Your Mom Has A Blog

Sex Should be Spiritual

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God designed sex within marriage to be a sacred, pleasurable, and spiritual act. We don’t often stop and think about how amazing it really is that God invented sex and gave it such potential to build a physical and spiritual union between two people in the safety and devotion of a Christian marriage. Sex is an amazing gift, a chance to be bonded in body, mind and spirit. One flesh. Yet everywhere I turn Christian people seem to be struggling with sex.

It seems that we have taken what should be a true blessing in our marriages and have turned it into a chore. Women are constantly joking about trying to get out of having sex with their husbands. Husbands are constantly joking about how they don’t get enough sex. And, somewhere in the middle of all of the casual talk about it, are two people, naked and vulnerable in the quiet of their own bedroom, struggling to figure out how to connect spiritually while they make love.

We live in a world that is unbelievably sexual. Every commercial, television show, book, and magazine is putting sexual images and ideas into our minds every day. Porn culture has warped our idea of what sex is. It isn’t a union of two bodies and souls, but a chance to get what we want. Slowly the notion has crept into our minds that we need satisfaction by whatever means necessary, even in Christian marriage. So, we come to the sacred place where we should be experiencing a spiritual union with our spouse, and we bring along years’ worth of images and fantasies that have nothing to do with them. And, instead of being completely present in this beautiful moment, instead of wholly giving ourselves to our spouse, we retreat and call up these images, and the spiritual union is weakened at best, and completely severed at worst.

No wonder Christian marriages are having sex problems.

Pornography is a huge part of the problem. But, maybe you don’t watch porn. You have seen plenty of movies, read plenty of books, created plenty of fantasies in your mind that don’t involve your spouse. The truth is that unless we are diligent about it, we will all allow our minds to wander to scenes that we have viewed or imagined, even when we are in the middle of trying to make love to our spouse. We may not even realize what we’re doing, inviting other people into this holy moment. Letting outside ideas and images crowd in on the beautiful act of giving ourselves to one another. How can we expect to achieve a soul-to-soul union with our husband or wife when we are escaping to some love scene or pornographic image? Before long we forget how to really be present in this divine moment, this spiritual experience of loving the person right in front of us, in the ways that only we can. We have to keep ourselves anchored to each other during sex, and the only way to do that is to banish outside images from our minds. Not only that, but we have to be careful to keep from bringing brand new images into our minds, by guarding what we see and hear and read.

I know many of you are thinking that this is not a big deal, or that it is impossible to have sex without calling up images and ideas that have aroused you in the past. But, if it were an impossibility, why would Paul advise us to take every thought captive to obey Christ? (2 Corinthians 10:5) If it is no big deal, then why did he tell us to think about what is noble, right, pure, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy? (Philippians 4:8) Why would Jesus tell us that anyone who looks at a woman (or man) to lust after her (or him) has already committed adultery in their heart? (Matthew 5:28)

The truth is that when we allow images of other people into our minds when we are having sex with our spouse, we are sinning, and our sex life will never achieve the spiritual depth and emotional closeness that God designed it for. There is a better way to have sex in Christian marriage. And, it isn’t just okay sex. It is life-giving, soul-stirring, and it connects you to your spouse in ways you didn’t even realize were possible. Kick everyone else out of your head. This moment is for the two of you alone, body to body, soul to soul. Anything else will lead to a lifetime of sexual emptiness, physical connection with no spiritual bond. And, despite what this world tells you, that will never be truly satisfying.

Two Minutes Before the Wedding

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The wedding ceremony was going to start in five minutes, and Chad and I were in his office, trying to quickly hash out an argument we had been stewing over since the night before. It was going to be difficult for him, the pastor, to go out there and deliver an inspiring wedding day talk if his own wife was glaring at him from the audience.

We hate fighting. We both apologized and I rested my cheek on his as we stood there in a familiar embrace, both really unsure how to resolve the situation except to just get over it. We agreed that we would, and we parted ways, still awkwardly upset, but determined to put it behind us.

By the time I gathered our kids and found my spot in the sanctuary, most of the wedding guests were already in their places. A side door opened, and in walked the groom and his groomsmen. Chad led them to their places, and as the wedding music started, he turned to look at me, and he grinned.

