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I Just Can’t Stop

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I have spilled a lot of ink through the years trying to find all the right words to describe what it’s like to know true love. In the past six years I’ve written roughly 40 blog posts devoted to Chad and our marriage and our great love for each other. Sometimes I wonder if there’s anything left to say, but still I keep going. The words and ideas come out of the genuine wonder that I still feel after all of this time.

Today is our eighteenth wedding anniversary.  I woke up thinking about our first night together in that little bed and breakfast in Granbury, Texas. I remember that I hardly slept all night–I wasn’t used to having this other person in my bed. We both woke up throughout the night, surprised I think, to remember that we were now responsible for each other.

I was embarrassed to even flush the toilet that first night.

But, this morning, we woke up in our familiar way, eighteen years into this thing.  We have plowed through, tripped over, and prayed that God would tear down various barriers between us through the years. And, this morning, after we had only recently seen another fall, I thanked God that He keeps proving to us that it is possible to continue growing closer and closer to each other, even though we’ve been sharing every day of life for almost two decades.

This marriage is a miracle.

Our love isn’t perfect. We make plenty of mistakes and we get selfish and we get unreasonable. We say untrue things and think untrue things, and we are scared to bring up what needs to be said. We get irritated and rude. We roll our eyes.

But, of all the things that Jesus made in this world, of all the pleasures and kindnesses that He was gracious enough to provide, I don’t know if there are enough words to say thank you for this love of mine. For this marriage that has taught me so much about His goodness. For this man who has led me to the cross over and over again. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile, you’re probably tired of hearing it. But, I just can’t stop being grateful.

I hope I never do.

Happy 18th wedding anniversary, Chad.

If You’re Looking for Romance, It’s Probably Right in Front of You

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A few days ago, we discussed romance on the podcast. A friend of ours posed the question, “Melissa, what is the most romantic thing Chad has done in the past year?” I sat there in silence, desperately trying to think of one huge romantic gesture that I could point to. I tried to remember if he had sent me flowers or had written me a song. I tried to recall some way that he had swept me off of my feet during the past year, and I couldn’t think of a single example. We moved on and finished the podcast, but for several hours afterward I was still troubled by the fact that I couldn’t think of any big thing Chad had done to romance me this year. Because I knew that I FEEL romanced. But, what exactly is it that makes me feel that way, even without a major romantic milestone to look back on?

And, then it hit me. What has romanced me this year isn’t flowers or nights out or even the beautiful diamond ring that Chad splurged on at Christmas (although I am never one to discourage or turn down diamonds). What has made me feel cared for this year is something that goes much deeper than gifts. Unfortunately, we women are so easily convinced that our husbands aren’t doing enough. We compare them to other men or to fictional characters, and we completely discount the ways that they make us feel on a daily basis. The truth is that while I was searching for some grand romantic gesture, I realized that one reason that I’m truly happy and feel loved and adored by my husband is that I decided years ago to try not to miss what’s right in front of me every day.

Like the way that he reaches over and grabs my hand when he’s driving. Or the way that he texts me What are you doonin? because that’s how Emerald used to say “doing.” The way that he saves the last of the whip cream for me. Or the way he picks up my favorite drink when he’s at the grocery store. The way he holds me close at night and makes me laugh even though I’m half asleep. The way he always asks if I’m getting sick when I clear my throat. The way he tells me that things aren’t as fun when I’m not there. Or the way he overlooks it when I snap at him for no reason.

Those are a few of the little things that actually end up being big things in the end.

And that doesn’t even include all of the other ways that he loves me, like working hard for our family, pointing me to Christ every day, adoring our kids, trying to keep his mind and heart pure, spurring me on to follow my dreams, helping me see my own gifts from God.

Oh, dear married friends, what if we quit letting movies and the internet convince us that we need a rose petal-filled bubble bath or a weekend in Europe or a candle-lit dinner in some fancy restaurant? We don’t need those things to be happy in marriage. We just need to be kind to each other. We need to be devoted to each other’s happiness. We need to do those little things that speak to our spouse, but even more importantly, we need to ACCEPT the little things as the most romantic offerings of all.

