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Your Husband’s Porn Problem is Not About You

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She pulled me aside to confess her painful secret: she had accidentally discovered that her husband was looking at porn. She was hurt and confused, and her question dropped into the church hallway air between us like a deflated helium balloon: “Why?”

I could see it in her face. In her posture. In her balled fists and her furrowed brow. She was wondering why she wasn’t enough for her husband. She was trying to wrap her troubled mind around what this discovery means about her marriage, about her husband’s love for her, about her physical appearance and her sex life. She was trying to decide how to think about what she could only describe as a betrayal. And she was desperately searching for someone who could explain it all to her.

The black-hole-like pull of pornography is complicated and yet so simple. Men and women alike are drawn to it for various reasons and keep coming back to it because sin is like that—it always seems so glittering and alluring while it kills us little by little. Like all sin, it hurts. It hurts us and it hurts those closest to us. Marriages everywhere are struggling to stay afloat in the middle of the vast ocean of pornographic material that is so readily available. Women often want to know what they are doing wrong to cause their husbands to keep going back to the source of the shame and the failure.

I looked into her precious, worried face, and I told her one thing that I have learned about pornography through the years: Your husband’s pornography problem is not about you.

In fact, it has very little do to with you. It isn’t about how you dress or how you look naked. It isn’t about how you treat your husband or whether he feels loved by you. It isn’t about which sex positions you’re willing to try. And, even if your husband says it is about any of those things, it isn’t.

Your husband’s pornography problem is about one thing. It’s about how sin is always crouching at our door, waiting to devour us. Pornography is such a quick and easy temptation, and it’s everywhere. Your husband wouldn’t be normal if he didn’t struggle with the desire to look at pornography. He didn’t suddenly develop a taste for lustful thoughts and images when he married you. Chances are, he has struggled for most of his life with this issue, and despite what many think, even a happy marriage isn’t a cure for the desire to look at what can be so easily found on the internet.

You may be the sweetest, most doting wife in the world. You may be attentive in the bedroom. You may be in great shape. You may be none of those things. But, nothing you have said or done and nothing that you are or aren’t has driven your husband to look at pornography.

I’m not saying it doesn’t affect you. It does. Very much so. His private struggle is also yours. His failure in this area hurts you deeply. You can help him in many ways as he deals with this temptation, but ultimately it is his battle to fight, and his failures are not yours to own.

Wives, be prayerful. Be gracious. Be tender. Be tough when you must. But, don’t believe for one second that your husband’s pornography problem is about you. Pornography robs a marriage of lots of things: trust, intimacy, openness. Real choices lead to real consequences. But, don’t forget that this is ultimately a spiritual issue, just like your own struggles with sin. It isn’t about your husband’s level of satisfaction with you.

In most cases, pornography is a source of terrible shame for a Christian husband. You can be a great ally for him in this area. I know it’s difficult. I know it’s heartbreaking. But, the more you recognize that your husband’s feelings about you are not the source of the problem, the easier it will be for you to help him gain victory here.

He Loves Jesus More Than He Loves Me

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Chad is usually late coming home from work. A pastor, he gets caught up in his studying or his sermon-listening or his counseling. I suspect sometimes he gets caught up in watching cat videos on the internet. Because don’t we all.

I vividly remember one day when he was running late, and I was worn out and irritated and frustrated. I called him for the fifth time in an hour, and when he finally answered the phone I came at him. What are you doing?! I huffed. I honestly wondered how he could possibly NOT be thinking of me and my situation. Surely he realized that I was being wildly inconvenienced by his tardiness. Despite the fact that my question sliced through the phone like a self-righteous sword, Chad’s answer came back quietly and with an air of immense patience: I’m just sharing the gospel with someone.

Oh. Carry on, then.

Meekly, I hung up the phone and turned to my rowdy children with a new sense of purpose in this moment. The Holy Spirit was giving me an opportunity to see that I could be a part of the gospel sharing moment that was happening in Chad’s office. And the way I could do that is by allowing Chad to sacrifice some of the time that I wanted from him so that he could give it to someone else who, just like me, desperately needs Christ.

