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For the Love of Discipline: Sara Wallace and Parenting Through the Gospel

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Sara Wallace is a church planting pastor’s wife and a mother of five (!) little boys. When she writes about parenting, I sit up and listen because she has great ideas for helping kids learn the power of the gospel through discipline. She recently did a social media parenting series, and I’m here to tell you that her strategies are thoughtful and they work! I’m happy to welcome her to the blog today to introduce you to her upcoming book. You can catch Sara at her blog, The Gospel-Centered Mom.

Dear Tired, Worn-Out Mom Who Hates Discipline: You’re Not Alone.

“I’m doing it wrong. This isn’t working.”

From the moment we hold our sweet babies in our arms these thoughts waste no time creeping in. I remember having these thoughts when I first started nursing and the first time I buckled a floppy newborn into a car seat. They haunted me during sleep training, potty-training, and picking gum out of toddler hair.

All of those things have a way of eventually working themselves out. We survive, life moves on. But when it comes to discipline, those thoughts don’t want to let go. “I’m doing it wrong. This isn’t working.” Perhaps that’s because nothing brings out our frustration and doubts about our parenting like discipline. We know we’re supposed to be training these little hearts, but we didn’t expect it to be so hard.  

I clearly remember a day that I disciplined my three-year-old for throwing a toy in anger. I told him to sit on his bed and think about what we learned about self-control. Situation over, discipline nailed. Right? Not so much. He turned around and said, “No. I will NOT think about ANYTHING.”

Oh, boy. I realized then and there that discipline is not something I can check off my to-do list. It’s an inseparable part of daily parenting – whether I like it or not. After having five boys in exactly seven years, I realized discipline was a train I was not getting off anytime soon.

But at the same time God began showing me that that’s a good thing. I not only want to stay on this train, I want to ride it all the way to its final destination: my kids’ hearts. Discipline allows me to connect with my kids in a personal, precious way. Most importantly, discipline lays the foundation for teaching my kids the gospel.

And now I want to come alongside you parents with a personal and embarrassingly raw account of what God has taught me about the “D” word. What does discipline have to do with the gospel? Theology is wonderful—but how does it help me with my screaming two-year-old in the middle of WalMart? How do we strike the balance between too much discipline and too little, especially when we are exhausted and discouraged?

I didn’t write this book because discipline comes naturally to me. I wrote it because my kid pushed your kid into the pool at swim lessons. I wrote it because last week I had to leave the grocery store early when my kids were wrestling in the aisles. And I wrote it because discipline seems exhausting and discouraging only when we leave out the most important ingredient: the gospel.

If you’re looking for a formula that will turn disobedient kids into perfect little angels, you won’t find it. God doesn’t give us a formula. He gives us principles. The Holy Spirit gives us wisdom to use those principles to point our kids to Christ. When your kids disobey, they are telling you something. Strain your ears to hear past the tantrums, the rebellious stomping, and the disrespectful tone. They are saying, “Mom . . . I don’t know how to obey on my own. Can you help me?”

This is our time. This is our chance to point our kids to the only thing that matters: the gospel. God has given us the task of discipline not just so we can survive today but to lead our kids to the cross. Discipline is a beautiful privilege and I want to show you how to find joy in it. There is so much more to discipline than creative strategies, checklists, and behavior management. There’s Jesus.

For the Love of Discipline: When the Gospel Meets Tantrums and Time-Outs will be released April 30th. Preorder yours on Amazon today!

Sara Wallace is a wife, author, and stay-at-home mom. She and her family live in Idaho where they minister in their church plant and homeschool their five little boys. Sara loves to cook, decorate her home, and write about the crazy blessing of parenting. 

Be a Mama Who Prays

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Imagine you are living in a kingdom where the king has ultimate control over your child’s life. He will decide who your child will be, where she will go, who she will associate with. And, because He is a good, kind, wise king, he allows you 24 hour access to his chamber, where you can come to tell him everything that you would like to see happen in your child’s life. You can ask for all kinds of crazy, unlikely, wild, and wonderful things for your child, and the king will listen to your requests.

