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A Cell Phone Agreement for the Christian Teen

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After almost fifteen years, we are finally jumping into the world of cell phones with our first-born. As a follower of Christ and one who has seen the ways that cell phones can lead kids astray, change their priorities and personalities, and provide plenty of easy and “private” ways for kids to sin against God, Adelade is dipping a toe into these waters with caution and a heart that wants to please the Lord. For that I am so grateful. I want her to understand that God’s grace is enough for any mistakes that she will make as she begins to navigate the world of text messaging, social media, and the internet. But, I also don’t want her or Chad and me to enter into this new era lightly. I want us to come to this moment with hearts and minds that are tuned to God’s word and His commands for living according to it.

So, I didn’t want to create a document for her to sign that I called a “contract.” Not because I think there’s necessarily anything wrong with that, but because I don’t want this to be set up in her mind or ours as a list of do’s and don’ts. I don’t want her to view the phone as a wicked machine bent on her destruction. Nor do I want her to feel like if she fails in any of these areas that she is, then, a failure. The truth is that we all face temptations to say what we shouldn’t, to react in the wrong ways, to look at things that aren’t edifying, to waste time, to be lazy, to ignore our family, and to hurt our witness as Christians while we use and live with and enjoy cell phones.

Instead, I wrote an agreement that I hope will help her to think through the ways that she uses her phone. The idea is to help her commit in her mind ahead of time, before the temptations arise, that she will follow the Lord’s leading and not her own flesh. I firmly feel that kids need a plan as to how to handle temptations, especially when it comes to cell phone use. As parents, it’s our job to guide them through such a plan.

With that in mind, this agreement is sort of a road map that helped us talk through all of the different ways that we know, according to God’s word, that she can walk in holiness with a cell phone in her pocket. I wanted to make sure there is a strong emphasis on the gospel, on God’s grace and on the power of the Holy Spirit within us. Our discussion as we walked through the agreement together went well beyond what is listed here, but it was a great jumping off place and helped me take these ideas far beyond the realm of legalism into examining our hearts and considering the why and the what now of temptations that we face as cell phone users.

Cell Phone Agreement

As I know that cell phones can be good things which are often misused, tempting us to act, talk, or think in ways that are not God-honoring, I agree to commit to the following:

  1. I will strive to avoid gossip, bad-mouthing, and discouraging or unwholesome talk. (Ephesians 4:29)
  2. I will guard my eyes and heart against images that dishonor God, knowing that pornography is real, readily available, and that I will be targeted by that industry in the hopes that I will become a regular customer. I am fully aware that nothing on the internet is truly private. I will not look at things that I wouldn’t want my mother, father, or Sunday school teacher seeing. (Philippians 4:8)
  3. I will never send or post a photo or video of someone without their permission. This includes siblings. (Luke 6:31)
  4. I will not be so preoccupied with my phone that I ignore situations or people around me. I will remember that God has called me to love those around me, and that’s hard to do when I’m staring at a screen. (Ephesians 5:1-2)
  5. Whenever possible, I will put my phone to good use as a tool of gospel outreach, encouragement, and care for others. (Matthew 5:16)
  6. I will not send compromising photos of myself to anyone. If someone sends compromising photos to me, I will take my phone directly to my parents without reply. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
  7. I will continue to study and learn God’s word so that I have discernment on the internet, recognizing which ideas are biblical and which aren’t. I acknowledge that most of the world’s advice is directly opposed to what the Bible teaches, and I will be vigilant in clinging to the truth of the Bible above all else. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)
  8. I understand that nothing on my phone is secret or private. My parents have apps that report my activity, and they will also regularly look through all of my content. This is one way that my parents help keep me safe and hold me accountable as a fellow Christian and beloved child. (Hebrews 13:17, Hebrews 10:23-24)

I understand that this agreement before the Lord is between my parents and me. I know that in any arena of life, temptation can only be overcome with the help of the Holy Spirit. So, I will rely on Christ, and I will remember that with the Holy Spirit’s help, NO temptation is too strong to resist. (1 Corinthians 10:13, 2 Timothy 1:7) And when I do sin, I will remember that my sin is no match for the wonderful grace of my loving, compassionate God. (Hebrews 4:15-16)

I know that my parents are a safe haven for me and that they understand the temptations that come with cell phones. I will not be afraid to talk with them about anything, and especially not something that is worrying me, upsetting me, convicting me, or scaring me.