Tonight I write this to you while the second sweet man of the evening sits in our living room across from my husband. Discipleship is happening here tonight. Husbands and fathers are growing closer to Christ, and it blesses my soul to know that here, in our home, the man that I love is giving his life to those who trust him as their shepherd.

One thing that I’ve learned through this nineteen year journey of marriage is that what you really want to look for in a husband is not someone who will cater to your every whim. It isn’t someone who is so afraid of you that he would rather disobey God than incur your wrath.  Search for the man who is always looking for ways to serve Christ and the church. Hold out for a man who is more in tune with the Holy Spirit of God than he is in tune with your moods. He is the one, my sisters, who will live a life that challenges you and helps you to see the world through spiritual eyes.  He is the one who will love you truly and deeply. Who will lay himself down for you and your children. He is the one who will care for you mind, body, and soul. The man who is in love with Jesus loves like Jesus, with grace and patience and gentleness and mercy. He will cradle you as a gift from God, and he will take seriously his responsibility to see you grow in Christ. His love for you is spiritual. It is God-given and truly blessed in every sense. Marry the one who loves Jesus more than he loves you. And then watch how the Lord will change you just because you get the privilege of watching the man you love adore his Savior.

It’s possible he won’t answer his phone when you call. It’s possible that when you finally reach him with your huffiness and your entitled attitude he will softly explain that he is serving the Lord. It’s possible that you will find yourself humbled, your spiritual eyesight adjusted back to 20/20, and once again you will thank our gracious God for a man who loves Jesus even more than he loves you.

5 Ways to Keep Romance Alive in Your Marriage (+a date night giveaway!)

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Update: valancyroses is our winner! Congratulations! Enjoy your date night!

Chad and I have been married for almost 19 years. In that time we have had some beautifully romantic moments that stand out in my mind. But, the truth is that in the long haul, marriage isn’t a continual series of memorable romantic gestures. Real romance isn’t just flowers or jewelry or poems or exotic vacations, even though those things can be nice. To be honest, I have seen some of the greatest examples of real romance at the many funerals that Chad and I have been a part of through our years of ministry. Watching a grieving husband or wife remember the life they shared with their spouse, all of the memories, all of the sacrifices made, all of the struggles they faced together–it will forever ban from your mind the notion that romance is all about date nights. Real romance is a lifetime of dedication and devotion, years of putting the needs of another person ahead of your own, decades of serving one another in humility and love.

So, it’s from that perspective that I present five ways that I believe you can help to keep true romance alive in your marriage.

1.  Make Christ supreme.
So many marriage issues could be solved if we simply knew Jesus more. If we sought Him more and made Him the ultimate priority of our lives. As Dave Harvey says in his excellent book When Sinners Say I Do, “What we believe about God determines the quality of our marriage.” If we want our marriage to become all that we hoped it would be–a lifetime of commitment and self-sacrifice and true, soul-deep love for one another, it has to begin with our own relationship with Christ. There is nothing more romantic than seeking and serving Jesus together because that is real and it’s messy and it ends with two people who see each other’s faults and flaws but choose to love strong anyway. That kind of love is born of Christ and it is Christ-like, and it is the stuff that true romance is made of. It will only happen if we know Him and we are actively working to know Him more

2. Keep a long-term perspective.
Don’t fall into the trap of obsessing over things that ultimately don’t matter. That $50 on the credit card, those dirty clothes on the floor, that irritated response, that thoughtless comment–consider whether any of that will matter at all when you are old and gray and looking back on a long life together. Consider whether that bowl left out on the counter will still be annoying you when you are standing next to his casket one day, after a lifetime of commitment and laughter and tears come flooding over you as you look at his face one last time. We spend so much time thinking about things that have no real significance that we often let them overshadow all of the blessings of our marriage. We let small annoyances turn into huge roadblocks in our relationship. If we dismiss the small stuff instead, we will create an atmosphere of love and acceptance and grace that will allow real romance to flourish.