Wouldn’t you run to his chamber a lot? Wouldn’t you practically be a fixture there, asking him to help your child, to guide her, to grow her, to keep her on the right path?

The truth is that this is the kingdom we live in. Only our king is also our loving Father, who adores our children more than we do. I wonder why we are so slow to come to Him on their behalf?

Why do we fret and worry and pace and cry and moan instead of running to the King’s chamber? Why do we scheme and try to figure out ways that we can fix our kids or ways that we can change their situation? Why do we endlessly wish for good things for our children, forgetting that we have free, unfettered access to the One who told us that if we ask according to his will, we will receive?

There’s a difference between wishing and praying. There’s a difference between crossing your fingers, hoping everything turns out and turning to the God of the Universe, praying that He will move. We can want plenty of good things for our children. We can long to see them rescued by God. We can be desperate to see them change and grow and know Him more. But, when we don’t take the time to earnestly pray about these things, we are wasting the precious privilege of crying out to God on behalf of our children.

Our children will face a lot of uncertainties in this life. They will be unsure of many things. But, when they are old and bent, looking back over a long, sometimes troubled, sometimes glorious life, may they be able to say with all certainty, One thing I always knew: my mama was praying for me.

We have no way of estimating what kind of eternal echoes that prayers for our children can create. How many Christian people have been carried through on the prayers of their dear mothers? Only God knows. Let’s be praying mamas, and one day when we are standing there in front of our King, we’ll feel right at home, having run to His chamber so many times before, and we’ll continue a long and sweet conversation with our good Father.

You Don’t Have to Give Your Kid a Phone

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“My daughter is thirteen years old, and she doesn’t have a cell phone.”

I said those words from the platform at a women’s event and was surprised at the sharp intake of breath all over the room.  I am not naive enough to think that my daughter isn’t a bit of an anomaly. I know that most kids her age are already well versed in the ways of social media, texting, and the big world that a cell phone provides. I know that when she leaves school for the day, dozens of conversations are happening via Instagram, Snapchat, and text that she isn’t privvy to and that she doesn’t ever learn about, except when they are hinted at at the lunch table, where she simply smiles and nods even though she is probably somewhat lost as to what ideas transpired between her friends at ten o’clock the night before.

But, it does surprise me to learn that many parents feel that they don’t have the option to hold off on providing a cell phone for their kids. The day that I made my shocking confession, the attitude of the fellow moms in the room seemed to be: You can DO that?

Why yes, you can.

And I would argue that in most cases you should.

Now, before you start thinking that our children are living in the dark ages, we do have electricity and running water. And our two older kids have iPods. They don’t have internet access or texting privileges with their friends, but they are allowed to FaceTime and text their grandparents and cousins.  They play games on their iPods and make movies and learn to take and edit photos and generally get a lot of fun benefits of technology through their devices. I’m not anti-technology. But, I am a believer in the benefits of sheltering my kids from social media and unfettered internet access. Yes, I said sheltering. Contrary to popular opinion, kids do need sheltering from some things.

A few days ago a couple of moms with younger kids asked me about our oldest’s cell phone, and when I told them that she doesn’t have one they said, “We were hoping you could tell us how you navigate the whole technology and social media world with your kids.” So, this post isn’t really for the parents whose kids already have a phone, although I hope that it will help you think through some of the issues associated with phone use. It’s for those of you who are wondering how you are going to approach this subject with your kids when they get older. Essentially, I’m going to explain some reasons that Chad and I have decided to delay our kids’ access to phones.

1. The Internet is a huge world full of strangers who can step into your home without your invitation.

Many times we have a false sense of security about the internet. We think of it as a tool when the reality is that it is an enormous collection of people that we do not know. I would never encourage my kids to go find a stranger at the grocery store and hang out in a private room with him, but in many cases this is what the internet leads our kids to do. It can be a very dangerous place where predators and people with bad intentions can learn all kinds of information about our kids. It can be a place where people we don’t know can have tremendous influence over our kids’ thinking and feelings.