It was a grin that saw the humor in the fact that we had been arguing in his office two minutes earlier. That here, at a beautiful ceremony that celebrates love and thanks God for marriage, we were living proof that marriage will sometimes cause you to waste a whole day being angry at the person you love most. And, it was also a grin that knew that everything is really okay.

I’m thankful for a life in pastoral ministry. Many couples can go weeks or months or even years without ever facing the ways that they are sinning against each other. But, a pastor and his wife always have a Sunday morning or a Sunday evening or a Wednesday night coming. They always have a wedding ceremony or a funeral to prepare for. There is always a close and important reminder that we are trying to live according to God’s word. And, there is always an urgency to figure things out, to be friends, to rely on each other and to spur each other on to holiness and godliness.

After the wedding, we decided to load up the kids and take the minivan to a neighboring town for tacos. Chad reached over and grabbed my hand. We didn’t have to hash things out any longer. We had said what needed to be said in those rushed moments in his office. We had been heard. We had been forced to face the issues. And, we had been reminded, when we heard wedding vows repeated with happy tears, what a gift from God that this life really is.

I thank God that He gives us so many checkpoints along our path in ministry. Every sermon, every teaching, every ceremony–they all help us remember that we want to live what we are saying. God is always working, even two minutes before the wedding starts. And, I’m grateful.

I Just Can’t Stop

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I have spilled a lot of ink through the years trying to find all the right words to describe what it’s like to know true love. In the past six years I’ve written roughly 40 blog posts devoted to Chad and our marriage and our great love for each other. Sometimes I wonder if there’s anything left to say, but still I keep going. The words and ideas come out of the genuine wonder that I still feel after all of this time.

Today is our eighteenth wedding anniversary.  I woke up thinking about our first night together in that little bed and breakfast in Granbury, Texas. I remember that I hardly slept all night–I wasn’t used to having this other person in my bed. We both woke up throughout the night, surprised I think, to remember that we were now responsible for each other.

I was embarrassed to even flush the toilet that first night.

But, this morning, we woke up in our familiar way, eighteen years into this thing.  We have plowed through, tripped over, and prayed that God would tear down various barriers between us through the years. And, this morning, after we had only recently seen another fall, I thanked God that He keeps proving to us that it is possible to continue growing closer and closer to each other, even though we’ve been sharing every day of life for almost two decades.

This marriage is a miracle.

Our love isn’t perfect. We make plenty of mistakes and we get selfish and we get unreasonable. We say untrue things and think untrue things, and we are scared to bring up what needs to be said. We get irritated and rude. We roll our eyes.

But, of all the things that Jesus made in this world, of all the pleasures and kindnesses that He was gracious enough to provide, I don’t know if there are enough words to say thank you for this love of mine. For this marriage that has taught me so much about His goodness. For this man who has led me to the cross over and over again. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile, you’re probably tired of hearing it. But, I just can’t stop being grateful.

I hope I never do.

Happy 18th wedding anniversary, Chad.

Marriage Wounds

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The year was 1998, and Chad Edgington had decided he wanted to marry me. He scrimped and saved and schemed to buy a little diamond, and he delivered it, delicately, to a pair of brothers he knew in Nashville who were jewelry makers. He had a vision for what he wanted it to look like, and he left his words of instruction and his precious, hard-fought diamond in their care to wait and see what they would create.

The result was a never before like it or after it, truly unique, hand-crafted golden ring. It is beautiful. And, I have always felt like its unique beauty is a fair representation of the love that I have had for this boy for the past twenty years of my life.

The truth is that most days I hardly even notice the ring on my hand. But, a few days ago I looked down and realized that somehow in the course of my work, my ring had gotten knocked against my finger and had left a small cut there, hidden underneath the beautiful gold, a scar on the delicate-looking redhead’s fair flesh of my left hand. I was surprised to see it there, because in all of these years of dealing with babies and a mother’s work, I never remember my ring doing such a thing. But, there it was. A wound inflicted by the very symbol of never-ending love between a man and a woman.