3. Talk to each other.
I don’t think it’s possible to over-emphasize the importance of communication if you want to keep romance alive in your marriage. You can’t know someone if they don’t share their thoughts, memories, dreams, ideas, fears, joys and sorrows with you. Your spouse should be your closest friend. Couples who don’t talk don’t feel bonded. They don’t feel like a team. They are likely to be living two isolated lives, and there is nothing more sad than married people who have all the potential in the world to feel loved and happy, but who just feel sad and lonely. If you and your spouse are struggling through life keeping all of your burdens and worries and dreams of the future to yourselves, then romance is surely dead in your marriage. Only when we communicate with each other on an intimate level can true romance thrive. A bouquet of flowers means absolutely nothing if the lines of communication are down. The good news is that it’s easy to fix this problem: start talking. Start asking questions.

4.  After Christ, give each other top priority.
Your relationship with your spouse is one of the easiest to neglect. You are more likely to let your spouse down before you will let others in your life down because, well, they’re your spouse and they will understand. But, even if your spouse doesn’t blow up or seem upset with you, a continual pattern of giving him or her low priority in your life will make it impossible to keep the romance alive. It’s easy to let the children or a job replace your spouse on your list of importance. But, you must remember–one day you will retire. One day the children will grow up and leave. You have to constantly nurture your marriage by letting your spouse know that they are your number one concern, after your relationship with Christ.  There is nothing less romantic than being made to feel unimportant and forgotten.

5. Have fun together.
Don’t forget how to laugh. Don’t get so serious and wrapped up in the struggles and the problems that you don’t remember how to have fun together anymore. Keep the inside jokes going. Be okay with laughing at yourself. Life is hilarious. Don’t get hung up on the idea of date nights as the only way to have fun together. Yes, they’re fun, but so is hanging out in your living room after the kids are in bed. In one evening you can communicate, give each other priority, and have a great time just sitting in front of the TV, eating ice cream and talking about whatever comes to mind. Don’t ever underestimate the power of time spent together, whether you’re having a fancy dinner or eating corndogs while you sit on the kitchen counter. Having fun with your spouse isn’t complicated: laugh and be pleasant and remember why you fell in love in the first place.

I’m excited to do a little giveaway to help you make your spouse a priority in the coming weeks! I am giving away a $20 Fandango giftcard to one lucky reader so that you can go enjoy a movie with your spouse! All you have to do to enter is to leave a comment telling me one thing you appreciate about your husband or wife. So easy!

Chad and I decided years ago that we wouldn’t go to any more R rated movies or any PG-13 movies that we haven’t check out on a family movie review site. It’s so difficult to find movies that are rated PG, so we rarely go to the movies. But, there’s a movie coming out next weekend I wanted to make you aware of–it’s a romance that’s rated PG!

It’s called Forever My Girl. Here’s a brief synopsis of the movie:

Forever My Girl tells the story of music super-star Liam Page (Alex Roe) who left his bride, Josie (Jessica Rothe), at the altar choosing fame and fortune instead. However, Liam never got over Josie, his one true love, nor did he ever forget his Southern roots in the small community where he was born and raised. When he unexpectedly returns to his hometown for the funeral of his high school best friend, Liam is suddenly faced with the consequences of all that he left behind.  Forever My Girl is an uplifting romantic film about second chances.

The movie releases on January 19th. It’s so refreshing to see some film companies making movies for those of us who want to avoid nudity and bad language. I haven’t seen the movie, so I can’t necessarily recommend it yet, but it’s definitely worth looking into if you are looking for a fun night out with your spouse.

I hope some of the tips I mentioned here today are helpful. Remember that romance isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about all of the small ways to love each other.

 

I received compensation for mentioning Forever My Girl in this blog post. All of the marriage tips are 100% from my heart. The giveaway is sponsored by Chad and me, just because we want to do something fun for my amazing readers! I’ll announce a winner on Friday, January 19th!