When we present phones to our kids, we expect them to try to navigate this complicated online world before they have the cognitive abilities to make sound decisions. Studies show that their brains are literally underdeveloped in terms of decision-making until they are around age 25. So, imagine how inept a fifth or sixth grader’s brain is at understanding how to react to the various situations that could arise in the huge internet world filled with strangers.

2. The internet is a big world of people your child knows who can step into your home without your invitation.

When you are a middle schooler, no world seems bigger than the one you’re living through in the seventh or eighth grade. Phones allow that world to have access to kids 24 hours a day. I like the fact that my home is a sanctuary for my kids. The only kids allowed within these walls are those kids that I invite, and that is important for the mental and emotional health of my children.

If they were to have a terrible problem with someone at school, if they had an issue with a bully or a group of “friends” who has suddenly turned on them, if something embarrassing were to happen at school that day, my kids know that when they walk to my car as the bell rings, they are free from all of that, at least until the next morning when they set foot back on campus. They don’t have to worry about the bullying following them home. They don’t have to worry about receiving mean texts or having someone post something horrible on their social media accounts.

Even if there are no issues at school, if there is absolutely no drama happening, I enjoy knowing that school and daytime hours are for friends and after school and nighttime hours are for our family. Your child’s time at home needs more protecting than you probably realize. Constant socializing on the internet is leading to all kinds of problems in kids, including lack of sleep, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. They don’t need constant connection with everyone. They need a real connection with their family at the end of each day. Phones make that harder to accomplish.

3. The internet encourages kids to brand themselves.

I’m always running across funny collections of terribly photo-shopped pictures that teenagers have put on the internet. It makes us laugh, but the truth is that kids feel pressure to create a certain image of themselves on social media. It’s the same reason that so many take and post ten selfies a day. They are looking for approval and are trying to build a brand. They want their name to be associated with beauty or fitness or sexiness or casual coolness or whatever it is that they think will gain them likes and followers and the attention that they crave.

For kids, the work of figuring out who they are and who they are striving to be is only complicated by social media. They can become obsessed with themselves, their image, their approval ratings. And the last thing a middle schooler needs help with is being obsessed with herself. Delaying the dive into social media gives kids a chance to grow an understanding that the internet is not real life. It can be a fun place to play, but not a place to live. And if we give our kids more time to develop a real sense of themselves, of who they are and what their own standards are, then they are less likely to become obsessed with how they are seen on social media. They won’t see themselves as a brand but as an authentic person who is much more than a one dimensional image on a screen.

4. The internet is where porn lives.

It practically goes without saying that pornography is a huge issue with phones, and one that isn’t taken seriously enough. Some studies now suggest that the average age of first exposure to porn is nine years old. Third grade. I’m in no rush to put that industry into the hands of my children, even with filters and accountability software, especially since pornographers are actively targeting kids to ensure that their industry continues to thrive. Pornography addiction deeply affects the brain, body, heart and spirit, and phones are the easiest way for the industry to reach kids, either through their own phones or through someone else’s.

There are so many other issues that I haven’t touched on here, but these are a few of the reasons that Chad and I are waiting to provide a phone to our oldest daughter. I don’t know when we will feel that the time has come, but I pray that she will have time to grow in Christ, learning her own heart and mind, before she delves into the social media realm. I pray that she will develop decision-making skills that will help her not to be enticed by requests for photos. That will give her wisdom that keeps her from texting things about people that she will later regret. I pray that she will learn to be led by the Spirit instead of being led by an obsession with self or an obsession with the approval of others.

I know many of you reading this have given your kids phones and have done so with great foresight and discernment. I know that many of you have safeguards in place and monitor your child’s phone usage and are beautifully navigating the internet world with your kids. Those of us who aren’t there yet will need lots of guidance from you.