Someday when I’m sitting in a rocking chair looking back over our life together, it won’t be the big trips or the diamond rings that I remember most. It’ll be all the little things. The small gestures that he makes every day to communicate how much he loves me. If you’re searching for romance in your marriage, chances are you’re ignoring the most romantic things about your life. Stop and think about it, and appreciate all of the little ways that you are being romanced every day. I promise it’ll make marriage more fun and meaningful if you do. Be grateful for what you have and stop pining for a version of marriage that Hollywood dreamed up. Most of the people who wrote that stuff are divorced. Just saying.

Romance is real. And, it’s small. And, it’s glorious. Don’t miss it.

The Challenge in Praying with Your Spouse

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Chad and I have never been great at praying together. I mean, we have done it here and there, mostly when we’re in the middle of a bad situation or we are facing a big decision. But, as far as day-to-day praying together, it’s a real challenge.

I’m not sure why it seems to be so hard for husbands and wives to pray together. Most Christian couples I know pray FOR each other, just not WITH each other. Praying for each other is wonderful, but we’ve learned lately that there’s something special and important about praying together.

At the marriage retreat we recently attended, the final exercise of the day was for all of the husbands and wives to pray for each other. Chad and I got close and whispered prayers into each other’s ears, and it was one of the most moving things we’d done as a couple in years. Since then, we accepted a thirty day challenge to pray for each other, with each other every day. And, I’ve realized what we’ve been missing out on for all of these years.

Praying together has made us more tender. It’s hard to be annoyed or upset with someone who is praying for you. It’s hard to hold grudges or unforgiveness in your heart when you are praying for someone.  Praying together has made me want to live up to the desires that we express with each other before God: Help us to love each other well. When we pray in these ways, the Holy Spirit really does show us where we can improve, where we can lose the attitude, and as a result, we find that we are going out of our way to help each other. We’re taking the time to say thank you. We’re stopping to recognize what a blessing our marriage is.

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Praying together has encouraged us. I know that Chad has prayed for me on his own through the years, and I love that about him. But, there’s something so encouraging about hearing him with my own ears as he makes me and our marriage a priority before the throne of God. Few things in our marriage have made me feel more loved. It’s a beautiful thing to hear the man you love pray for your specific needs and wants. On my own I often pray, thanking God for Chad and what he means to my life. But, rarely has he ever heard me do so. I’ve been surprised by how meaningful those moments have seemed and how they really do affect the way we feel about each other and behave toward each other during the day.

Praying together has been easier than I imagined. We pray before we go to sleep, for less than five minutes. Only one of us prays each night, and it’s not a big production or discussion. I suppose I always felt like it had to be a huge prayer session where we address every little thing that we need to be praying for in our lives. But, no. We pray for each other only. It’s quick and painless and so simple. I honestly can’t believe it’s taken us seventeen years to figure this out.

Praying together is like repeating your wedding vows daily. We lie in our bed instead of standing at an altar. We aren’t wearing fancy clothes and we don’t have an audience. But, when we pray for each other, we bless each other with daily reminders of the vows we made almost two decades ago. Our prayers reaffirm what we said we would do–be in each other’s corner no matter what. Stick close when times are rough and when they’re amazing. Sacrifice ourselves for each other’s fulfillment and sanctification. Help each other. Love each other. Seek God together.

So, I would like to extend the thirty day challenge to you. Pray for your spouse, with your spouse for thirty days and just see if it doesn’t make you more tender toward each other and more positive about your marriage and your life together. Praying with Chad has made me want to be a better wife. It has made me more conscious about the importance of glorifying God with a strong marriage that is less focused on what I want or need and more focused on how I can better love and serve and cherish my husband. That kind of marriage will make you and your children feel secure in the family that God blessed you with.

Appreciate Your Spouse

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Chad is on his way home from Ecuador. For me, it’s been a long, long week.