Sex Should be Spiritual

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God designed sex within marriage to be a sacred, pleasurable, and spiritual act. We don’t often stop and think about how amazing it really is that God invented sex and gave it such potential to build a physical and spiritual union between two people in the safety and devotion of a Christian marriage. Sex is an amazing gift, a chance to be bonded in body, mind and spirit. One flesh. Yet everywhere I turn Christian people seem to be struggling with sex.

It seems that we have taken what should be a true blessing in our marriages and have turned it into a chore. Women are constantly joking about trying to get out of having sex with their husbands. Husbands are constantly joking about how they don’t get enough sex. And, somewhere in the middle of all of the casual talk about it, are two people, naked and vulnerable in the quiet of their own bedroom, struggling to figure out how to connect spiritually while they make love.

We live in a world that is unbelievably sexual. Every commercial, television show, book, and magazine is putting sexual images and ideas into our minds every day. Porn culture has warped our idea of what sex is. It isn’t a union of two bodies and souls, but a chance to get what we want. Slowly the notion has crept into our minds that we need satisfaction by whatever means necessary, even in Christian marriage. So, we come to the sacred place where we should be experiencing a spiritual union with our spouse, and we bring along years’ worth of images and fantasies that have nothing to do with them. And, instead of being completely present in this beautiful moment, instead of wholly giving ourselves to our spouse, we retreat and call up these images, and the spiritual union is weakened at best, and completely severed at worst.

No wonder Christian marriages are having sex problems.

Pornography is a huge part of the problem. But, maybe you don’t watch porn. You have seen plenty of movies, read plenty of books, created plenty of fantasies in your mind that don’t involve your spouse. The truth is that unless we are diligent about it, we will all allow our minds to wander to scenes that we have viewed or imagined, even when we are in the middle of trying to make love to our spouse. We may not even realize what we’re doing, inviting other people into this holy moment. Letting outside ideas and images crowd in on the beautiful act of giving ourselves to one another. How can we expect to achieve a soul-to-soul union with our husband or wife when we are escaping to some love scene or pornographic image? Before long we forget how to really be present in this divine moment, this spiritual experience of loving the person right in front of us, in the ways that only we can. We have to keep ourselves anchored to each other during sex, and the only way to do that is to banish outside images from our minds. Not only that, but we have to be careful to keep from bringing brand new images into our minds, by guarding what we see and hear and read.

I know many of you are thinking that this is not a big deal, or that it is impossible to have sex without calling up images and ideas that have aroused you in the past. But, if it were an impossibility, why would Paul advise us to take every thought captive to obey Christ? (2 Corinthians 10:5) If it is no big deal, then why did he tell us to think about what is noble, right, pure, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy? (Philippians 4:8) Why would Jesus tell us that anyone who looks at a woman (or man) to lust after her (or him) has already committed adultery in their heart? (Matthew 5:28)

The truth is that when we allow images of other people into our minds when we are having sex with our spouse, we are sinning, and our sex life will never achieve the spiritual depth and emotional closeness that God designed it for. There is a better way to have sex in Christian marriage. And, it isn’t just okay sex. It is life-giving, soul-stirring, and it connects you to your spouse in ways you didn’t even realize were possible. Kick everyone else out of your head. This moment is for the two of you alone, body to body, soul to soul. Anything else will lead to a lifetime of sexual emptiness, physical connection with no spiritual bond. And, despite what this world tells you, that will never be truly satisfying.

I Just Can’t Stop

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I have spilled a lot of ink through the years trying to find all the right words to describe what it’s like to know true love. In the past six years I’ve written roughly 40 blog posts devoted to Chad and our marriage and our great love for each other. Sometimes I wonder if there’s anything left to say, but still I keep going. The words and ideas come out of the genuine wonder that I still feel after all of this time.