 

Signed:_______________________________   Date:__________________________

As Christian parents, we really don’t have to be terrified of what is out there. God’s word gives us the tools we need to teach our children well. They will make mistakes. They will struggle and they will question and they will rebel in their own ways. They will face situations they have no idea how to handle, but if we begin with an open dialogue that tackles sin and temptation head on, they will be much more likely to look to us when trouble does arise. I pray that this agreement is just the beginning of an ongoing conversation about what is happening in the online world that Adelade is entering.

Please note that we also use internet filters and accountability software. If you would like to talk through this agreement with your kids, I’ve created a pdf file that you are welcome to print and use. Just click here.

In Defense of Prudent Parenting

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I’ve heard the argument many times through the years. “Cool” Christian parents love to use it. They have no problem with their kids watching television shows and movies or playing video games that are filled with profanity and vulgarity of all kinds, for this simple reason: It’s no worse than what they’re hearing at school.

Now, I have a daughter in the ninth grade, so I know for a fact that these parents are 100% correct. In the hallways of school, the f-word is bandied about constantly. Sexual jokes are common, and inappropriate talk is a way of life. It’s difficult to be a Christian kid in a public school, but it can be done, and what a mission field it is. I have complete faith that the Lord is using school as a training ground for my girl, helping her learn to love those who are sometimes difficult to love. Helping her understand how great the need is in our world for the only good one, Jesus Christ.

I know that she hears these things at school. However, you will not see me inviting foul-mouthed kids into my living room and sitting my children on the couch so that they can listen to an unlimited supply of the f-word. Doing that would be weird and spiritually confusing. Regardless of what the cool parents claim, there should be a huge difference in what my children see and hear outside of our home and what they see and hear inside of it. Christian homes should be filled with what is pure, right, noble, and lovely. These are the things that we should be encouraging our children to think on. Personal holiness in our children begins with what we approve of inside the walls of our own houses. Allowing our kids to consume profanity-ridden entertainment in our living rooms is tantamount to putting our stamp of approval on the very language that they are putting up with all day at school. I want my kids’ ears to be tuned to God’s word, not the world’s words, and if our home is a haven of godly teaching and wholesome entertainment, then every time they hear an f-bomb dropped at school, it be a sour note that helps show them the difference between living for Christ and living for everything else.

I know. It’s only language. Words. But, don’t fool yourself, cool Christian parents. It matters what your kids hear inside your home. How can we expect our kids to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and mind if we say we are for holiness, but our actions show them that entertainment is more important? What a sad substitute for an all-in faith.

Why We Go to Church on Vacation

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Today I found myself sitting down to make a list of all of the things that I’ll need to pack for our family of five for our upcoming vacation. We try to escape for a few days every summer, a chance for my pastor husband to get away, at least physically, from the demands of being everyone’s go-to guy when things get tough. I don’t think that it’s really possible for either of us to leave our dear church behind in our heads or hearts (nor do we want to), but it’s so nice and necessary to spend some time focusing on our little family having fun together.

Some years our vacation plans cause us to miss a Sunday at our church, and on those years we all get excited about choosing a church to visit while we’re away. Now, you may wonder why in the world a pastor’s family would look forward to going to church on vacation. Isn’t going to any church sort of like going to work? And the simple answer to that question is no. Church is not work. It’s our family, our support system, our place of worship, and our lifeline to the truth of God’s word. The church is not just a place we go–it’s who we are.

I remember when Chad and I were newlyweds. The first Sunday of our new life together rolled around, and he cheerfully hopped out of bed and informed me that we were going to church. I had a more lenient view of church attendance–I thought that it was no big deal to skip a Sunday here and there, especially in your first week of marriage. But, Chad set a precedent that morning that we have stuck to through the past twenty years. There is really and truly no place we would rather be than in God’s house on Sunday mornings, partly because God has used that faithfulness in worship to bless us in so many ways through the years that I couldn’t even begin to write them all down.

There are a few other reasons that we wouldn’t dare miss the opportunity to worship with our fellow believers on a vacation Sunday.

