We moms are always talking about “Me Time.” We seem to spend a lot of brain power thinking about it and how to get it. I even recently saw a red carpet reporter whose sole assignment was to ask celebrity moms how they get the all-important Me Time. And, each celebrity had different answers. Pedicures and coffee were favorites. Lunches and going to the gym were mentioned. Basically any activity that doesn’t involve the children can qualify, although if doesn’t involve the children OR the husband, then it is really considered a treat.
And I know why we say this. It’s because being a mom is tiring. And draining. And some days it’s not all that fun or even interesting. Being a mom requires lots of hard work, lots of putting others first, and lots of doing things that you don’t necessarily feel like doing. So, when we have been doing this for a while, when we can’t even go potty by ourselves, we start to crave time to just be alone or to be with friends, minus our kid crew.
Hear me when I say that there is nothing wrong with this. It is okay to go and do things without our kids or our husbands. It’s okay to want to.
But, there is real danger in the Me Time mentality. I mean actual, harm-your-family danger. Because if we aren’t careful our desire for Me Time can cause us to resent our children and our husband, as if they are keeping us from exploring something about ourselves that we can’t while we are mama and Mrs. We can easily come to a point where we are self-centered and self-serving, thinking only of what we need and want. Where do you think the popular divorce mantra “I deserve to be happy” originated? I’ll just bet you it all started with placing overblown importance on Me Time.
The truth is that Me Time is an abstract concept that means not a whole lot of anything. It’s a myth, really, just something we like to say to make ourselves feel, for a moment, that there is more to us than mommy-ing and wife-ing. We use the term as if it means that it is possible to have time that is just ours and no one else’s. As if we can really step away from mothering and separate ourselves from it. The reality is that once you become a mother, the rest of your life is an exercise in willing yourself to focus on whatever is at hand, while some part of your heart and mind is still feeling around in the dark for your children, how they are, what they’re doing, or what they need.
So, we can continue to talk about and seek out Me Time, and we can grab lunch with friends or get a pedicure or go to Starbucks and read a book without pictures for a change. I think all of that is fine and probably advisable, because when we do those things we feel refreshed and energized for the tasks of mothering. But, Me Time isn’t the glorious missing piece in our lives. Life actually isn’t all about us, as some would have us believe. Our time belongs to God, to our children and our husband, AND to us. There is no such thing as Me Time. Maybe we should just call it Time When I’m Not Physically in the Same Room With My Children.
What? It could catch on.
By all means, today you should take a few moments for breathing deeply, drinking a Dr. Pepper on the back porch, or even going to get your nails done. But, if you are in the midst of raising kids right now, your Me Time is here and now, in the moment, sharing space with your people. These are the days you’ll look back on with joy. Don’t wish them away by dreaming of some mythical idea of important time spent by yourself.
Me Time isn’t an essential of living. And, someday, when we’re older and we don’t have children hugging our knees or pre-teens asking for rides to the mall or teenagers trying our patience, we will have lots and lots and lots of Me Time.
And we’ll long for the days when we couldn’t go to the bathroom alone.
That’s the upside down and backwards world of motherhood. Welcome. I think you’re going to like it here.
theadventuresofkimandkids
Reblogged this on theadventuresofkimandkids and commented:
I love this and agree 100%. I believe a major cause for marriages breaking down in couples no longer acting as a couple. Each person is a separate person no longer a joined couple. You have to raise children as a team. I love being a wife and mom and know I will have too much “me time” when my kids are grown.
grammatteus
Good point. Applies to Dads too, IMHO.
Melissa
I agree, grammatteus! Thanks for pointing that out!
amygaylemitchell
This is so important. I have a friend who got so obsessed with getting her “me time”, she gave up her relationship with God, her husband, and her kids. It has been devastating. It all creeped in because of a craving for this “me time”.
Melissa
Oh my, Amy! How sad for her family and for her!
amygaylemitchell
Yes…so sad.
zebulanhundley
Reblogged this on a stranger in my own land and commented:
Food for thought!
nkccteague
Good point, well-said!
Melissa
Thanks so much!
livevirtuallyoutloud
Reblogged this on livevirtuallyoutloud and commented:
Found this blog interesting. I appreciate the comments on the general idea of “Me Time.” I grew up with the idea that you don’t do what you love, you learn to love what you do. The series of life choices we have made along with the plan God has for us or the serendipity of life leads up to the point where we are.
If I wasn’t doing this, I would be doing something else. So if you weren’t wife-ing or mom-ing like the blog states, what would you be doing? As you work a bit of that other thing into your life, can’t you create a more balanced life? I agree becoming self-focused is not healthy. It all becomes about balance.