Today is our eighteenth wedding anniversary.  I woke up thinking about our first night together in that little bed and breakfast in Granbury, Texas. I remember that I hardly slept all night–I wasn’t used to having this other person in my bed. We both woke up throughout the night, surprised I think, to remember that we were now responsible for each other.

I was embarrassed to even flush the toilet that first night.

But, this morning, we woke up in our familiar way, eighteen years into this thing.  We have plowed through, tripped over, and prayed that God would tear down various barriers between us through the years. And, this morning, after we had only recently seen another fall, I thanked God that He keeps proving to us that it is possible to continue growing closer and closer to each other, even though we’ve been sharing every day of life for almost two decades.

This marriage is a miracle.

Our love isn’t perfect. We make plenty of mistakes and we get selfish and we get unreasonable. We say untrue things and think untrue things, and we are scared to bring up what needs to be said. We get irritated and rude. We roll our eyes.

But, of all the things that Jesus made in this world, of all the pleasures and kindnesses that He was gracious enough to provide, I don’t know if there are enough words to say thank you for this love of mine. For this marriage that has taught me so much about His goodness. For this man who has led me to the cross over and over again. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile, you’re probably tired of hearing it. But, I just can’t stop being grateful.

I hope I never do.

Happy 18th wedding anniversary, Chad.

If You’re Looking for Romance, It’s Probably Right in Front of You

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A few days ago, we discussed romance on the podcast. A friend of ours posed the question, “Melissa, what is the most romantic thing Chad has done in the past year?” I sat there in silence, desperately trying to think of one huge romantic gesture that I could point to. I tried to remember if he had sent me flowers or had written me a song. I tried to recall some way that he had swept me off of my feet during the past year, and I couldn’t think of a single example. We moved on and finished the podcast, but for several hours afterward I was still troubled by the fact that I couldn’t think of any big thing Chad had done to romance me this year. Because I knew that I FEEL romanced. But, what exactly is it that makes me feel that way, even without a major romantic milestone to look back on?

And, then it hit me. What has romanced me this year isn’t flowers or nights out or even the beautiful diamond ring that Chad splurged on at Christmas (although I am never one to discourage or turn down diamonds). What has made me feel cared for this year is something that goes much deeper than gifts. Unfortunately, we women are so easily convinced that our husbands aren’t doing enough. We compare them to other men or to fictional characters, and we completely discount the ways that they make us feel on a daily basis. The truth is that while I was searching for some grand romantic gesture, I realized that one reason that I’m truly happy and feel loved and adored by my husband is that I decided years ago to try not to miss what’s right in front of me every day.

Like the way that he reaches over and grabs my hand when he’s driving. Or the way that he texts me What are you doonin? because that’s how Emerald used to say “doing.” The way that he saves the last of the whip cream for me. Or the way he picks up my favorite drink when he’s at the grocery store. The way he holds me close at night and makes me laugh even though I’m half asleep. The way he always asks if I’m getting sick when I clear my throat. The way he tells me that things aren’t as fun when I’m not there. Or the way he overlooks it when I snap at him for no reason.

Those are a few of the little things that actually end up being big things in the end.

And that doesn’t even include all of the other ways that he loves me, like working hard for our family, pointing me to Christ every day, adoring our kids, trying to keep his mind and heart pure, spurring me on to follow my dreams, helping me see my own gifts from God.

Oh, dear married friends, what if we quit letting movies and the internet convince us that we need a rose petal-filled bubble bath or a weekend in Europe or a candle-lit dinner in some fancy restaurant? We don’t need those things to be happy in marriage. We just need to be kind to each other. We need to be devoted to each other’s happiness. We need to do those little things that speak to our spouse, but even more importantly, we need to ACCEPT the little things as the most romantic offerings of all.

Someday when I’m sitting in a rocking chair looking back over our life together, it won’t be the big trips or the diamond rings that I remember most. It’ll be all the little things. The small gestures that he makes every day to communicate how much he loves me. If you’re searching for romance in your marriage, chances are you’re ignoring the most romantic things about your life. Stop and think about it, and appreciate all of the little ways that you are being romanced every day. I promise it’ll make marriage more fun and meaningful if you do. Be grateful for what you have and stop pining for a version of marriage that Hollywood dreamed up. Most of the people who wrote that stuff are divorced. Just saying.