To those who have younger kids, I ask you to consider some of my reasons for holding off on giving our kids phones. You don’t have to hand your child a phone just because others do. I’m convinced there are great benefits in waiting until kids have matured a little, have grown in their relationship with Christ a little more, have a firmer grasp of who they are and what they believe, before they really need to be grappling with the complicated world of the internet. Life is simpler without that constant din of the world in your kid’s pocket. I’m in no rush to invite the noise in.

When God Calls You to Nowhere

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For eighteen days I have been in my house, fighting off multiple illnesses in my three children. It has been an unprecedented experience, unequaled in all of my years of motherhood, and I’m ready for its end. It’s been a crazy flu year in Texas. Otherwise healthy, strong, young people have died due to complications, and I have spent all of February watching my kids carefully, waking up multiple times a night to check on whichever one I felt was most likely to be dying. It has been exhausting and stressful and has brought me to my knees more than once.

As I write this I still have one here with me, the second one to get the dreaded flu, which was followed by a sinus infection, which was followed by what the doctor believes is another round of a different strain of the flu. It’s been so rampant here that the clinic and hospital are out of flu screens, so we can only guess as to which virus has struck her down again. It all sounds very dramatic, but in truth this entire month has been spent playing a million rounds of Uno, watching a zillion movies that star preteens, and scrounging for food in a nearly bare refrigerator. In short, the month of February has completely passed me by.

The fact is that I had big plans for my month. I was going to get a lot of writing accomplished. I was going to keep regular work hours and really dig into some projects and enter March feeling like I had done some good thinking, some good writing, making good progress on the things I feel like God is calling me to do. I didn’t do any of that.

But it isn’t because I haven’t been fulfilling my calling.

Proverbs 16:9 tell us that in her heart a woman may plan her course, but the Lord determines her steps. I thought my big work for the month of February would be related to my writing, but God reminded me in the past 18 days that I have been blessed with the privilege of being Adelade, Sawyer, and Emerald’s only mother. And, that is the ultimate calling in this phase of my life. It is a job that will chew you up and spit you out, that will leave you weeping from exhaustion, that will cause you to wring your hands when the coughing won’t stop, that will find you sneaking into rooms just to count the number of breaths that a child is taking. February has been long and trying and has caused me to lean heavily on my Savior, has forced me to pray for my children with a passion that I sometimes lack, has helped me to see that sometimes big work is little: drinks of water in a special princess cup, lists of medicine schedules, letting snuggly children cough in your face.

The Lord determines our steps, and this month they went a whole bunch of nowhere. Yet, somehow I found my Jesus there, in the middle of the night, in the middle of the mess, in the middle of the great honor and blessing of motherhood. The hardest days are the ones that drive me straight into His arms. And that is never a bad thing. I’m thankful that’s where He’s led me in the month of February. Maybe in March He’ll let me go to the grocery store.

He is so good to show Himself to me during flu season and during every season. His love never changes, never stops reaching for us, never gives up on us in our busy-ness. I am so grateful for the calling of being a mother, for the calling of being a wife, for the calling of being a writer. I trust His timing and His plan for all the seasons, flu or otherwise. He is good, and I love Him more at February’s end than I did at its beginning. He is love, He is healing, and He is peace.

Mother of Sorrows

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They say that a mother is only as happy as her saddest child. In my experience this is 100% true. How many times have I searched the faces of my children, wondering how they are feeling? Trying to gauge how hurt or disappointed or discouraged they are? How many times have I cried hot tears after they were in bed, lamenting some injustice or some heartbreak that has come their way?

Recently I stood in a hallway with a friend while her tears flowed, and she was powerless to make them stop. She was hurting for her little girl, and no amount of cheery Christmas decor or friendly hugs or knowing, sympathetic smiles was going to make her feel better. She was feeling deeply for her daughter, and it hurt. It hurt worse than if she had been wounded herself. The day our children are born we are introduced to a different kind of pain–the kind that knocks the breath out of us in one fail swoop as we realize we cannot protect our children from some things. The kind that makes us fall on our knees and beg God to help our children, to save them, to change them, to bring them peace, to bring them joy. The kind that breaks a mother’s heart into a million tiny pieces.