1. It’s encouraging.

It’s an encouragement to visit churches in other parts of the country while we travel. It gives us an opportunity to witness what God is doing in other places, and it reminds us that He is working in so many ways that we don’t see. Walking into a building and knowing that we have a deep connection with a bunch of strangers just because we all love the Lord is really uplifting and reminds us of the sweet fellowship of Heaven.

2. It sends a message to our children.

Something seems very wrong about being blessed beyond belief by a fun vacation and then flouting a chance to worship the One who provided it. When we make church attendance a priority all the time (even on vacation), we show our kids that worship is not all about a place or certain friends or familiarity, but it is about Jesus. It helps us to focus and to remind our kids that this is a way of life, not just a ritual or routine. Even when it might not be familiar or completely convenient, we are still going to find a church and honor our Savior on Sundays.

3. It’s fun.

We have a great time entering a church as guests and experiencing the way that another church does things. It sparks lively conversations afterward about what they are doing and how they’re doing it. Often it inspires us to come back home to our own church and institute some great idea that we got from a church on vacation. It’s fascinating to see how other awesome churches operate, and we always enjoy trying something different that’s out of our normal routine.

4. Where else would we be?

For our kids, it’s a no-brainer. If it’s Sunday, we’re at church, even when we’re away from home. They would be shocked and dismayed if a Sunday came and went and we spent it sleeping in or even lying on the beach, not because they are trying to be rule-following do-gooders, but because they have learned to love worship, and their very best memories of life have happened right inside church buildings. They have discovered, like we have, that inside the church we find hope, truth, and love. So, where else would we be on a Sunday?

God provides so many sweet opportunities to worship during our short time on earth, and His people have been such a source of joy and friendship and encouragement through the years. I’m grateful for that late May day back in 1999 when my brand new husband declared that on Sundays, we worship. It has made all the difference. When we vacation, we don’t want to take a break from being who we are. We’re grateful to be God’s children, and we enjoy being with our brothers and sisters worshiping Him, no matter where we may roam. I thank God for the privilege. May we never take it for granted.

Mothers Don’t Get Days. We Get Moments.

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I could fill the world with books about the moments I’ve had as a mother. Seconds exchanged, glimpses of the glories of God found in the faces of the three children that I love most. Moments. Just passing, casual, regular minutes that burrow themselves into my heart, flashes of life so real that they weigh me down and they push me forward and they always, always keep me looking back at what God has done.

Some of the moments that I treasure the most are things that my children aren’t even aware of. Secrets that reveal themselves in the middle of a dark night, when an exhausted young mom feels like she is the only person in the world who is still awake. I remember the resentment that I tried to beat back as my guilty heart gazed down at the source of my complete weariness. I wanted to sleep, yet here was this needy little baby, greedily crying out for food at a most inconvenient time. Some nights I would wonder how amazing it must be to be a dad, snoozing happily through all of the turmoil and trouble that a night with a baby sometimes brings. But inevitably I would lift a milk-drunk darling’s head to rest on my shoulder, and there I would hear a tiny sigh of contentment, like the still, small voice of God, and I would remember that sleep is overrated.

Don’t ask a mother to measure this experience in days. The days are filled with the non-magical. Of unpleasant odors and disobedient children and astounding messes. The days, on the whole, may be overwhelming and disheartening and tear-filled. They may knock a mother to her knees, convince her that she is utterly incapable of raising children. You see, the days are the hard part. But in the moments a mother finds her strength and her encouragement and her awe.  It only takes the most minuscule glimpse of the love of God to gird a mother up and steel her for another day of non-magic. The moments are flashbulbs that light the way for a weary mother’s heart: the way a baby will sometimes throw his head back and cackle. The sheer joy in a kindergartner’s face when she spots her mama at the end of a school day. The way a fifth grader will occasionally slip his hand inside his mother’s. Waking in the morning light to the sound of a precious little voice calling. Love notes in elementary scrawl.

When it comes to Mother’s Day, every mother knows that there is no such thing. It’s just another chance, like all days are, for God to take our breath away with one baby smile. For Him to whisper His love and care for us through the tiniest moments that have nothing to do with breakfast in bed or spa days or gift cards. The real treasures of motherhood are far removed from the picture perfect poses that flood Instagram. Mothers are much more likely to run smack into a cherished moment during a long, miserable night with a vomiting child than we are at a Mother’s Day brunch. And somehow, as God pours out His love through us, He also pours His love on us through needy, often unreasonable, regularly pitiful children who happen to have a knack for pointing us to the great, precious, unequaled love of the Father, one gracious moment at a time.