Romance is real. And, it’s small. And, it’s glorious. Don’t miss it.

The Challenge in Praying with Your Spouse

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Chad and I have never been great at praying together. I mean, we have done it here and there, mostly when we’re in the middle of a bad situation or we are facing a big decision. But, as far as day-to-day praying together, it’s a real challenge.

I’m not sure why it seems to be so hard for husbands and wives to pray together. Most Christian couples I know pray FOR each other, just not WITH each other. Praying for each other is wonderful, but we’ve learned lately that there’s something special and important about praying together.

At the marriage retreat we recently attended, the final exercise of the day was for all of the husbands and wives to pray for each other. Chad and I got close and whispered prayers into each other’s ears, and it was one of the most moving things we’d done as a couple in years. Since then, we accepted a thirty day challenge to pray for each other, with each other every day. And, I’ve realized what we’ve been missing out on for all of these years.

Praying together has made us more tender. It’s hard to be annoyed or upset with someone who is praying for you. It’s hard to hold grudges or unforgiveness in your heart when you are praying for someone.  Praying together has made me want to live up to the desires that we express with each other before God: Help us to love each other well. When we pray in these ways, the Holy Spirit really does show us where we can improve, where we can lose the attitude, and as a result, we find that we are going out of our way to help each other. We’re taking the time to say thank you. We’re stopping to recognize what a blessing our marriage is.

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Praying together has encouraged us. I know that Chad has prayed for me on his own through the years, and I love that about him. But, there’s something so encouraging about hearing him with my own ears as he makes me and our marriage a priority before the throne of God. Few things in our marriage have made me feel more loved. It’s a beautiful thing to hear the man you love pray for your specific needs and wants. On my own I often pray, thanking God for Chad and what he means to my life. But, rarely has he ever heard me do so. I’ve been surprised by how meaningful those moments have seemed and how they really do affect the way we feel about each other and behave toward each other during the day.

Praying together has been easier than I imagined. We pray before we go to sleep, for less than five minutes. Only one of us prays each night, and it’s not a big production or discussion. I suppose I always felt like it had to be a huge prayer session where we address every little thing that we need to be praying for in our lives. But, no. We pray for each other only. It’s quick and painless and so simple. I honestly can’t believe it’s taken us seventeen years to figure this out.

Praying together is like repeating your wedding vows daily. We lie in our bed instead of standing at an altar. We aren’t wearing fancy clothes and we don’t have an audience. But, when we pray for each other, we bless each other with daily reminders of the vows we made almost two decades ago. Our prayers reaffirm what we said we would do–be in each other’s corner no matter what. Stick close when times are rough and when they’re amazing. Sacrifice ourselves for each other’s fulfillment and sanctification. Help each other. Love each other. Seek God together.

So, I would like to extend the thirty day challenge to you. Pray for your spouse, with your spouse for thirty days and just see if it doesn’t make you more tender toward each other and more positive about your marriage and your life together. Praying with Chad has made me want to be a better wife. It has made me more conscious about the importance of glorifying God with a strong marriage that is less focused on what I want or need and more focused on how I can better love and serve and cherish my husband. That kind of marriage will make you and your children feel secure in the family that God blessed you with.

Appreciate Your Spouse

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Chad is on his way home from Ecuador. For me, it’s been a long, long week.

It’s funny what you don’t appreciate about your husband when he’s right in front of you.

Like the fact that he’s a talker. He wakes up talking, and he goes to bed talking, and there really is no time in the day when his head isn’t filled with ideas, plans, dreams, and questions.

Or the fact that he’s a protector. When he’s home, I rest. I fall asleep knowing that if anything happens in the middle of the night he will jump up and try to stand between me and disaster.

