I saw a discussion on Facebook about marriage. One woman was asking for advice because her husband has the bad habit of playing video games all night, beginning as soon as he walks in the door from work. She was upset because he doesn’t spend time with her or their children, and they never go to bed together. She was lonely. And, she wanted to know what she should do about it.
It didn’t surprise me that someone asked about this issue. What did surprise me is how many women responded who were in the same situation. And, what bothered me even more was the advice they were dishing out.
“Take the video games away from him except on weekends,” one said. “If that doesn’t work, smash the games.”
“Make a routine,” another advised. “Every day is something different after work, and then on Sundays, after some family time, allow him to play.”
It didn’t sound like a discussion about a husband and wife, but a mother asking for advice for dealing with her naughty child.
I could write a whole post about men who are addicted to gaming and other pursuits that cause them to shirk their commitments to their families. I could write an entire book about how clueless some men are when it comes to being a responsible father and husband. But, this post is to the wives.
Stop treating your husband like he’s eight years old.
I have an eight year old son. I am constantly trying to teach him how to be. I tell him to chew with his mouth closed. I ask him if he used soap when he washed his hands. I limit his screen time and I dole out punishments and I try each day to teach him how to be a civilized human being. More than that, I try to teach him how to be a Christian. How to speak with kindness. How to sort his laundry and put away his socks. How to wash his hair and why we shouldn’t talk about poop in public.
It’s appropriate and good for me to do those things because it’s my job. I have been appointed by God to be Sawyer’s mother, and I take the responsibility seriously. I am in a position to teach him how to be a productive member of society, how to be likeable and capable and responsible.
But, my job as a wife is completely different. I know it’s hard not to nag. It’s hard not to point out all of the ways that our husbands could do better, be more, accomplish this or take care of that. It’s hard not to nitpick and mother them. It’s hard for me. Especially when I’m already in Mama Mode all the time with the three kids. If I’m not careful, I’ll find myself speaking to Chad the way I would one of the children. And, bless him, he usually overlooks it. But, I’m wrong if I ever consider it my duty to make Chad obey my wishes as if he is a little boy. I’m wrong if I speak about him to others like he’s an incorrigible child who needs to be grounded.
If we take one step back, we’ll see, dear wives, that what’s at the heart of mothering our husbands is pride and arrogance. We think we know what is best, and we want to lay down the law as if our husbands have underdeveloped brains or no common sense. It’s not our job to keep our husbands in line. And, truth be told, nagging and nitpicking and punishing and withholding good things from our husbands doesn’t work. It just breeds resentment and widens the divide between us.
I know that many of you who are reading this are thinking that you wouldn’t treat your husband like a child if he didn’t act like one. I get that. I really do. But, as long as we are slipping into the role of being his mother instead of his wife, we are only perpetuating the cycle.
All those Facebook memes have got it wrong. You aren’t the adult trying to deal with a stubborn child. You are a full-grown, feeling, thinking woman in a partnership with a full-grown, feeling, thinking man. It doesn’t really matter if we feel like our husbands behave in childish ways. If we approach them like they’re men, if we hold them to the high standards of manhood, especially godly manhood, then we are much more likely to get a manly response instead of a childish one.
And, in return, I hope that our husbands will hold us to the high standards of godly womanhood. Because Christian marriage works best when we are acting as iron sharpening iron, instead of being so focused on our own wants and needs and desires that we cut each other off before we can make each other better.
So, pray for your husband. Let God change him. Let God change you. And, don’t settle for the unsatisfying job of trying to be a second mother to your man. You will wind up feeling frustrated and rejected every time. Let God work in your husband’s life, and be a faithful partner and friend, showing him that you respect him as a man rather than sending the message that he is nothing more than an incompetent child in your eyes.
This is required reading for all would-be wives, but there is one more thing to consider. Eventually, children leave their parents. In the same way, husbands who feel they are treated as a child will leave their wives.
So when your husband complaints about being treated like a child, he has already started the process of leaving you. That is your warning to decide between trying to fix him and being married to him, because you can’t have both.
I am speaking as a man about to leave his wife for this very reason. She has said that she will continue to treat me like a child until I prove to her satisfaction that I have “grown up.” And what’s more grown up than moving out of your home where you will always be seen as a child?
I’m so sorry to hear that this is where you are in your marriage. I hope you’ll reconsider and seek counseling if you haven’t already done so. Thanks for your candid comment!
Conversely, wives who are tired of parenting their husbands will leave. My neighbor has just separated from her husband because he would not man up for her, or their 2 year old son. She is not Christian, so doesn’t consider herself bound to her husband in the same way.
I don’t like how you say that a man complaining of being treated like a child is a warning that he’s already leaving. It sounds like a threat and I’m at fault. I had such a complex about nagging when I was first married that I couldn’t bring myself to remind my husband about a minor issue more than twice, because it felt like nagging. After a long discussion, he gave me permission to “nag” because sometime he just needs a few reminders. My point in including this is that there’s nuance. Sometimes I need to let it go, sometimes he needs reminding (that feels like nagging, even though it isn’t).