Mary was only a little over a month into motherhood, still glowing from the glorious evening of angels and shepherds and a lowly manger that turned out to be just perfect somehow, when she got a hint from God that heartbreak awaited her. She was taking her little family to the temple for the first time since giving birth, and they were greeted by an old man, a stranger. He rejoiced when he saw Jesus, little Messiah so desperately hoped for for so many years. He told Joseph and Mary things that had been revealed to him by God, and then he looked into Mary’s eyes and gave her a hard truth: …and a sword will pierce your own soul. (Luke 2:35)

Luke doesn’t tell us what Mary’s reaction was to this jarring statement. He doesn’t paint a picture of her questioning Simeon, peppering him with anxious inquiries. As far as we know, she tucked this information away in her heart as she did on that very first night when the shepherds came running down from the hills. But, there is no doubt that Mary eventually learned exactly what Simeon had been talking about.

As she watched her son grow in favor with God and men, only to see Him later ridiculed by the people of his own hometown. As she saw people crowd around Him, demanding so much, needing so much, hurting so much, driving him to exhaustion in his humanness. As she stood outside of a house with his brothers, sending for him, wanting so badly to take him home with her where she could take care of him. As she watched religious leaders plot against him. And eventually she stood at the foot of that cruel instrument of torture and death, the cross, and watched her firstborn son struggle and gasp and cry out and die.

How a stranger’s words must have echoed in her ears as she stood there, feeling as if she would never survive this moment, struggling to breathe, wishing her own heart would stop beating, too. If ever there was a day when a mother’s soul was completely run through, this was it.

Jesus, her miraculous God man, her firstborn child, one who began with the rejoicing of angels and ended with the weeping of all Heaven, was dead. Man of Sorrows. And, Mary, his mother, could only be described as a Mother of Sorrows, too, because she felt every insult, every blow, every tricky sarcastic remark, every doubt. She felt all of Jesus’ temptation and dread and disappointment and heartache. Every swing of the hammer on that dark day sent a spike through her own shattered heart.

God with us. Emmanuel. Gone. Mary’s world went quiet. And she walked away with heavy steps, tearing herself, wounded and weary, away from the scene of her son’s agony.

The Bible doesn’t tell us what the next few days were like for this Mother of Sorrows. But, we can imagine that she was grieved. Pained. Anguished. The sorrow must have felt like it would bury her forever. By the time Jesus made his first appearance to his followers, alive, healed, and glorious, Mary must have already died a thousand deaths herself, reliving the crucifixion in her mother’s heart. Imagine how she jumped and shouted and laughed and cried tears of relief when she heard the news: Her precious son was alive!

We don’t know if Mary ever saw Jesus again on this earth. We don’t know if they ever sat down and talked about everything that had happened. We don’t know if she ever dampened his shoulder with her tears of joy.

What we do know is that God dealt tenderly with this daughter of his. We know that he sent her angels and prophets and devoted friends. We know that he took the time to prepare her heart for the many sorrows she would face. We know that he gave her the faith to trust him, even when things were as bad as they could get. We know that he gave her more than any one woman could possibly handle. Then he carried her through it all, with might and grace and gentleness.

As a mother you may be going through a sorrowful time. You may be feeling weak and weary and like you will never survive this phase of life. You may feel like your soul has been pierced over and over again, and that you will never, ever be able to recover. But, if you know this Jesus, Mary’s son, the Son of God, the Word in the Flesh, then you are never without hope. He is alive, and He is as real as the pain you are feeling. Jesus is so much more than a baby in a manger. He is the Savior of the world, and he can rescue you from your shattered heart, your wounded soul, your anxiety, your grief, your utter disappointment.