The truth is that there are a million different things about Chad that I fail to appreciate on a daily basis. I get in terrible ruts where I focus only on what he isn’t doing that I wish he would do. Or I wish that he would say no to a few things. Or that he would quit answering his phone. Or that he would write me daily love letters.

But, the things that I miss the most when he is gone are just the regular things. His shoes on our bedroom floor. His body heat at night. The sound of the door closing when he comes home for lunch. The way he can make me laugh until I cry. The thousands of memories we have collected. The inside jokes.

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My dear friend lost her husband today. They have been married for over sixty years. Today she begins the task of learning to live a new life, one that she has never before encountered. She will miss so many things. She tells a hilarious story of the day when they were fairly newly married, and she went to grab a gun and shot it in his direction just to get his attention. It’s hard for anyone who knows her sweet spirit now to imagine her doing such a thing. Together they grew up, they grew in God’s love and grace, they learned who He is. And, sixty years later, she begins a new chapter without her lifetime love. She will be okay. She isn’t alone. She has a Savior who will carry her and friends and family who adore her.

But, she will miss him. She will long to hear the door open as he comes in from coffee with his buddies. She will wish that his shoes were in the floor of her bedroom. An artist, she will think about calling him in to look at her latest painting, and then she will remember that he is with Jesus.

Today Chad comes home, and a crazy week looms ahead. There will be no time to escape together and sit and talk for hours. But, as we lie close tonight in our bed, we will talk quietly about how this week went, and he will tell me some incredible stories. I’ll fill him in on how the dance classes and social studies tests and piano lessons went. I hope tomorrow when we wake up I will still be thinking of all the things that I remembered to appreciate about him while he was gone.

And, tomorrow when my sweet friend wakes up and remembers that her husband now resides in Heaven, I pray that she will be able to take all of the things that she misses about him and hand them over to God as a praise offering for the incredible lifetime of love that they shared. I know she will. She praises Him with every breath.

Love your spouse. Stop to recognize how amazing it is that every day the door opens and he walks through it. We don’t all get a lifetime with our spouse. But, we do get some time. Fill the time with love and admiration and respect and appreciation. Fill the time with awe over the blessing of a lifetime love. Fill the time with devotion to Christ, which leads to devotion to your spouse. Fill the time with peace and not silly arguments. Just ask my precious friend–sixty years later, she’ll tell you that the time flies by. Don’t waste it.

Practical Tips: Learning How to Be His Wife, Not His Mother

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Last week I wrote a post called “His Wife, Not His Mother,” and I heard from many of you about your personal experiences with this scenario. I got an email from a frustrated wife, asking me HOW to stop treating her husband as if he’s a child. As I told her, I don’t know if there’s a one size fits all answer to that question, but I did think of a few ideas that may help her, and I decided to share some of them with you, in case you were also hoping I would get to the how-to at the end of that post.

Give him a little respect.
One of the most important things that a man needs to feel from his wife is respect. I know this sounds very old fashioned, but pick up any marriage book where the writer has surveyed men, and I guarantee that this is the top need that a man has almost every single time. He needs to feel that she respects him as a person, and that she admires him.

Sometimes it’s difficult to express respect toward your husband when you don’t feel that he’s acting very respectably. A few years ago I heard a helpful illustration on this point. There are certain positions that you give honor and respect to, even if the particular person in the position isn’t living up to his potential as a leader. The presidency, for instance. School teachers. Your parents. You offer respect because you have respect for their position, not necessarily for them personally. So, keeping that idea in mind can make it easier to express respect for your husband even before he has earned it. He is your husband and the father of your children, and, according to the Bible, he is the leader of your family. So, even if he isn’t leading particularly well in some areas, you can still show him respect and honor, even if the way you do it is to simply say the words “I respect you,” or “I admire you,” while showing him by not over-criticizing. It’s amazing how something as simple as that can change a man’s attitude.