It’s funny what you don’t appreciate about your husband when he’s right in front of you.

Like the fact that he’s a talker. He wakes up talking, and he goes to bed talking, and there really is no time in the day when his head isn’t filled with ideas, plans, dreams, and questions.

Or the fact that he’s a protector. When he’s home, I rest. I fall asleep knowing that if anything happens in the middle of the night he will jump up and try to stand between me and disaster.

The truth is that there are a million different things about Chad that I fail to appreciate on a daily basis. I get in terrible ruts where I focus only on what he isn’t doing that I wish he would do. Or I wish that he would say no to a few things. Or that he would quit answering his phone. Or that he would write me daily love letters.

But, the things that I miss the most when he is gone are just the regular things. His shoes on our bedroom floor. His body heat at night. The sound of the door closing when he comes home for lunch. The way he can make me laugh until I cry. The thousands of memories we have collected. The inside jokes.

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My dear friend lost her husband today. They have been married for over sixty years. Today she begins the task of learning to live a new life, one that she has never before encountered. She will miss so many things. She tells a hilarious story of the day when they were fairly newly married, and she went to grab a gun and shot it in his direction just to get his attention. It’s hard for anyone who knows her sweet spirit now to imagine her doing such a thing. Together they grew up, they grew in God’s love and grace, they learned who He is. And, sixty years later, she begins a new chapter without her lifetime love. She will be okay. She isn’t alone. She has a Savior who will carry her and friends and family who adore her.

But, she will miss him. She will long to hear the door open as he comes in from coffee with his buddies. She will wish that his shoes were in the floor of her bedroom. An artist, she will think about calling him in to look at her latest painting, and then she will remember that he is with Jesus.

Today Chad comes home, and a crazy week looms ahead. There will be no time to escape together and sit and talk for hours. But, as we lie close tonight in our bed, we will talk quietly about how this week went, and he will tell me some incredible stories. I’ll fill him in on how the dance classes and social studies tests and piano lessons went. I hope tomorrow when we wake up I will still be thinking of all the things that I remembered to appreciate about him while he was gone.

And, tomorrow when my sweet friend wakes up and remembers that her husband now resides in Heaven, I pray that she will be able to take all of the things that she misses about him and hand them over to God as a praise offering for the incredible lifetime of love that they shared. I know she will. She praises Him with every breath.

Love your spouse. Stop to recognize how amazing it is that every day the door opens and he walks through it. We don’t all get a lifetime with our spouse. But, we do get some time. Fill the time with love and admiration and respect and appreciation. Fill the time with awe over the blessing of a lifetime love. Fill the time with devotion to Christ, which leads to devotion to your spouse. Fill the time with peace and not silly arguments. Just ask my precious friend–sixty years later, she’ll tell you that the time flies by. Don’t waste it.

Practical Tips: Learning How to Be His Wife, Not His Mother

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Last week I wrote a post called “His Wife, Not His Mother,” and I heard from many of you about your personal experiences with this scenario. I got an email from a frustrated wife, asking me HOW to stop treating her husband as if he’s a child. As I told her, I don’t know if there’s a one size fits all answer to that question, but I did think of a few ideas that may help her, and I decided to share some of them with you, in case you were also hoping I would get to the how-to at the end of that post.

Give him a little respect.
One of the most important things that a man needs to feel from his wife is respect. I know this sounds very old fashioned, but pick up any marriage book where the writer has surveyed men, and I guarantee that this is the top need that a man has almost every single time. He needs to feel that she respects him as a person, and that she admires him.

Sometimes it’s difficult to express respect toward your husband when you don’t feel that he’s acting very respectably. A few years ago I heard a helpful illustration on this point. There are certain positions that you give honor and respect to, even if the particular person in the position isn’t living up to his potential as a leader. The presidency, for instance. School teachers. Your parents. You offer respect because you have respect for their position, not necessarily for them personally. So, keeping that idea in mind can make it easier to express respect for your husband even before he has earned it. He is your husband and the father of your children, and, according to the Bible, he is the leader of your family. So, even if he isn’t leading particularly well in some areas, you can still show him respect and honor, even if the way you do it is to simply say the words “I respect you,” or “I admire you,” while showing him by not over-criticizing. It’s amazing how something as simple as that can change a man’s attitude.