Emmanuel. God with us. God with you, mama. God so clearly shows us in his word that he understands the agony that mothers will go through. Motherhood is all at once the most unspeakable joy and the most devastating heartache. He will carry you through every moment, just like he did his own dear, chosen girl, Mary, Mother of Sorrows. Look to his goodness. Look to his love. He is here, at Christmas and always.

Now all this took place to fulfill what was spoken by the Lord through the prophet: “Behold, the virgin shall be with child and shall bear a son, and they shall call His name Emmanuel,” which translated means, “God with us.” Matthew 1:22-23

Make Christmas a Starting Place, Not a Dead End

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Something happens in Christian families around the holidays. Everyone starts looking for advent resources. We get online and buy books about baby Jesus. We start googling creative ways to make Christmas about Him instead of about presents. We decide to start new traditions, like reading the Christmas story from the Bible beside the Christmas tree. We put as many nativity sets as possible in our house, and we try to find Spotify lists that are heavy on carols about the manger.

We know that we want Christmas to mainly be about Jesus. Yet, we also want it to be about presents. And family. And food. And decorations. And Christmas movies. It’s wonderful to focus as much as possible on Jesus and the deep, true, forever impact that the birth of Christ has on everything. In fact, it’s essential. We should do that as much as possible throughout this season. But, what really matters is not how much we talk about Jesus during December. What will make an eternal impact on our families is how much we talk about Jesus during all the other months of the year. What matters is whether we are living out this faith in regular, every day life.

Does Jesus have any other place in your family’s life, or is He reserved just for the manger?

Are you deeply involved with a local church, where your children are learning and growing in His word? Are you serving others through your church family so that your children see what true Christianity is? Are you allowing God’s word to impact the decisions you make, the conversations you have, the spending you do, the ordering of your priorities?

Is December the only time you talk to your children about spiritual things?

How many of us, when we put our tree away and begin a new year, will forget all about the zeal we had during the Christmas season for teaching our kids about Christ?

It doesn’t have to be that way. Instead of making Christmas just another spiritual dead end, what if we used it as a crucial, beautiful, world-altering starting place for a life that revolves around Jesus? What if we prayed and asked God to revive our hearts this Christmas, to restore the joy of our salvation? What if this Christmas Jesus brought real and lasting revival to our own hearts, our families, our churches? What if this is the very good beginning of a changed life, one where we and our our children and our children’s children will see the impact of true devotion to Christ alter everything about us?

It will mean an invasion of our hearts and minds. A no holds barred attack on the sin in our own lives. It will mean giving up entertainment and activities that are separating us from Christ. It will mean sacrificial living.

But, it will all be worth it. We want our children to be able to stand before Jesus and hear those precious words: Well done, my good and faithful servant. It begins with us. How are we helping to get them to that moment? What are we placing as a higher priority? Sports? Sleeping in? Money? Everything else seems ridiculous when compared to an eternity with the King of Kings. Our kids need to know there’s more to Christ than a sweet little baby on a bed of hay. We have to get them beyond the Christmas story. We have to show them though our own lives and through the church and through His perfect word that He is mighty and merciful, and everything about Him can change everything about us.

Do your advent calendars and your Jesse trees and your nightly reading of the Christmas story. But, don’t stop there. When January rolls around, will your kids be able to look back at Christmas and recognize it as the beginning of a Jesus-focused life for your family? Or will it look like yet another spiritual dead end?

We are the last people on this Earth who should be walking our kids down spiritual roads that lead nowhere. Run to Christ and watch your little ones follow. Abundant life and eternal hope are the sweetest gifts of all.

You Were Created for More Than Motherhood

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I remember when my first baby was about two weeks old. I had been thrust into this terrifying world of trying desperately to keep a tiny human being alive. I fell into bed at night, exhausted, but I woke up at every slight noise coming from my fragile little charge. I constantly worried that she couldn’t breathe or that she was in some kind of distress that I was too ignorant to recognize. Night and day were all one big blur of feedings and diaper changes and rocking and swaying and bouncing, with no real clue what I was doing.