What a gift.

Distrust of the World Should be a Mark of Christianity

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Oh, Momo. I’ve grown weary of the outrage and the panic and the shock over this overblown and not all that impactful scary monster of the internet. If you are shocked by the notion of Momo, then there is a whole wide world of truly terrifying things on the internet that are going to send you into a tizzy. To be honest, some largely folklore-ish chicken lady with bugged out eyes is the least of our internet worries.

Parents, even Christian parents, are far too trusting of what the world produces. If it has the label “for kids” on it, parents put it in their child’s hands without a hint of worry. American Christians are practically experts at burying their heads in the sand, choosing to allow their children to consume things that are vaguely bothersome, but if it’s made for kids, then how bad can it really be? Parents make decisions without stopping to consider who is producing the content that their children are being exposed to. They choose not to dwell on the fact that a biblical worldview is repugnant to most who create programming and gaming for children, and they blindly trust that what some vague strangers have cooked up for their children is wholesome, edifying, and maybe more truthfully, distracting and entertaining.

Meanwhile, their children spend hours on some days letting the world pour knowledge and understanding and paradigms of thinking into their hearts and minds. Christian parents, just feet away in some cases, are completely oblivious to the fact that what their children are learning has nothing to do with godliness, goodness, or even logical constructs of human interaction.

As Christians we should have at least enough wisdom to understand that we cannot trust this world. The Bible clearly teaches us that we are not home–we are aliens in a world that seeks to destroy us (Hebrews 13:14, 1 Peter 5:8-9). Jesus said: “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you” (John 15:18-19). 

If we believe the Bible then we must let it inform the way we think and act. Too often we buy into the idea that people are basically good and trustworthy, even though scripture repeatedly tells us otherwise. If we believe what Jesus taught then we have to take a few steps back and view parenthood through the lens He created for us: this world is bad. Really bad. And the last precious little things we should trust it with are our children.

I don’t say these things to cause us to lose hope as we raise children in these times. God knew exactly which times we would be called to raise children in. He has placed us here for a purpose and will give us His power through the Holy Spirit to make decisions that reflect our worldview. No, I am not trying to discourage parents. I write these things because I tire of Christians being so shocked by how wicked this world is. I get frustrated by the fact that parents won’t listen and learn and know what is out there and what the facts are. I grow weary of Christian parents not having a biblical worldview, not being committed to a way of living that is different from the world, and it is somewhat deflating when I see Christian parents go into a full-blown panic over something like Momo when what is really damaging the hearts and minds of our kids is much more common and insidious. The very devices you are handing them, Moms and Dads, are teaching them a whole set of values. Do you know what those values are? Do you know what this world wants to teach your kids? Do you know how hard some are working to turn the hearts of your children away from God and away from you? Because it is happening, whether you want to admit it or not.

It is so easy to point to some ridiculousness like Momo and call it evil. It takes much more diligence, much more seeking the Lord, much more study and prayer and awareness and determination to realize all of the more innocent-looking ways that the world is setting up camp in your living room through your kids’ devices. What IS your worldview? And how are you teaching it to your children? All of the Momo panic has highlighted at least one thing: this world is bad. But then, Jesus already told us that.

These are strange times for raising children. We can’t do it without Bibles in our hands and God’s word in our hearts.  We need knowledge of the Truth before we can combat the lies. And we need a deep down, urgent sense of how little trust that this world deserves, especially when it comes to our children. And in all of this, still, we can parent with optimism: Jesus is our hope and our children’s salvation. “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

Why I See Bright Hope in Our Children’s Generation

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This weekend I spoke at a retreat for preteen girls. We didn’t talk about modesty or boys or makeup tips. We didn’t discuss friendship or time management. Instead we spent the day dwelling on the absolute, perfect truth of God’s word. We talked about the Bible as the authority for all of life and Jesus as the answer to our very real and very present sin problem.