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Create an image of him that he can live up to.
Most people respond better to positive reinforcement than they do to criticism or negativity. For instance, a newlywed couple is just learning how to keep a house. The wife is a terrible cook, as she is just learning. But, her husband goes all over town telling everyone what an amazing cook she is and how he loves it when she cooks for him. This encourages her to keep going, keep working at it, and over time she becomes the amazing cook that he said long beforehand that she was. Alternatively, a young couple gets married, and the husband tells everyone how bad her cooking is and how he would rather have his mother’s or he would rather go get fast food. The criticism discourages her so much that she quits cooking and just spends her time watching Netflix instead. She, too, lived up to what her husband told her and others that she was. I think we all underestimate the power of our words.

Find ways to praise your husband and build him up. Say things that you know COULD be true, even if they aren’t now. Not something outrageous, like, “You’re the best trash taker-outer ever,” if it’s been well-established that he’s terrible at doing that. But, find something else, like telling him what a great dad he is and how much the kids love spending time with him, what a difference he makes in their lives. Then give up on the trash and decide that will be your job or if your kids are old enough, assign the job to them. Then you won’t constantly be disappointed and frustrated and angry that he didn’t take out the trash.

Look for his strengths.
Sometimes it takes many years and lots of work to discover your husband’s real strengths. As women we all have our pet things that we think our husbands should do or should not do. But, many times if we step back and look at other things that he’s doing, we will realize that he is expressing love and respectability in all kinds of ways, just maybe not the ways that we WANT him to.

For instance, I love words of all kinds. As my husband has grown older, he’s gotten less likely to write me a sweet note than he was at 20 years old. As he aged, he started feeling sort of foolish writing love letters. (And, in his defense, he still gives me some of the best love notes ever on occasion.) So, I spent several years being hurt by that. Then one day I realized that he regularly washes my car for me. He mows our yard. He pulls the kids teeth because I hate it so much. He holds me close at night. And, it dawned on me that there were small acts of love all around me that I was missing because he wasn’t doing the one or two things that I thought he should be doing.

So, take a close look at your life and look for those small things that matter more than you are probably acknowledging. I’m saying this to you as someone who spent years blind to all of those little things. Once I opened my eyes, I loved and respected my husband more than ever, and I saw so many ways that he sacrifices that I had never noticed before because I was hung up on one or two issues.

Sit down and talk with him, not at him.
As far as communicating with your husband on a “manly” level, I would suggest being perfectly honest about your dilemma. Tell him that you are worried that he feels you treat him like a child, and that’s the very last way you want him to feel because you respect and honor him as the love of your life. Ask him if he feels that way, and ask him how you could communicate things that you would like for him to help you with without making him feel like you’re nagging or talking down to him. Tell him that you don’t want to act like you’re his mother, but you need help figuring out how to communicate in a way that shows him respect. Just ask him how he feels about it, and ask for specific wording that you can use that won’t make him feel like you’re mothering him. You might be surprised when you hear what he’s thinking.Say good things about him.
And, the all-important rule that will make all of the difference in the world: don’t talk badly about him to others. (I’m not talking about counseling/mentoring conversations.) You are his wife, his biggest cheerleader, his main supporter. The more he hears you heaping praise on him to his face and to others, the more he will want to live up to your expectations of godly manhood. And, don’t let little things like underwear on the floor make you forget about all of the ways that God has blessed you in your marriage.

I hope these ideas will help some of you in your quest to treat your husband like a man instead of a boy. The majority of men want to please their wives. Chances are your husband wants to have a happy, healthy life with you. I know it can be frustrating to be married. It can be frustrating to feel like you’re the only one taking this thing seriously. But, with hard work, prayer, and plenty of communication (and probably some marriage counseling for many of us), chances are good that you can enjoy a long and truly happy marriage.