Yet, even in those days of my body and mind being completely invaded by this pint-sized little soul, I remember I turned to my mother one day, my eyes half closed, my shirt covered in spit up, and said, Being a mother suits me to a T. I honestly felt like I had been wandering through life up until that point, just waiting for God’s big purpose for my life to fall into my lap. I decided it was motherhood.

It’s easy to see how I could think so. After all, the soul-deep love that God puts in a mother’s heart is powerful. It is consuming in a way that we didn’t understand was possible before we were already eaten up with it. It can overshadow a lot of things in life, especially in the early years. Motherhood is hard. It’s all at once beautiful and devastating in a million different ways. It brings things out in us that we didn’t know were there, both good and bad. And, it teaches us so much about God’s love for us.

A few days ago, I was in the dollar store, searching for cool prizes for our Wednesday night program at church. I was alone, as I often am these days, getting lots of things accomplished while all three of my kids were at school. It’s a new phase for me, and I’m still learning how to deal with the quiet. Suddenly, from across the store I heard the happy voice of a baby. He had obviously just learned his first word or two, and his mother was playing peek-a-boo with him. I could hear the sheer delight in his mother’s voice as she said again and again, Where’s mama? Every time she dropped her hands and revealed the sweet face that her baby knows and loves, he squealed, Mama! as if he had just won the world’s greatest prize. And right there in the middle of the toy aisle, surrounded by plastic snakes and miniature harmonicas, I felt my heart bust wide open at those sweet sounds that felt so familiar. I understood the absolute thrill that the young mother was getting in the dollar store on an ordinary Tuesday, when her baby showed in the way that only babies can, that he adores her to no end. And it broke my heart into a million pieces.

That’s not my life anymore.

Those days are gone. I don’t have babies. Adelade has traded in sippy cups for lip gloss. Sawyer, pacifiers for braces. Emerald gave up her blankie for a backpack. If motherhood has taught me anything, it’s how quickly phases of life come and go.

The thing about hindsight is that it tends to gloss over the realities of past experiences. It doesn’t remind you about the long nights sitting up with a sick baby, frantic over a too-high temperature. It doesn’t recall how much time it took you to accomplish anything at all while a little one was clinging to you all day and night. It doesn’t bring up the fact that you felt frustrated over your lack of social life, your lack of sleep, your lack of time with your husband, your lack of personal space. No, that precious hindsight only brings to mind the sweetest moments, the epiphanies about how wonderful motherhood is, the secret, sweet moments that only you remember, like peek-a-boo in the dollar store on an otherwise hectic, unproductive weekday.  This rosy memory-vision is one reason that grandmothers are so quick to approach a frazzled young mother in the grocery store to tell her to appreciate every moment.

I wanted to go over to speak to the young mother, too. I wanted to say to her, somehow, that I understand the soul-crushing love that she feels for her child. I wanted her to know that the moment she was having there was as familiar to me as the little country road that leads to my childhood home. I wanted to tell her that the thrill of hearing that tiny voice holler Mama will feel just a fresh and real to her twenty years from now. I wanted her to know that she doesn’t have to dread and fear the growing up of her precious little boy because motherhood is NOT the purpose of her life. It is an indescribable blessing. It is the source of endless joy. It is one way that God shows us how much we need Him, and it is one way that we learn to lay our lives down for someone else.

But, what we call motherhood–training and raising and caring for children–is fleeting, just like everything else. It doesn’t last forever, this phase of life. Children grow and they change and you grow and you change, and then they begin a new life out in this great big world. If, as I once believed, motherhood is the reason God made me, then what use am I when this phase of life is over?