In the afternoon I had a meeting with mothers, and we sat together and faced the realities of this world that we are trying to raise disciples in. My fourteen year old Adelade sat on the front row and listened to us discuss everything from pornography to YouTube to sex education, and as our time came to an end, she quietly asked if she could say something. Then, in her level-headed, calm way, she encouraged the mothers to talk with their children early and often about sexuality, since so many of her own eighth grade classmates are struggling to understand where on the growing spectrum of sexuality that they fall.

When I was a preteen, a girls’ retreat would be focused on more superficial things. We would hear that we are doing great and that God finds us beautiful and that if we want friends we have to be friends. We would have been told that Christian girls don’t wear skirts that are too short and we may have even had a makeup demonstration. Nothing is wrong with these things, but those things aren’t what we really needed to hear.

We were living in a culture that didn’t often demand more from our churches.

But, our kids are growing up in a completely different world. It isn’t going to be enough to urge them to change their behavior. It isn’t going to be enough to tell them Bible stories as morality lessons or to equip them with self-help advice. The culture of their youth is awakening churches to rediscover the true gospel, to re-establish in the hearts of the people the reality that God’s word is the ultimate authority in our lives, to show us just how far we are from a holy God, to wave His standards of holiness like a banner, to throw His grace and mercy to a dying world like the life-and-soul-preservers that they are. For our children, repentance will be the theme of their growing up, perseverance in the face of a culture gone cold to the ways of God. They will have to grow a true, faith-fueled, God-honoring relationship with the Lord to survive the world in which they will come of age. No half-baked religious play time will be enough to sustain these boys and girls. They will have to rise as men and women of great faith, of total conviction, of solid doctrine, of sound theology. They will have to know and love God’s word, and they will have to know and love God.

Otherwise, in this age of anything goes but Jesus, they will crumble and fall away from the superficial religion that we tried to bubble wrap them in. Our kids don’t need to be hidden away. They don’t need for us to pretend the biggest issue they’re going to face is whether girls should call boys. Not in a world where preteens are sending naked pictures to each other. They need to be armed with the truth, both the truth of what the culture surrounding them really is and the truth of what the Bible really is.

I see this happening more and more. I see a generation that is being taught a biblical worldview, that is learning like no other American generation has had to before what kind of faith that it takes to stand up to lies, distortions, persecution, and hatred. It see it in my own daughter–she needs more to cling to than cliches and Christian tshirts. She needs a true, solid, unshakable faith that informs her every thought as she analyzes the world around her. She needs a worldview that is rooted in scripture. She needs the eyes and mind of Christ. No nominal faith will be enough for her–not in this world that wants to devour her heart and soul.

I believe we will soon see a generation that may be fewer in number but more firm in faith than any we have seen for a long time. These kids are growing up with extreme pressure from outside forces, a pressure that I believe will press them even more firmly into the shape of Jesus Christ as we guide them according to the very words of God. I have a bright hope for the kind of bold, God-fearing disciples we will see rise from the ashes of their generation. May God bless them as they glorify His name, blinding lights in an otherwise dark and depressing world. I believe He will do it.

Raising Pro-Life Children in a Culture of Death

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The latest sound bytes coming out of New York and Virginia have caused most of us terrible grief, as we look up from our day-to-day lives and recognize that our country really has turned into a culture of death. So many facets of our society proclaim that human life isn’t worth much, but none so boldly and unapologetically as the shameful sin of abortion. As the conversation now shifts from the killing of infants in the womb to the killing of infants lying in a hospital bassinet, we look into the faces of our own children and wonder what sort of world they will be raising kids in. What sort of decisions will they face when it comes to the lives of their babies, and will they revere human life enough to know which decision to make? Will they grow up recognizing all people as special creations, made in the image of the one true God? Or will they listen to the demented arguments of those hellbent on killing and find them quite reasonable?

It all boils down to worldview. How can we instill a pro-life ethos in our children? No matter what is happening outside the front door of our homes, how do we create and foster and cherish a culture of life inside our own families? I believe it is entirely possible, but only if we talk to our children. If we shy away from the tough subjects with our kids, they will be left to guess how to process all of things that they see and hear around them. They need our guidance. And, most importantly, they need guidance from a biblical perspective. In the way that we live and in the way that we teach our children, our goal should always be raising true disciples who leave our homes with a crystal clear biblical lens through which to see and understand the world.  With that in mind, here are four ways that we can help our children grow up with a reverence for human life.