Praying for you all as you go forward. Don’t get discouraged just because love doesn’t come easy. There’s probably no other area of your life where you are more often called to love like Christ–sacrificially, completely. And, as human beings, that’s tough to live out. But, God can do anything, even in imperfect, childish husbands and imperfect, scolding wives. We are all just sinners who need a Savior.

His Wife, Not His Mother

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I saw a discussion on Facebook about marriage. One woman was asking for advice because her husband has the bad habit of playing video games all night, beginning as soon as he walks in the door from work. She was upset because he doesn’t spend time with her or their children, and they never go to bed together. She was lonely. And, she wanted to know what she should do about it.

It didn’t surprise me that someone asked about this issue. What did surprise me is how many women responded who were in the same situation. And, what bothered me even more was the advice they were dishing out.

“Take the video games away from him except on weekends,” one said. “If that doesn’t work, smash the games.”

“Make a routine,” another advised. “Every day is something different after work, and then on Sundays, after some family time, allow him to play.”

It didn’t sound like a discussion about a husband and wife, but a mother asking for advice for dealing with her naughty child.

I could write a whole post about men who are addicted to gaming and other pursuits that cause them to shirk their commitments to their families. I could write an entire book about how clueless some men are when it comes to being a responsible father and husband. But, this post is to the wives.

Stop treating your husband like he’s eight years old.

I have an eight year old son. I am constantly trying to teach him how to be. I tell him to chew with his mouth closed. I ask him if he used soap when he washed his hands. I limit his screen time and I dole out punishments and I try each day to teach him how to be a civilized human being. More than that, I try to teach him how to be a Christian. How to speak with kindness. How to sort his laundry and put away his socks. How to wash his hair and why we shouldn’t talk about poop in public.

It’s appropriate and good for me to do those things because it’s my job. I have been appointed by God to be Sawyer’s mother, and I take the responsibility seriously. I am in a position to teach him how to be a productive member of society, how to be likeable and capable and responsible.

But, my job as a wife is completely different. I know it’s hard not to nag. It’s hard not to point out all of the ways that our husbands could do better, be more, accomplish this or take care of that. It’s hard not to nitpick and mother them. It’s hard for me. Especially when I’m already in Mama Mode all the time with the three kids. If I’m not careful, I’ll find myself speaking to Chad the way I would one of the children. And, bless him, he usually overlooks it. But, I’m wrong if I ever consider it my duty to make Chad obey my wishes as if he is a little boy. I’m wrong if I speak about him to others like he’s an incorrigible child who needs to be grounded.

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If we take one step back, we’ll see, dear wives, that what’s at the heart of mothering our husbands is pride and arrogance. We think we know what is best, and we want to lay down the law as if our husbands have underdeveloped brains or no common sense. It’s not our job to keep our husbands in line. And, truth be told, nagging and nitpicking and punishing and withholding good things from our husbands doesn’t work. It just breeds resentment and widens the divide between us.

I know that many of you who are reading this are thinking that you wouldn’t treat your husband like a child if he didn’t act like one. I get that. I really do. But, as long as we are slipping into the role of being his mother instead of his wife, we are only perpetuating the cycle.

All those Facebook memes have got it wrong. You aren’t the adult trying to deal with a stubborn child. You are a full-grown, feeling, thinking woman in a partnership with a full-grown, feeling, thinking man. It doesn’t really matter if we feel like our husbands behave in childish ways. If we approach them like they’re men, if we hold them to the high standards of manhood, especially godly manhood, then we are much more likely to get a manly response instead of a childish one.

And, in return, I hope that our husbands will hold us to the high standards of godly womanhood. Because Christian marriage works best when we are acting as iron sharpening iron, instead of being so focused on our own wants and needs and desires that we cut each other off before we can make each other better.

So, pray for your husband. Let God change him. Let God change you. And, don’t settle for the unsatisfying job of trying to be a second mother to your man. You will wind up feeling frustrated and rejected every time. Let God work in your husband’s life, and be a faithful partner and friend, showing him that you respect him as a man rather than sending the message that he is nothing more than an incompetent child in your eyes.