I sat there for a moment and stared at my hand. It didn’t look compatible, the lovely gold set alongside the ugly gash on my freckled finger. But, I don’t know that I have ever seen a clearer picture of how marriage is an exquisitely painful, sacred journey of sanctification. Having a spouse is like living with a mirror that constantly shows you where you are weak, where you are prideful, and how in desperate need of a Savior you really are. Chad and I never could have known, all those years ago when he slipped this ring on my finger, how much joy would really be in it or how much heartbreak. Jesus put a rare love in our hearts for one another, and He has used that love to wound us in the most wondrous ways. Ways that show us who we are and who we want to be. Ways that show us how likely our hearts are to falter. Ways that show us how great His love for us really is.

The mark on my finger is almost healed now. Soon it will go away, and all that will remain is the freckles and the gold and diamond that a young idealist once scrimped and sacrificed to gift to me. For half of our lives now we have loved and hurt and grown and agonized together. And still, we are idealists. Because we have learned in this life together that God can do what seems impossible. He can take two kids who only know that they are madly in love, and He can teach them how to sanctify one another, one wound at a time. He can use great pain to bring indescribable joy. He can bind up every hurt with His love and tenderness. And, He can use every scar to show the world how great He really is.

The ring on my finger is so much more than a piece of jewelry. It is hurt. It is healing. It is sacrifice and sanctification. And, it is a testimony to godly love. Marriage is the gospel in motion. We are forever changed.

There’s More to Life Than This Temporary Phase

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Emerald turned five on Monday. I can hardly believe that our baby-est baby has already reached this age. I have known it was coming, but somehow it still shocked me when I realized the night before that this was it–our preschool phase was ending. In just one short summer, she will leap from mama’s sidekick to ecstatic kindergartner, and then I will have to re-learn my life.

Twelve years. For twelve years we have had a baby at home. And now we will send all three out there, out into the big world of learning and growing and school lessons and life lessons. And me, at home. Learning, too.

Every time a big milestone shows up in our family’s life, I remember that these days of raising kids are short. This family situation we have going–it’s temporary. And, every Christmas night, when I sit on the couch and cry because another year is over, on every night before the first day of school when I sit on the couch and cry because another year is coming, and on this past Sunday night when I sat on the couch and cried because our youngest isn’t a baby anymore, I remember something else. I remember that my one human constant, through all the change, all the growth, all the memory-making and tear-shedding is Chad Edgington.

Someday they will all be gone, making families of their own. And, God willing, Chad and I will still be here, still a family, still choosing each other every day, still grateful for the great love we share, still seeking to love each other well and know each other more.

Whatever we do, we cannot let these glorious, temporary child-raising years let us lose sight of the fact that we two will remain in the end. If we get lost in the wilds of parenting, how will we ever find each other again? It will get harder and harder with every wandering year that passes by. But, if we brave all of the terrain changes together, if we view our entire life, every phase and every trial, as an adventure that we set out on hand in hand, then how can the kid years separate us? In the end they will only give us more to laugh about, more to get misty-eyed about, more to get excited about.

If lately you have barely noticed your spouse, if you have fallen into a routine that makes you more roommates than lifemates, if you find yourself remembering less and less often why you ever fell in love, stop to recognize that this relationship deserves your attention. The children need a whole lot of you. But, your spouse needs more. Dig deep, and give and give and give. Submit yourselves to one another, and know that when your family scatters in a few years, the one person who will still be there deserves your investment of time, thought, and love.

Your Mom Has a Blog Podcast, Episode 31

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This week our youngest turned five! We survived the preschool years (all twelve of them)! High fives all around! In this episode, we talk about some things that we feel made a difference in our marriage during the crazy little bitty kid phase. We hope you’ll find some encouragement and maybe some practical advice that you can use. No experts here, just sharing what has worked for us. Also: our most loyal listeners, Chad’s latest experience with being open, and more!


We Don’t Have a Trust Problem in Our Marriage. We Have a Sin Problem.

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The woman wrote it on a marriage forum, hoping for some wise advice about the situation in her marriage. She accidentally discovered that her husband had been searching on Facebook for old girlfriends and had re-connected with several old flames through private messaging. Since that time, she checked his phone while he was in the shower and learned that he regularly privately communicates with several women. She asked if any of these things would be considered “red flags,” and if so, what should she do about it.

I skimmed the advice offered to her, expecting to to see plenty of support for a woman whose husband is obviously neck deep in a temptation that is sure to burn everyone involved. But, instead, I saw comment after comment attacking the wife.

