When Chad and I fell in love some 30 years ago, we were products of the world we had grown up in. As Gen Xers, we cut our teeth on the tenets of feminism from a young age, and our Christian faith was colored by the ways of thinking that the culture taught us during our growing up years. I don’t believe we were really aware of it at the time, and we certainly didn’t see the ways that it would affect our relationship, but I had a prideful independence within me that was bolstered by the ways that feminist ideologies had taught us to think. Through the years we were conservative in our theology and I was a stay-at-home mother, but there was something there, some resistance to feeling my dependence on Chad; some desire to dig my heels in and insist on the ways that I stood on my own two feet or even the ways that he was dependent on me.
If I could give advice to a young bride today, after three decades of experimentally learning how to live a life that’s hopelessly and gloriously intertwined with a man’s, I would urge her to embrace her dependence on her husband. I would tell her not to just embrace it, but to revel in it, enjoy it, and celebrate it as one of the great joys of married life.
It’s a special thing to be loved and cared for by a man, even though he will do so imperfectly. I would urge a young woman on the cusp of marriage to reject unrealistic and foolish expectations that have been fueled by feminist thought. She’ll be able to recognize those ideas if they appeal to her selfish tendencies, if they insult and disparage men, if they call on her husband to excuse her bad behavior at all costs.
In truth Chad and I are wonderfully dependent on each other. God causes us to need each other, to benefit from sharing a life, to learn to love the humility that comes with knowing how much we rely on each other. There is nothing demeaning about this dependence, only something warm and self-sacrificing and life-giving, and while I used to internally try to wriggle out of my dependence on him, these days I settle right into it, because God has spent a long time showing me what a blessing it is to have a man to lean against when I’m weak and weary–not just any man, but my own, the one who has shown me grace through all my phases, the one who has loved me through many a challenging moment, the one who is still loathe to tell me not to do something. He’s spent his life cheering me on and holding me up, not holding me back. Dependence on a man who loves the Lord is one of life’s greatest blessings.
So, to the young bride I give this advice, which has been a long time growing in my own heart: cherish your dependence on your husband instead of despising it. It’s God’s gift to you, just one example of His endless patience, love, and mercy in your life.