My Husband Doesn’t Put the Kids to Bed, and It’s Really Okay

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During the course of our seventeen years of marriage, my responsibilities and Chad’s have shifted and changed. In life, you adapt to your current circumstances, and marriages have to adapt as well. When we were young marrieds with no kids, we shared the (rather light) work load, both working outside the home, both working to keep the inside nice and neat. By the time we had our first child, Chad was an attorney and I was a stay-at-home mom. Our world had shifted dramatically, and so did our responsibilities. I started doing the bulk of the dishwashing, laundry, and almost all of the childcare, while he worked long, stressful hours.

Yet, he would do his best to come home for an hour in the evenings so he could rock Adelade to sleep before heading back to the office to work late into the night.

I could’ve tried demanding that he come home and bathe and feed her, but that would’ve been absurd under the circumstances. He was working hard for our family. He was doing a good job for his boss. He was providing for all of our needs. And, he seemed most at peace in those moments when I handed him a clean, sleepy, full-tummied baby and he could sit there and watch her little face as she drifted off to sleep. I was happy that he loved those times so much, and he still talks about those evenings in that squeaky hand-me-down rocking chair, with his first baby in his arms.

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Fast forward a few years, and we had two older kids and a newborn. Chad took over the responsibility for getting the two older kids bathed and pj-ed and in bed while I nursed the baby. He started driving Adelade to school in the mornings so that I could remain in a zombie state in my robe for awhile longer. He did all the mowing, car cleaning, bill paying, and I tried to keep kids alive and tried to cook and tried to keep house. Expanding our family to three kids and two parents meant the two of us had to link arms even tighter, always trying to remember that we were on the same team, even though life with three little people got crazy at times.

These days, our kids are older. Things got easier. Chad became a pastor, and in some ways we’re back to the long hours and late nights, but on other days we aren’t. The ways we help each other ebbs and flows throughout the weeks and months, but I have taken back the job of getting the kids ready for bed. At least half of the time, Chad isn’t even home by the time they have to go to bed. The rest of the time, I’m content to let him rest or read or write or do whatever he wants to do while I get the little people bathed and tucked in.

When friends find out that he doesn’t help out at bedtime, they give me a hard time about it. They joke that I’m too easy on him, that I should negotiate for a better bedtime situation. Yet, if I were to name everything that Chad does on a daily basis for our family, they would quickly understand why, at this stage of our lives, I really don’t need him to put the kids to bed.

Marriage isn’t about keeping score. I put the kids to bed because I want to take that responsibility off of Chad’s plate. I want him to have down time if he can get it. I want him to feel free to counsel someone or minister to somebody without having to worry about whether I’m going to be mad that he missed bedtime. Instead of looking at bedtimes as something that he owes me for, I want to see it as one way that I can repay him for all of the good that he brings to our life, for all of the ways that he blesses me by taking care of truly awful things like buying car insurance and weed-eating our yard.

This post isn’t really about bedtimes. It’s not about bathing kids or about flossing teeth. It’s about how in marriage you do for each other what is best and most needed at different phases of life. It’s about how you look for ways to take a load off of your spouse’s shoulders rather than looking for more ways to get what you feel you have coming to you. Marriage can quickly fill with resentment if you let it. It can quickly become a never-ending game of what-you-owe-me. I have fallen into that trap many times over different issues. But, then I take just one tiny step back. Just one step is all it takes to see the bigger picture of how Chad takes care of me in so many ways. It’s almost embarrassing.

So, I’ll keep bathing these kids. I’ll keep giving the piggyback rides and brushing all those teeth and asking one more time if everyone went to the potty before bed. Because, in this phase, these aren’t just little ways to love and serve my kids. They’re little ways to love and serve my husband. And, since I usually can’t manage to keep clean underwear in his drawer, bathtime (with a good attitude) is really the very least I can do.