The “red flags,” people told her, were her snooping around in her husband’s business. The only problem here, they scoffed, was that she doesn’t trust her husband. Again and again, everyone told this poor woman that SHE is the problem, for looking at what she had no right to see. For not blindly trusting her husband to have innocent conversations with women he used to date.

It’s insanity.

And then, today. The scandal of a man in politics who refuses to eat a meal alone with any woman who isn’t his wife. And, over and over again, articles phrase the whole thing as if his WIFE is the one to blame–as if she doesn’t allow him to eat dinner with other women because she is so very insecure and doesn’t trust the man she married. As if it would be ridiculous to think that a man would actually take steps to protect his marriage unless he was somehow coerced into doing so by his overbearing wife.

The world sees marriage as a basic co-habitation situation. You share a space, you share some laughs, but you still maintain your personal privacy. Any violation of that privacy is considered a weakness in you. You have trust issues. You are insecure. You are accusatory and probably need counseling.

If you don’t trust your spouse, what do you really have, they say. The world screams at us that it is despicable to think for a second that your husband or wife could be capable of having an affair. After all, people who have affairs are horrible, nasty, shady creeps.

But, do we really think that? Because we all know that people who have affairs are teachers. Pastors. Philanthropists.  Presidents, kings, and some of the most admired people who have ever walked the planet have fallen victim to the temptation to feel desired by someone they aren’t married to. We KNOW that it can happen to anyone. But, somehow we love to get all indignant about people who are willing to talk about the temptation and ways to avoid it.

Chad and I have affair safeguards in place in our marriage. It isn’t because we don’t trust each other. It’s because we both know that we have a sin problem. We both realize that we aren’t above committing ANY sin, even one that has the potential for destroying our family and our ministry. So, we really, really don’t want that to happen, and we take steps to limit opportunities for it to happen.

We have access to each other’s phones, computers, email, and social media. We are free to sit down at any time and read each other’s text messages. Does it feel weird? Yes. Is it necessary and important? Yes. Personal privacy is not a privilege of marriage in our house. We choose to be open books for the sake of our marriage, our family, and our relationship with Christ.

We avoid being alone with anyone of the opposite sex. We are careful in the ways that we communicate with them. We have accountability software on all of our computers, tablets, and phones so that the internet isn’t a temptation that will hurt our marriage.

We aren’t doing these things because I am convinced Chad isn’t trustworthy or he is convinced I’m not. We do these things because I know that I’m not trustworthy, and he knows he isn’t. We are sinners, and we have to acknowledge our tendency to do wrong so that we can encourage each other to live for Christ in every way, especially in our marriage. One place Christians cannot afford to be indignant and prideful and filled with self-righteous assurance is in our marriages. Too many awesome Christian people have succumbed to temptation for us to pretend like it could never be an issue for us.

So, we give up our privacy and we give up our pride, and in these little ways we give ourselves over to each other. This is what real trust looks like.

***

For further reading on the issue of temptation: It Only Takes a Spark 

 

Marriage is Trusting Each Other on the Winding Mountain Roads of Life

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I have always been a vivid dreamer. When I was a kid, for years I had a recurring dream about a monster in the foyer of our house. As an adult, my dreams are often about hiding from tornadoes or driving into floodwaters with my kids in the car. Every single dream seems so real that when I finally wake up in our cool, dark bedroom with Chad breathing beside me, it’s the best kind of relief.

Recently I had one of my worst dreams to date. Chad and I were on a dark, twisting road high on a mountain. I was driving, and it was raining, of course. I was struggling to see the line on the road through the steady downpour. We came to a sharp curve to the right, and I couldn’t see it. I drove off of the cliff we had been teetering on the edge of. I had the sensation of falling, though we were still strapped in by our seatbelts. We held onto each other in sheer terror, and I kept saying it over and over again: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I was just waiting for the moment of impact, knowing there was nothing more I could do to save us or turn back time on my very, very wrong turn. And, all I could really think about in that terrifying, free-fall moment was how I had ruined everything, and I had taken Chad down with me.

Before you decide that I need to be psycho-analyzed, you should know that I also have quite a few dreams about aliens. So, yeah, probably need to go ahead and make that appointment.