I think most of us struggle with how to create that much needed balance in life as the roles we assume begin to define us. Can I still be a golfer if I am a husband? Can I still have a beer if I am a parent? Do I have to spend all of my time at the office because I want to be good at my job or want to have a career?
I think the key is not depriving yourself of anyone aspect of how you define yourself. If you are a golfer, you need to allow that time in your schedule. If you enjoy an adult beverage create responsible situations to allow that freedom. If you love your job and your career, do it without guilt. But when you are a wife, husband or parent, be in that moment. Suck up every drop, because those moments are going fast and will not last forever.
nafiddini
I agree 🙂
tashajonesdavies
Great post, I love it. Thanks for sharing!
Melissa
Thanks so much!
lmarks04
Me time is overrated. I daydream at work for a couple hours each day and that’s my me team.
dailyquizquestion.wordpress.com
Melissa
Ha ha! I’m sure your employer loves that! 🙂
aekohli
Liked your article, but I think me time for mothers is essential. I dont have kids, but i see a lot of dissatisfied, lonely older women, who thought me time was not important.
Maybe it is not, for living, but certainly to live with happiness.
To be a person to their kids, and not just someone who does things for them and runs the home.
To retain a sense of self, so that, when their kids are gone, Mums have something to hold on to.
Melissa
Thanks for your comment! I don’t have a problem with Me Time, it’s just the obsession with it that can cause problems in the home and family. I think that we can find joy in our everyday, and in small breaks here and there, without having to constantly be pining for time away. Thank you for reading!
aekohli
Yes I understand, and totally agree
themisanthropologist
It’s funny because being a new mom, I always tell my husband that I need some “me time.” But then sometimes when I actually get it, I don’t really know what to do with the “extra” time lol.
Melissa
Ha! That happens to me, too! 🙂
Angelique Stevens
Being an Army wife and a mother of teens–I get too much of this “Me Time” that others (and my younger, pre-military self) crave so badly. I miss my kids. They are live here, but they aren’t really “here” half the time. When hubby is not in the field, deployed, or located elsewhere for training (TDY), he is home, but busy being the NCO–always on the darn work phone or too tired to really be “here”! It happened suddenly. One day my kids wanted mom–not for rides or money, but instead for my attention. Hubby had a civilian 7-5 job and was present when he was home. Then I found myself in a world where my kids don’t want to talk, play, or hang out with me; and my husband re-joined the military (a choice we both made and prayed about). Now I long for the days when I couldn’t be “alone”! Be in the moment. You are always getting “me time” by making every moment of life with your family count. It goes by fast and before you know it, you are looking at colleges and longing for the days when they watched you pee.
Melissa
Thanks for this thoughtful comment, Angelique! I enjoyed reading your perspective on it.
pcoffeythoughts
As a mother of four I realise now that not enough is made of the fact a woman only has by her biology a limited time frame in which to be a mother and there is plenty of space in your life for me time when you really consider it.
Melissa
Good point! Thank you!
meetsunshine
Reblogged this on Me, myself and Shine.
Tori
You’re so right and I so needed to hear that. Thanks. I am a backpacker who dreams of getting away. Usually it’s more of a running away. I even sometimes blame it on genetics. My father seeks solitude for sanity as well. BUT there is a balance. It’s okay to want to be alone. It’s okay to do things without my husband. It isn’t okay though for these dreams to take root in my heart and begin to draw me away from my family which is my ultimate calling at this time of my life. When I do go for a hike or camp, the open spaces give me room to breathe and relax and I come home refreshed usually. But there have been times where I come home wondering what life would be like if I could just up and leave, go where I want, meet new people. It causes me to resent my precious family and THAT is wrong. Accountability is so good! Thank you.
Melissa
Tori, thank you for your honesty. My bet is that many women who will read your comment struggle with the same thing.
londryfairy
I hope I followed blog etiquette correctly. I posted a link to this blog post at the bottom of the post it inspired me to write, titled “Happiness”. If I was incorrect in that please let me know so I may correct the error.
suestubbs4
I’m a stay at home mom and now working from home. And my husband is a truck driver. Sure we all feel like we need Me time and it is important especially when my husband home. But I don’t put too much importance in having to find a sitter just to have Me time. And I see that a lot friends of mine stressing cause they can’t find a sitter and complaining about it. Which just brings ppl down I’m my opinion. Instead I find my Me time is after the kids go to bed. And my husband will come home during the week so we can connect again while kids at school.
Melissa
Sue, most of my “downtime” is after the kids are in bed, too.