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14

Your Mom Has a Blog Podcast, Episode 5

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This week we finally hear Chad talk about an embarrassing moment. Plus, summer memories, the gorilla in Cincinnati, when you want your husband to be a spiritual leader, and we got a car! Does it have Stow ‘n Go? Tune in to find out! 🙂

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To the Women Who Wish Their Husbands Were Spiritual Leaders

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I get it. You see who your husband COULD be. If only he prayed more. If only he led the family to go to church. If only he read his Bible daily. If only he was the spiritual leader that you know your family needs.

You look at him and see apathy. Laziness. It makes you sad, but mostly it makes you angry. You can see so clearly what he needs to be doing. Why won’t he just do it?

And, before you know it, you feel yourself beginning to lose respect for him. You start to resent him. You look at other people’s husbands and wonder why he can’t be more like them.

Your motives are good. You want your entire family to grow spiritually, to have a strong spiritual foundation, to love God and serve Him together. But, you often end up shaming your husband, airing your disapproval of his leadership skills.

Take a moment, dear Christian wife, and consider how many ways that you fail in your walk with Christ. Think about how often you have to repent, how many times you find yourself falling into the same old sin traps, how often you wish you had controlled your tongue. Think about how far you yourself are from perfect. And, then look at your husband through fresh eyes, with compassion for a fellow sinner, with admiration for all the things he does right, and with the kind of patience that you know God has for you.

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It’s so easy for you to see the flaws in your husband. But, the truth is that if you want your husband to be a spiritual leader, you should pray more and nag less. You should verbalize all the ways that you respect and admire him. You should stop looking at the situation as you-are-right and He-is-wrong, instead taking the approach that you are both imperfect and in need of God’s guidance and care. And then, help your husband along with prayer, real encouragement (not criticism disguised as encouragement), and unconditional love.

You are an important part of your husband’s spiritual growth, whether you know it or not. But, prodding and pulling are not going to work. Pray for him. Love him. And, trust God to do the work that only He can do. You weren’t given to your husband to act as his personal holy spirit. God intends for you to love him deeply and serve him as a fellow traveler on the road to eternal life. If you want your husband to be a spiritual leader in your home, let yourself be led by humility instead of frustration, by love instead of pride, by prayer instead of criticism. These are the first steps in encouraging spiritual growth in the man that you love.

And never forget, dear friends, about all of the things about him that made you fall in love in the first place. Chances are, he really is a pretty great guy. Pray for him and love him well.

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Note: Nothing in this post is meant to be a justification for abuse.

If you are in an abusive relationship, get out and get help.

The Inner Workings of Becoming One Flesh

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Chad and I have had a pretty amazing run at marriage for the past sixteen years. But, like all marriages, ours goes through phases. There are times when we feel closely connected. Other times we feel completely out of tune with each other.  Phases in marriage can last for a few days or for years. Thankfully, so far our relationship has been dominated by good phases, and by God’s grace we really and truly love being married.

Communication is the Key to Becoming One Flesh

When I look back on the more difficult phases of our marriage, I can see a pattern of a real lack of communication. I think that on the whole, it’s tough for couples to really tell each other how they feel. I think we hold back because we are afraid. We’re worried that our spouse will think we’re dumb or immature or too clingy or too sensitive. We’re concerned about revealing once and for all to our spouse that we are the big phonies that we feel in our hearts that we are. This is especially prevalent in Christian marriages. I think there are times when we work hard to keep our spouse from finding out who we REALLY are. That we are really just broken down sinners who don’t have it together in any way. It makes us feel vulnerable and we tend to fight against ever putting ourselves in that position.

But, one of the keys of intimacy is vulnerability. When God said the two shall become one flesh, He wasn’t just talking about sex. I know my own flesh. I know every flaw, every thought, every desire of my heart. I know every way that I am likely to think and react in a host of different situations. I know all of my own likes and dislikes. I know what makes me feel loved and what makes me feel dejected. Not only that, but I love my own flesh. I try to take care of it and protect it. If Chad is now part of my flesh, then I should know these things about him and do these things for him, as well. But, there’s only one way that I can know and love the real Chad, and that is if he talks to me. And, there is no way he can accurately guess things about me– I have to communicate them to him.