The truth is that this terrible dream is actually a pretty good analogy for a wrecked marriage. We underestimate the weight of what we’re really doing on the day we walk down the aisle. I know when I put on a white dress at twenty-one, I wasn’t all that aware that I was actually taking my dreams, my insecurities, my issues, my fears, my entire future, and I was telling Chad and the whole world that I trust him with all of it.  And, the real miracle of the whole deal is that he was doing the same with me. We were willing to lay it all at each other’s feet and just pray to God that we were both trustworthy.

It’s a brave thing, getting married.

It doesn’t take long in marriage to figure out that we are leading each other into all kinds of things, good and bad. We take on some of the same habits. We introduce each other to our tastes, and sometimes, because we are two imperfect people with sinful tendencies, we lead each other into sin. I wonder if we realize on that day at the altar, just how much we are depending on each other for accountability, for encouragement to follow Christ, for a godly example being lived out in our home, day after day?

I wonder if we really understand how sacred the gift of that trust really is?

For Christian people, marriage should be a blessing in our lives that makes us more like Christ. It should be the difference between wandering off the side of a cliff and making it safely to the next rest stop. Seeking Christ is not a singular pursuit in marriage–it’s a joint effort. Yes, we have individual responsibility to study His word and try to know Him more. But, our marriages should make us more holy, not less. They should help us to run the race with perseverance, not distract us to the point of forgetting that we’re even running.

Dear young single Christian, consider this when you are choosing a husband or wife. Really step back and take stock: will this person help you become more like Christ through the years? Or when the steep, rocky, mountainous roads crop up, will they lead you right off of a cliff?

Married Christians, are you being the type of partner who is trustworthy to carry the burden of your spouse’s sinful tendencies? Are you committed to keeping both of you on the road to sanctification, or are you losing your way and taking your spouse with you? In a one-flesh existence, there is no such thing as “my problem” or “your problem.” We are called to share our burdens, and we both have the awesome responsibility of holding tight to each other while we hold tight to Christ.

And the glory of it all is that His grip on us never fails.

We have to start viewing our marriages as fertile ground for growth and holiness. Unless we start taking our own sin seriously, we will fail in our efforts to lead each other in the ways of Christ.

You have so much more influence on your spouse than you know. Where are you leading her? Who are you encouraging him to be? My prayer is that at the end of a long and fruitful life together, Chad and I will be able to approach the throne with all assurance that we helped each other know Christ more.

Inseparable

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In the fall, Chad and I started doing something we’ve never done before, in all of our almost eighteen years of marriage. We started praying together every day.

Thanks to his diligence, we haven’t missed a single day since we decided to try it after attending a marriage conference. I think it’s safe to say that this mission of praying together and for each other has revolutionized our marriage in more ways than one. We have never been more spiritually in tune with one another.

We have always had a solid marriage. Not every day has been absolute bliss, but every day has been meaningful. Even on the bad days, we have managed to go to bed at night knowing that we are committed to each other, that even in moments when the like isn’t quite there, the love always is.

We have always talked about spiritual things. We’ve talked about things we read. We’ve passed articles back and forth. We’ve debated endlessly about the best ways to do church, and we’ve spent time reading books together, listening to sermons together, and serving in the church together. All of those things have been good for us and have helped us grow as individuals and as a couple. The intellectual spark that flows between us has been a source of great interest and fun in our marriage because for the most part we enjoy talking about the same things and have similar interests.

But, none of those things has impacted our soul connection in marriage the way praying together has.

In the past three months, we have become more vulnerable to each other, spiritually. We’ve been more likely to get excited about what God is doing. More likely to notice where He is working. We have teared up together as we see Him working in our lives and in our kids’ lives. We have been more likely to pray over meetings before we leave the house, to pray about situations on the spot, to open up about where we feel God is leading us. We’ve been more likely to ask for prayer from one another. And, we have heard each other’s heart as we agree in prayer in sleepy voices at bedtime.