Thank you for your post! It is definitely great to be reminded that we are not our husband’s mother, but their helper. I am including a link to an article that was so convicting on how we can get our husbands to resent us by some of the things we do.
http://thecripplegate.com/how-wives-can-get-their-husbands-to-resent-them/#more-76374
This is wonderful, and yes, should be a must read for most wives or those about to be married. The trouble in America is we’ve made men, especially fathers, into buffoons. It’s ridiculous. Women have wanted to climb over them to somehow be “on top” (or the one in charge, getting our own way) in a relationship. We need to realize that both men and women have strengths and they are not always the same ones, but they can complement each other and work together to make a whole–as in a marriage. The Word of God tells us, as women, to respect our husbands and that’s exactly what we need to return to–respecting the men in our lives for the intelligence, strength, wisdom and gentleness that God gave them.
So what do you do when your Christian husband continues to do those things, with no regard for his wife or the life they’re supposed to be living together? He doesn’t stop the games or doesn’t stop spending all your hard-earned money on whatever he wants to buy so there’s none to pay the bills with or won’t talk to you for weeks on end and you end up closing yourself off emotionally to be able to cope? You look forward to the weekend together after working 10 hour days only to find that he’s made plans with his buddies instead of you and didn’t tell you. So you end up a cold sad depressed person because he doesn’t see that he’s supposed to be a man now, a husband. Not a single guy with a girl for a roommate. Who is supposed to be teaching these men how to be men? Not their wives, I agree with you. But how does one cope with that?
Susan, in a perfect world, other men would be discipling and teaching men. In your case, I would suggest that you and your husband get counseling. A counselor or pastor might be able to help you both assess what the state of your marriage actually is, and help you work to make changes to save it. I’m so sorry this is the experience you’re having in marriage. Does your husband have a trusted older man in his life who might be able to disciple him? His dad or your dad or someone in your church? You would benefit from having an older woman who can advise you, too. My main advice would be not to just live a lonely and sad life without actively trying to get help for you and your husband. Things can change for the better!
I have tried speaking with my husband on an adult level. He doesn’t get it.
So now I don’t speak at all. Much less stress.
I’m so sorry. I know I sound like a broken record, but counseling can work wonders. Seek help for your marriage.
Wives are co- magistrates in the home. If a husband is shirking his duties, pointing it out is not nagging or mothering, it’s accountability. If he is not willing to be accountable, the wife is not the one at fault.
Yeah but the reason this author was bothered was not merely because these wives were upset and complaining about this issue, it’s also because some of them recommended handing out punishments to their husbands to get them to do their duties. In this instance, a husband stops spending time with his kids and wife because he’d rather spend time playing games and many recommend that they make a schedule with him and insist he follow it, or get rid of the games if he won’t follow with it. Is that acceptable?
Susan, Speaking as a wife who knows marital troubles of this type; all is not lost. God is able to give us a satisfied heart and fill the longing soul. We do have a responsibility to walk in biblically shaped behavior toward our spouse. But, when one fails to do such, the other isn’t free to do any less. Therefore, we must look to God for His grace enabling to continue in love. For a wife it may be without a word (1 Peter 3:1). Our words cannot change the will or ways of our man. We are called to allow the work and will of God in us through our own surrender to God that we may be daily transformed into the image of Christ. Romans 12:1-2. Pour out your complaint to God, He hears you and He cares. Read His word, let His truth comfort, heal, and grow you. You are in a trial of affliction. He is near to the broken-hearted. He will give the peace and contentment you need to function in the daily ministry of being a gracious godly wife. Remember, your marital commitment is first to God- then to your husband. Honor God by trusting Him in this hard season. He will use this season to deepen your intimacy with Him and make your marriage to be one that shines for Jesus- in that you’re choosing to love by faith rather than by reciprocity.. (Sounds like self-sacrifice I know, but even that’s a glory; as Jesus showed us on the cross). Grace to you…
Ps. A godly woman friend as a regular prayer partner may be a help for you now- ask God to direct you to a lady who is strong in the word and in faith- who’s also for your marriage.
Hi Melissa,
As a man, I want to thank you for this wise counsel to your sisters in Christ. I worry that many Christians, male and female, have internalised the dopey dad/condescending wife trope that is ubiquitous in the media. Sometimes it seems like every television commercial portrays men as idiots, wimps or both with the obligatory eye-roll from their wives. I fear that when men accept an invitation to church all they see is a sad reflection of our emasculated culture and, understandably, never return. The other side of this coin, as you mentioned, is men discipling men. I’m not saying anything new here but many Christian men need grow up. You can’t have a career, a marriage, children and all your adolescent hobbies. Stop prioritizing video games, Reddit and televison over your responsibilities as a husband and father. Embrace manhood. OK, rant over.
Thanks again Melissa.
P.S. The name of your blog cracks me up!
Thank you for your kind words, Jacob!
Loved this. Thank you