1. Teach them that human beings are different from the rest of creation. Our kids need to learn from an early age that human beings are special. Not only were we created in the image of the creator God, we were also created for relationship with Him. We have souls that will never die, and we were appointed to look after and take care of the rest of His creation. Every human life is precious because we are a reflection of our Creator. Our children need to understand that all the animals in the world, as sweet as they can be, are not as precious as a single human life. (Genesis 1:26-27, Mark 12:30)

2. Teach them about abortion. Our children need to know that abortion exists. They need to know that there are people in our country who make it their life mission to see abortion widely accepted and regularly utilized. Even younger children can understand the concept, and they will unequivocally recognize that it is wrong. We can use abortion as an opportunity to show our children how wicked the human heart really is, how bent toward sin it is, and how easily and quickly we try to justify our sins. With older children, we can show them examples of the kind of rhetoric that would try to convince them that abortion is none of their business. Then we can teach them otherwise. (Jeremiah 17:9, Romans 3:23)

3. Teach them that people are worth our time. Our children need to know that no one is worthless or not worth helping or not worth dealing with. People can be difficult, no doubt. They can be annoying and needy. But, through our actions and attitudes toward the human beings around us, we can show our children that people are worth the bother. They are worth the investment and the care and the time. The last thing our children should ever see us doing is writing someone off as hopeless. If anyone is a special creation of God, there is always hope. We can teach our children to look into the face of every person, even those that are more difficult to love or even tolerate, and recognize them as one made in the image of God. (Incidentally, this includes the abortion activists.) (John 13:34, Romans 15:13)

4. Teach them to serve others. Our children need to know that one of the fastest ways to see the value in another individual is by serving them. When we serve others we bind ourselves to them in a special way. We humble ourselves and put the needs of another ahead of our own. One of the most formative experiences that I regularly had as a child was going to a nursing home with my church. Even now, I always leave the nursing home with a greater understanding of the enduring worth of human life. When we share these experiences with our children, they, too, will begin to see humanity as something much bigger than their own experiences. And they will have a clearer view of how God uses people, in all phases and stages of life, to accomplish His will and purposes. (Galatians 5:3, Romans 12:1)

We are in the perfect position while our kids are still in our homes to fill their hearts and minds with the things of God. May the Lord bless you as you teach your children. I pray that together we will raise up a pro-life generation that will seek to honor God in this battle for life. And in all things. Amen.

Your Kids Do Think About You

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This morning I opened the door to my shower and turned the hot water all the way up. I stood there in my fuzzy robe, bleary-eyed and weary before the day had even really started and sighed deeply, wishing that I could go back to bed for a couple of hours. Then something undeniably cheery caught my eye from the corner of the steamy shower. It was three tiny bright yellow rubber ducks. Sawyer came across these ducks at some point in the past month or so, and since then every night when he takes a shower, he places them in some funny spot for me to find the next morning. Today they were perched atop three different bottles of soap and shampoo, facing each other as if they were conducting a board meeting. When I saw them I had to giggle a little bit. And wasn’t that Sawyer’s goal? To amuse me in some way? To brighten my morning with a cheerful little surprise?

Kids get the bad reputation of being completely self-focused. We tend to think of them as little creatures who think only of themselves and how they are affected by things. And there is no doubt that children do have the luxury of being a little bit self-centered at times. But as parents we should never make the mistake of believing that our kids don’t think about us. Actually, our children are constantly thinking about us, about how we react to things. About how we feel and what will make us happy or sad. Our kids are probably more in tune with our moods and wants and needs more than most people in our lives. And, as Sawyer’s ducks testify in their board meeting, our kids are often seeking ways to get our attention, meet our approval, or get a reaction from us.

As Christian parents, we should be especially aware of this way that our kids are tuned in to our actions and feelings. We can’t fool ourselves into thinking that our kids aren’t affected when we let our anger rule us. Or when we say something hurtful that can’t be unsaid. We can’t lull ourselves into believing that our kids don’t notice what we watch and listen to, what we say to our spouse or our friend, what we are posting on social media or how we react to those who are different from us. In many ways, my children are experts in who I am as a person. They know my favorite candy, which songs I’m most likely to belt out in the car, which colors I try to avoid because of my red hair. What would ever make me think that anything that I do escapes their notice? The truth is that every move I make informs them about who I am and what a Christian should be like, and they are watching me, always, to see what I will show them about following Christ.