KMarie2002
Reblogged this on An Army Rising Up and commented:
Enjoyed reading this. Every mom should read this…
appslotus
Reblogged this on Apps Lotus's Blog.
leftoverpeas
‘Me time’ is the most important time for you. Everybody needs at least one hour a day – yes ‘everyday’ to wind down and get your own thoughts, ideas and all the rest of the chaos in your head together – and at least for an hour. ‘No kids, no dad’ or ‘no kids, no mom’ if you’ve just got back from the office, or ‘no mom and no dad’ if you’ve just got from college. Do what you want: run, sit in front of the TV, flick peas at the cat or ebay like a boss. Whatever, everyone needs time for themselves to recharge.
darkbluecherry
What a lovely post. Reading such posts I feel that I my attitude is changing and that I am preparing for the no-privacy-in-the-bathroom time. Thank you for sharing and teaching the good.
Melissa
Thanks so much!
katherinejlegry
There are certain things one can never know about oneself if she don’t know solitude.
And taking time to take care of oneself actually allows one to take care of others better.
And children spending time alone grants them room to explore and pretend without preconceived notions of how which is vital to human cognitive development.
Self sufficiency is taught and mom can get help with the housework instead of doing it all.
You all deserve a break. Even if absence only makes the heart grow fonder… and you just want to get back to your kids.
mykitchenshenanigans
YES. You said this perfectly! Today has been one of those ‘I NEED SPACE’ days, and I definitely took it out on my husband and my son. So, thank you for the reminder 🙂
Melissa
Thanks!!
babylove73
I appreciate someone else recognizing the importance of not focusing too much on ME-TIME! I am a 41-year-young grandmother with no children living at home, and all those years I spent being a mommy and wife were heaven, now that it is just too quiet all the time. Me-Time is overrated.
Melissa
Thanks, babylove73!
Issang Gutierrez
“…our desire for Me Time can cause us to resent our children and our husband, as if they are keeping us from exploring something about ourselves that we can’t while we are mama and Mrs…” –> I agree with you, most especially on this statement. I came VERY close to resenting my husband when I kept focusing a lot on how I could get back my “Me Time”. Reading this post made me realize I should re-focus my energy/attention to what really matters. Thank you 🙂
Melissa
Thanks, Issang!
Issang Gutierrez
Reblogged this on A Missus' Musings and commented:
I made this rule on my WordPress account, that the only ones I’ll publish are my work. I have to make an exception, though. This article sort of woke me up. Moms (and hands-on-dads) will definitely be able to relate to this, but wives without hired help/housekeepers will, too, especially those who work or manage their own business.
You can read more here: http://yourmomhasablog.com/
Eileen黃愛玲
I know it’s probably unrelated but when I read your title, I can’t help but to think of one of the episodes of the Golden Girls. Sophia said, “Welcome to the George Bush era! Me! Me! Me!” xD
Now that I’ve read your entry, I couldn’t agree more, especially:
The truth is that Me Time is an abstract concept that means not a whole lot of anything. It’s a myth, really, just something we like to say to make ourselves feel, for a moment, that there is more to us than mommy-ing and wife-ing. We use the term as if it means that it is possible to have time that is just ours and no one else’s.
Melissa
HA, Eileen, well, I always liked that show! 🙂 Thanks so much for your comment!
foxy41
I really enjoyed your blog and think its very relevant to mothers today. In my experience, everyone has to arrive at that conclusion themselves after a long personal journey. Look forward to the next installment.
Melissa
Thanks for reading!
Lyla Michaels
Reblogged this on Conversations I Wish I Had and commented:
Interesting.
the thoughts of L
Even when I get “me time” I’m thinking about my kids… does that even count as “me time” lol
Melissa
Same here! 🙂
lisssilverwing
i relate very much to this … yes it’s very true what you said .. chasing for the me time can become selfish . it’s best to just enjoy those moments when they come and consider them a holiday rather than chasing it at all costs
Melissa
Thanks for reading and for this comment!
lisssilverwing
you’re welcome 🙂
Quest Eduventures
Reblogged this on Love the way you are ! and commented:
Love the way you are !!!!!!
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Brinda
This is such an eye-opener for self obsessed people. Not just with kids, one should not hamper their social life to spend time alone. Knowing how to balance is the key. ‘Me Time’ is not always the solution!!
Melissa
Thanks for this comment, Brinda! You’re right–sometimes we withdraw from others, too, when it really isn’t necessary.
rachelwhims
I teared up a little when I read that about “I deserve to be happy.” This is what my mom said to me when she divorced my father and then again when she divorced my step-father. Me-time was something I heard a lot growing up and recently I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed and wishing for my own me-time. I think I’ll just settle for some time not in the same room as my children. Lol! Thanks for helping put things in perspective. Great post!
