a great spouse. Or worse, “waiting” to have sex SO THAT God will give them a great spouse. To most people my age, “waiting” means “waiting in line to get something,” like at a grocery store. (Sometimes we even think that “waiting” means not asking that girl out, or not striking up a conversation with the guy who helps with AWANA.)
But God doesn’t have a great marriage in the future of every person who is “waiting” for one, and that leads to disillusionment. They kept the rules and still didn’t get the (earthly) goodies that everyone around them kept saying would come (if they trust God enough).
For millions of us, “not yet” is incorrect–it’s just “not.” Fortunately, God is somehow enough even for a “not.” Someday yet, we’ll understand it.
Dan, I agree with you 100%. Waiting on God to do what He will do is completely different from waiting on a husband or wife. Thanks for making that distinction clear.
Thank you for posting this! I’ve never kissed a man, and I’ve determined to have my first kiss on my wedding day. People look at me as if I’m crazy except for the man that I am dating now. He really respects me for it and can’t wait for that day. It’s hard I’ll admit. Especially when everything is thrown at you and I happen to be bit of a romantic and read way too many books. Anyways, thank you for posting this. It’s nice to not be the only one out there.
CJS, I’m so glad you’ve been able to stick to your convictions on this. Blessings on your relationship!