It’s a terribly convicting thought because I know I am such a flawed example to them. Yet, I am an example nonetheless, and at this stage in their lives I am probably their most important example, apart from their dad. Sawyer’s ducks were a reminder to me: he is thinking about me. He cares how I interact with him and how I respond to him, both in fun and serious situations. He is watching me, considering me, wondering about me, and learning from me. Instead of assuming that our children are in their own world, wrapped up in kid things, we should stop and think about the many ways that they are showing us how perceptive they are of our attitudes and actions, and how often they are reaching out in their own ways for connection with us.

In all of this my prayer is that my own selfishness will be replaced by godliness. That when my kids watch me live this life, when they think about me and try to gauge my reactions, when they wonder how I feel or what I am thinking, that they will settle into a peaceful confidence. Their mother will not be perfect. But I pray they will see me seeking Christ and leaning on Him in the best times and the worst times.

With delight, Sawyer asked me if I liked the ducks. He smiled at me, and I wondered how much longer I will have the honor of being regularly on his mind. I reached out for a hug, and we grinned together about the three little ducks, discussing where they might turn up next. Just one flawed mother and her sweet son, learning each other and relying on the love of Christ when our own love proves imperfect. Tomorrow morning when I shuffle into my bathroom with a yawn, I expect I will again be surprised by three little yellow ducks. Maybe they will be standing on their heads. Maybe they will be marching up stairs made of shampoo bottles. I will smile in spite of the early hour because those little ducks will remind me once again that I sometimes occupy the thoughts of three children who have been entrusted to my care and discipleship. God’s mercies are new every morning, and so is the opportunity to show my kids what an authentic Christian life really looks like. They don’t need perfection. But they do need a Savior. And I am the mother who can point them to Him. What an honor. What a Savior.

Don’t Look Away

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I have been a part of my husband’s family for twenty years. I remember one night years ago before we all had kids, when Chad’s siblings and his parents and I were sitting around telling stories. Somehow a hilarious tale came up about some high school rebellion or other that had never been found out. As the story grew and she began to hear things she didn’t like, my sweet mother-in-law put her hands over her face and said with a laugh, “I don’t want to know about it!” She is a brilliant woman with multiple degrees, but when it came to this story, she enjoyed her blissful ignorance. She didn’t want to hear any more. She was happy to bury her head in the sand and go on believing that her boys were just as responsible and principled in high school as they are now.

It really doesn’t matter if Chad’s mom ever listens to that story or gets wise about some of the dumb stuff her kids did in high school. She isn’t raising them anymore. They turned out pretty great, and she can freely avoid the realities of those silly things that are now long past.

But those of us who are still in the trenches don’t get out so easy. We don’t get a bury-your-head-in-the-sand pass. We need to look up, look around, listen, and understand what is happening in the world around us.

A video is making its way around the internet that is part of a series called “Kids Meet…” This particular episode is titled “Kids Meet Someone Who’s Had an Abortion.” In the video, Amelia Bonow, the founder of #ShoutYourAbortion, sits down with kids to talk to them about how normal abortion is. She says it’s like “a crappy dentist appointment” where the doctor uses a straw to suck “the pregnancy” out. She also tells them that she feels that life begins at birth. For those who are pro-life, the video is disturbing. It revolves entirely around her feelings and sends the message to the kids who are speaking with her (and those who are watching on YouTube for Kids) that you are a mean person if you question someone’s feelings about a matter, even something as controversial and important as abortion.  She teaches the kids that the term pro-life is a misnomer and when one little boy says that he doesn’t believe that abortion should be a solution to what he calls “recklessness,” she tells him that even though her partner didn’t use a condom that she doesn’t qualify that as reckless, just a mistake.