Melissa
Wow, Rachel! Thanks so much for this!
abooth08
Excellent. I agree
Melissa
Thanks!!
Nichole
Reblogged this on livinginfaitharmywife and commented:
Agreed. Honestly, sometimes I feel guilty for having the “me time”. I end up missing my kids and husband and find my thoughts wondering to what they are doing. I say take a little bit to be alone, spend it with God praying or reading. Refresh the mind and soul before going back in the company of your spouse and kid(s). I’m sure they will appreciate your mood change or enhancement as much as you needed it.
teganbytes
Am currently enjoying Time When I’m Not Physically in the Same Room as My Children (and a glass of wine!) and it feels pretty good. As a mother I think it’s vital to have that time to relax and recharge, but agree the current obsession with ‘me time’ is becoming a little concerning. Interesting though, that you rarely hear that phrase in the context of men or fathers! Is it because they get more of it, I wonder?
Melissa
That’s a good question! Although, I have had several men comment that it can also be a problem for men. The term “me time” doesn’t sound very manly, though. 🙂 Thanks so much for your comment!
diamondgirl069
Reblogged this on Literature Life and Lattes.
f1kat
I completely agree with your post. When you’re new to motherhood, you desire “me time” as parenthood is full on, but the moment you have your time, all you do is think or talk about what you’ve left behind.
Melissa
Thank you, f1kat!
jessicaneuendorff
Beautiful ideas, and beautiful writing. As a new mum, I whole heartedly agree. We are lucky to be mothers, not everyone gets the chance to know this kind of love, and pain. Not everyone gets to live this fully. I have friends who love the single life and love to travel. And sometimes I am jealous of them. They are not jealous of me. They see me tied to my messy house and noisy baby. I see myself as a tree, grounded, but with roots so deep I can’t fathom where they go to. I stretch to the past and to future I will never see, but will still somehow be a part of. I could never show this to anyone, it is too internal. I am so greatful for every wonderful and aweful moment. I wouldn’t choose to spend my time any other way.
Melissa
Well, this is just beautiful, Jessica!
caddellc
I was just commenting to someone recently about all the years I only found time to read books with pictures, and an average of 32 pages. The great thing is, my kids remember all those years, too, and now know it’s what so many other children are lacking in their homes. I cherish the “Us” time we had, and read lots of probably-less-valuable books to myself, these days.
Melissa
Love this!
eutopiafamily
Reblogged this on eutopiafamily.
anusdesigns
‘me time’ is the time to refresh oneself and trying to get all the other stuff away from the brain and i think its very important
Melissa
I agree that we need time apart. My concern is really about the obsession with me time that seems to be everywhere. Thanks for reading!
Gerri
My kids are just grown now and I love all the ‘me time’ I get. I don’t miss being a taxi driver, a chef, a medic, …however, I am still a counsellor. The large amounts of time I get to myself are just the quiets before the storms, a rest period in between. There are days when all three of my pets follow me into the bathroom. That, I’m sure, will never end.
ydenisef
Reblogged this on yde's corner and commented:
I absolutely agree
Banan Gharaibeh
Very nice article and very true. You can actually have lots of Me Time when your kids grow up.mine are now 20 and 17 .hubby and kids not so demanding thank God. So I have lots of me time these day 😉
ianwilliamson881
Hi
Nice blog.
Me time doesn’t have to involve missing out on any one.
Create your own me time by getting up 1 hour early each morning.
Plan your day the nite before to do this.
When your husband,wife or children are at work or school, this can be me time.
Me time can be reading a book,listening to a podcast or walking the dogs.
No one has to miss out.
I enjoy plenty of me time and my family doesn’t have to miss out.
All down to you really,what you count as me time.
Many thanks
Ian
Melissa
Thanks, Ian. I agree–small doses are the way to go.
Melissa
Thanks, Banan!
aishakhan0208
No wonder you have a long fan following. Your words hit every mom and their overt or covert longing for the me-time.But as you very rightly pointed very soon years pass and then momies cry about their Empty Nest syndrome. Very well written. I am reblogging so that I can read it leisurely, when I find the time. Lol!
Melissa
Thanks, aishakhan0208!
aishakhan0208
Most welcome Melissa!
aishakhan0208
Reblogged this on aishakhan0208 and commented:
Wanna read it in my me time:)
NS
This was liberating! I was skeptical when I started reading but you completely had me by the end. A great perspective that will make lives of many of us moms EASY:).
Melissa
Thanks, NS.
selinalow
Thank you for writing this. I was struggling to find this over-glorified “Me Time” and your post put things in the right perspective.
Melissa
Thank you, selinalow. Over-glorified is a great way to describe it.