A few nights ago, Chad prayed for our marriage, as he often has during the past several months. He prayed that God would make us inseparable. I still get chills now even typing those words as I think about the power behind them. Chad prayed to the God of the Universe that He would keep any powers of this world or the wickedness in our own hearts from ever coming between us. He prayed that no one and nothing on this planet could separate the two of us. There is pure might behind words like that, prayed from a sincere heart to the Lord of Everything. When a husband and wife are clinging tightly to one another and even tighter to their God, crying out for oneness, for a impenetrable force field of His power to surround their bond, their marriage and family are sure to blessed by it.

What if we all made that the war cry of hearts, in a time when marriage seems to be valued less and less every day? In a time when people are considered disposable? In a time when every meme on social media is about what I can get for ME in a relationship, instead of what I can give to someone else? What if Christian couples everywhere decided that the way they are going to fight for their marriage is to ask God daily for the blessing of inseparability? I wonder how our families and churches would be revolutionized?

It’s such a simple concept, to pray that we’ll be inseparable. But, what strength can that one little word lend to a marriage in a dark and confusing world? Only God knows. But, I have my suspicions. Pray together. Pray that nothing in this world will come between you. And, watch God bless and bless and bless. I’m thankful for a husband who teaches me so many things, just by being a sincere follower of Christ and a true friend to his imperfect wife. May we never, ever be separated.

If You’re Looking for Romance, It’s Probably Right in Front of You

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A few days ago, we discussed romance on the podcast. A friend of ours posed the question, “Melissa, what is the most romantic thing Chad has done in the past year?” I sat there in silence, desperately trying to think of one huge romantic gesture that I could point to. I tried to remember if he had sent me flowers or had written me a song. I tried to recall some way that he had swept me off of my feet during the past year, and I couldn’t think of a single example. We moved on and finished the podcast, but for several hours afterward I was still troubled by the fact that I couldn’t think of any big thing Chad had done to romance me this year. Because I knew that I FEEL romanced. But, what exactly is it that makes me feel that way, even without a major romantic milestone to look back on?

And, then it hit me. What has romanced me this year isn’t flowers or nights out or even the beautiful diamond ring that Chad splurged on at Christmas (although I am never one to discourage or turn down diamonds). What has made me feel cared for this year is something that goes much deeper than gifts. Unfortunately, we women are so easily convinced that our husbands aren’t doing enough. We compare them to other men or to fictional characters, and we completely discount the ways that they make us feel on a daily basis. The truth is that while I was searching for some grand romantic gesture, I realized that one reason that I’m truly happy and feel loved and adored by my husband is that I decided years ago to try not to miss what’s right in front of me every day.

Like the way that he reaches over and grabs my hand when he’s driving. Or the way that he texts me What are you doonin? because that’s how Emerald used to say “doing.” The way that he saves the last of the whip cream for me. Or the way he picks up my favorite drink when he’s at the grocery store. The way he holds me close at night and makes me laugh even though I’m half asleep. The way he always asks if I’m getting sick when I clear my throat. The way he tells me that things aren’t as fun when I’m not there. Or the way he overlooks it when I snap at him for no reason.

Those are a few of the little things that actually end up being big things in the end.

And that doesn’t even include all of the other ways that he loves me, like working hard for our family, pointing me to Christ every day, adoring our kids, trying to keep his mind and heart pure, spurring me on to follow my dreams, helping me see my own gifts from God.

Oh, dear married friends, what if we quit letting movies and the internet convince us that we need a rose petal-filled bubble bath or a weekend in Europe or a candle-lit dinner in some fancy restaurant? We don’t need those things to be happy in marriage. We just need to be kind to each other. We need to be devoted to each other’s happiness. We need to do those little things that speak to our spouse, but even more importantly, we need to ACCEPT the little things as the most romantic offerings of all.

Someday when I’m sitting in a rocking chair looking back over our life together, it won’t be the big trips or the diamond rings that I remember most. It’ll be all the little things. The small gestures that he makes every day to communicate how much he loves me. If you’re searching for romance in your marriage, chances are you’re ignoring the most romantic things about your life. Stop and think about it, and appreciate all of the little ways that you are being romanced every day. I promise it’ll make marriage more fun and meaningful if you do. Be grateful for what you have and stop pining for a version of marriage that Hollywood dreamed up. Most of the people who wrote that stuff are divorced. Just saying.

Romance is real. And, it’s small. And, it’s glorious. Don’t miss it.

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