As parents, it’s hard to face the reality that these are the kinds of “truths” that filmmakers and book writers, YouTubers and celebrities, teachers and politicians are diligently trying to teach our children. But the Bible is just another book on a shelf for most of the world. We MUST realize that the worldview that most influencers are promoting is directly opposed to what the Bible teaches. There was a time when what the culture was promoting pretty well lined up with the Bible. Parents in those days had the luxury of trusting the world at large to help them raise their children. We will not be able to coast through parenting that way. We will have to actively and consistently teach our kids how to process this world through a biblical lens, and the only way we can do that is if we look at and listen to exactly what our kids are being taught.

Over and over again as I shared this video with friends, they responded by saying they couldn’t watch the whole thing because they were too disgusted and disturbed. But, I would urge all of us: don’t look away. Watch and listen and show your kids and talk about it with them. Know what they are seeing on YouTube and Netflix. Know which websites they are frequenting. Follow Teen Vogue and see all of the ways that they are encouraging your kids to sin. Listen to the rhetoric that comes out of Hollywood and Washington. We can’t combat the wrong thinking that is being poured into our kids’ brains if we refuse to listen to it.

A few days ago, Amelia Bonow tweeted: “The ‘Kids Meet Someone Who Had An Abortion’ video now has over a million views. Huge thanks to the anti-choice mob for sharing widely & exposing tens of thousands of conservative women who’ve had abortions to the fresh, seductive idea that they don’t have to hate themselves.”

I like to think that the video has been shared so often because we, as parents, are waking up to the notion that our kids are being actively targeted and indoctrinated into a feelings-based worldview that completely discounts and directly opposes God’s way. But, it’s not enough to look and listen. Then we have to talk to our kids, often and with depth, and most importantly of all, we have to live out our faith in a way that shows them that God is real and that Jesus is so much better than anything the world has to offer.  Remember, the way is narrow and few find it. The majority of the voices out there are more in line with #ShoutYourAbortion than God’s word. Let’s raise our kids according to His word, eyes open, hearts tuned to His goodness, ears listening for the whispers of those who want to lead our children down the wide, easy path. Raising disciples in 2019 won’t be easy, but what an opportunity to bring glory to the Lord.

Count the Cost of Raising True Disciples (and Know That It’s Worth It)

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I want you to know something about training up children in the way they should go: it’s hard. It’s at the same time the greatest joy and a constant source of heartache. While you may see your child soaring spiritually, growing in the Lord every day, knowing Him more and loving Him more even while she becomes a woman in a culture that preaches every wrong thing at her all day long, you may also see that her circle of friends dwindles. That she searches and doesn’t find a like-minded soul to share her teenaged years with. You may look up and realize that your child is on the narrow path, and there isn’t a lot of foot traffic there, especially in junior high and high school. You may figure out that your child is interested in all of the things that the rest of her world is not. And, you will laugh at the brilliance and beauty of her spirit which is anchored to Christ. And you will wipe tears as you wonder where she will turn for friendship and companionship and close friends as her years go on.

In all of that, in all of the jumping for joy and the wringing of hands, we must remember that in the end it will all be worth it. In fact, it’s worth it now. It’s worth it to see your child discovering Christ, really seeing Him and learning to depend on Him.

The question is not whether our children can flourish on this path. It’s isn’t whether they can handle the possible rejections or the loneliness or the feelings that come with living as outsiders in a land that very much values insiders. They can. They can and will flourish. They can and will handle it. They can and will endure suffering, the kind that leaves them searching a crowd of high schoolers, looking for one sign of encouragement. For one hint of, “We’re waiting for you. Come and sit with us.” Our kids, with Jesus, can withstand this and so much more.

The real question is whether we as parents will have the strength and the courage to stick with this plan. To forget about popularity and temporary glories so we can point our kids to eternal things. The question is whether we will turn to our Savior, counting on Him to be enough for our children, to sustain them and us through tough teenage years and the trials of being different, the sometimes pain of choosing Christ above all. Will we falter when we see our kids suffering? Or will we remind them that in these hardships they are identifying with their Savior?

When we pray that our children will have tender hearts toward the things of God, when we pray that they will be radically devoted to Him, we must also be prepared for what that really means. And we must remind each other, over and over again: it’s worth it. He is worth it. We can rely on Him to see our children through as they blaze a path of faithfulness through a world that has been dulled by complacency and hopelessness. This is what we have been praying for. God give us the faith and the perseverance to see it through, even when our hearts break. Following Christ isn’t easy. But it’s worth it.

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