I’m not at all saying that your husband or wife needs to know every little thought that comes into your head. Don’t do marriage like that or you will have trouble! Your wife really doesn’t need to know what you think of her floral capri pants. But, it is impossible to become one flesh if you spend your life trying to hide your struggles, your failures, and who you really are from your spouse.

The Unexpected Elements of Married Communication

Before we get married and we are in the phase of talking on the phone for four hours or gazing into each others’ eyes all evening while discussing hopes and dreams, it’s difficult to imagine a time when it will take great courage to try and communicate on that level. Yet, it seems that somewhere along the way, the longer we know each other and grow and change, there are certain topics that get difficult to bring up. The need to know our spouse and be known by them doesn’t go away, but it can be easy to start creating compartments of our deepest thoughts that we can’t bring ourselves to bring up.

The truth is that even saying sweet and loving things to our spouse can start to feel awkward after awhile. Couples who were once absolutely spewing sweet nothings years ago can feel weird just trying to say I love you. We can get self-conscious and feel dumb trying to express our love to our spouse. But, we need to do it anyway. We can’t assume that we can live happily for the rest of our lives on what we said or did ten years ago. Marriage is an on-going exercise in making fools of ourselves for love’s sake. And, I don’t know a person on the planet who doesn’t like to be told how much they are loved and appreciated, how beautiful they are, or how inspiring or how precious.

gears

Another incredible surprise of communication in marriage is that when we do embrace the vulnerability and we reveal our real selves, our spouse’s reaction is often nothing like we imagined. A friend recently told me that she realized she was struggling with feelings that she didn’t feel were God-honoring. As hard as it was to do, she opened up to her husband about them, not knowing whether he would preach to her or laugh at her. But, to her great surprise when she told him about her issue, he wept and reassured her and told her that he was so glad that she had opened up to him in this way.

We can’t be guaranteed that our spouses will react with such compassion and kindness when we make ourselves vulnerable. We are all imperfect people, and we won’t get it right every time. But, how will we ever grow in Christ as a couple if we don’t reveal our hearts to each other? We have to be real with one another in order to progress as one flesh.

But, What if It Seems Hopeless?

Some of you are in marriages where the trust has been so shattered that you are barely making it through the day living in the same house, much less sharing intimate thoughts. To you I would just say to start small. Start by setting aside five or ten minutes of honest conversation each day. Write it down if you can’t bring yourself to say it out loud. And, be open about your struggles and your hurts.

Some of you are in marriages where you are the only person who has a relationship with Christ at all. This does make things difficult because on a heart and soul level there are things about you that your spouse doesn’t understand. You can’t grow in Christ together yet. But, you can still strive for that one flesh intimacy by communicating with one another. In your marriage, this may be the avenue through which God speaks to your spouse. (1 Corinthians 7:13-14) And, there is still a lot to know and understand about each other, even if you don’t have that spiritual connection that  dual relationships with Christ afford.

Above all, whether your marriage is happily chugging along or is on the verge of collapse, pray. Pray without ceasing for the courage to open up. For the wisdom to react in loving ways when your spouse is vulnerable. Pray for a change of heart in both of you. Pray for the determination that you need to stick it out, and for protection from the things that crop up in life that seek to destroy your intimacy and break your bond. One thing I can say after sixteen years is that there is no good time in marriage to become lazy or inattentive. If our marriages are going to last, if they are going to be the soul-enriching, love-pouring blessings that they are meant to be, then we have to constantly be tending to our relationships.

Becoming one flesh is about giving all of your real, imperfect, messed up self to all of the brokenness of another person. And then God’s love covers the whole thing and gives us beauty from what ought to be one big pile of ashes. He redeemed our souls, and He can redeem our marriages. It takes courage. But, He gives that, too, if we only ask.

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