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Create an image of him that he can live up to.
Most people respond better to positive reinforcement than they do to criticism or negativity. For instance, a newlywed couple is just learning how to keep a house. The wife is a terrible cook, as she is just learning. But, her husband goes all over town telling everyone what an amazing cook she is and how he loves it when she cooks for him. This encourages her to keep going, keep working at it, and over time she becomes the amazing cook that he said long beforehand that she was. Alternatively, a young couple gets married, and the husband tells everyone how bad her cooking is and how he would rather have his mother’s or he would rather go get fast food. The criticism discourages her so much that she quits cooking and just spends her time watching Netflix instead. She, too, lived up to what her husband told her and others that she was. I think we all underestimate the power of our words.

Find ways to praise your husband and build him up. Say things that you know COULD be true, even if they aren’t now. Not something outrageous, like, “You’re the best trash taker-outer ever,” if it’s been well-established that he’s terrible at doing that. But, find something else, like telling him what a great dad he is and how much the kids love spending time with him, what a difference he makes in their lives. Then give up on the trash and decide that will be your job or if your kids are old enough, assign the job to them. Then you won’t constantly be disappointed and frustrated and angry that he didn’t take out the trash.

Look for his strengths.
Sometimes it takes many years and lots of work to discover your husband’s real strengths. As women we all have our pet things that we think our husbands should do or should not do. But, many times if we step back and look at other things that he’s doing, we will realize that he is expressing love and respectability in all kinds of ways, just maybe not the ways that we WANT him to.

For instance, I love words of all kinds. As my husband has grown older, he’s gotten less likely to write me a sweet note than he was at 20 years old. As he aged, he started feeling sort of foolish writing love letters. (And, in his defense, he still gives me some of the best love notes ever on occasion.) So, I spent several years being hurt by that. Then one day I realized that he regularly washes my car for me. He mows our yard. He pulls the kids teeth because I hate it so much. He holds me close at night. And, it dawned on me that there were small acts of love all around me that I was missing because he wasn’t doing the one or two things that I thought he should be doing.

So, take a close look at your life and look for those small things that matter more than you are probably acknowledging. I’m saying this to you as someone who spent years blind to all of those little things. Once I opened my eyes, I loved and respected my husband more than ever, and I saw so many ways that he sacrifices that I had never noticed before because I was hung up on one or two issues.

Sit down and talk with him, not at him.
As far as communicating with your husband on a “manly” level, I would suggest being perfectly honest about your dilemma. Tell him that you are worried that he feels you treat him like a child, and that’s the very last way you want him to feel because you respect and honor him as the love of your life. Ask him if he feels that way, and ask him how you could communicate things that you would like for him to help you with without making him feel like you’re nagging or talking down to him. Tell him that you don’t want to act like you’re his mother, but you need help figuring out how to communicate in a way that shows him respect. Just ask him how he feels about it, and ask for specific wording that you can use that won’t make him feel like you’re mothering him. You might be surprised when you hear what he’s thinking.Say good things about him.
And, the all-important rule that will make all of the difference in the world: don’t talk badly about him to others. (I’m not talking about counseling/mentoring conversations.) You are his wife, his biggest cheerleader, his main supporter. The more he hears you heaping praise on him to his face and to others, the more he will want to live up to your expectations of godly manhood. And, don’t let little things like underwear on the floor make you forget about all of the ways that God has blessed you in your marriage.

I hope these ideas will help some of you in your quest to treat your husband like a man instead of a boy. The majority of men want to please their wives. Chances are your husband wants to have a happy, healthy life with you. I know it can be frustrating to be married. It can be frustrating to feel like you’re the only one taking this thing seriously. But, with hard work, prayer, and plenty of communication (and probably some marriage counseling for many of us), chances are good that you can enjoy a long and truly happy marriage.

Praying for you all as you go forward. Don’t get discouraged just because love doesn’t come easy. There’s probably no other area of your life where you are more often called to love like Christ–sacrificially, completely. And, as human beings, that’s tough to live out. But, God can do anything, even in imperfect, childish husbands and imperfect, scolding wives. We are all just sinners who need a Savior.

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