It doesn’t mean that our hearts won’t still creak and crack and melt just a little when we remember what we once had. It doesn’t mean that what we’re doing here, in the wilds of motherhood, doesn’t have eternal significance. But, God’s purposes are big. Much bigger than we can imagine. The purpose of our lives is to glorify Him in all that we do, whether we are mothers or not. Whether we are in the thick of chasing toddlers everywhere or simply remembering those days, a little misty-eyed. God’s purposes don’t have dates of expiration. They don’t apply to only one section of our lives. And they certainly aren’t wrapped up solely in the too-short phases of mothering children.

I wanted to tell her all of these things, but I knew it was too much. Instead, I just walked past and smiled at her baby. The sweet young mother watched me, and when our eyes met, I nodded. She nodded back, and then I walked out the door, my hands empty, heart filled with the truth of God’s goodness in all the phases of life.

Setting the Tone in Your Home

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I will never forget the day that little five year old Sawyer looked up at me and said, “Mama, you’re always mad.” It was a wake up call like no other. The truth is that I hadn’t realized how irritable I had become in that phase of life. But, when he said it, scenes flashed through my mind, revealing the hard truth that I had become increasingly unreasonable in my interactions with my family. I was turning every small inconvenience into a huge show of annoyance, and even though I didn’t necessarily feel angry and upset all the time, as far as my family was concerned, I was behaving like I was. Imagine how unpleasant it must’ve been for them to constantly wonder what was going to set me off next. Think of how the kids must’ve dreaded coming to me with a mistake or an accident. I had forgotten that I am the one who sets the tone in our home.

Mamas, you have been granted a special gift in the life of your family: you are the tone setter. It doesn’t matter if you have fancy decor or an immaculately clean house. It doesn’t matter if you work long hours or stay home all day long. When you are with your family, you guide the atmosphere. Your children are looking to you to provide them with a soft place to land after a wearying day in this big world. They are counting on you to greet them with smiles, to be able to deal with the stresses of your day without taking them out on your family. They are depending on your kindness, your unconditional love, your understanding, your courtesy. These are things that make it possible for your kids to walk through the door of your home and breathe a sigh of relief–because this is home, and being there with their mom is pleasant.

I am in no way saying that we shouldn’t discipline when we should, that we shouldn’t carry through with punishments and consequences as necessary. Children crave rules and structure–it’s one way that they know we love them enough to hold them accountable and teach them how to be responsible human beings. But, if we aren’t careful, dear sisters, we will let the overwhelming nature of running a family turn us into mothers and wives who are hard to tolerate. We can easily become prickly, rude, sarcastic, biting. We can be downright cold to the very people we love the most, and sometimes we can become that way without even realizing it.

And now I must speak a hard truth to all of us. The tone that we set in our homes is a direct reflection of our spiritual health. When we lash out at others, when we find that we are in short supply of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, when we can’t seem to speak a kind or positive word, when we are quick to criticize and slow to praise, then it is more than just a phase of high irritability. Chances are good that we have begun to try to live in our own strength instead of relying on Christ, that we have stopped studying His word with regularity, that our prayer life has gone stale and spotty. It’s quite a spiritual lesson for our children, when we show them that Christianity doesn’t make any difference at all in our ability to handle the cares of life, in our ability to shower love and mercy and grace on our families, in our ability to just smile at the little people that God entrusted to us.

It’s tough being a mama.

But it’s easier when we turn to Christ and ask Him to set the tone in our hearts. The Bible tells us that our mouths speak what our hearts are full of. (Luke 6:45) So, if we are responding to our family in unreasonably irritated ways, then we have a heart problem. We have to run to Jesus and let Him change the way we speak and the way we react. We have to ask Him to make us grateful, to make us joyful, and to give us a home that is welcoming to our very favorite people–our family.

What kind of tone are you setting, dear mother? Does it point your children to the abundant life that Christ offers? Or does it send the message that Christ can’t overcome a mother’s trials? Not every day will be a stellar tone-setting day, but after my wake up call from little Sawyer, I realized that what my family really needs from me on most days is just kindness. We can at least offer our dear ones the kind of courtesy that we show to acquaintances and friends. And we can never forget that our home is the place where our children get their first ideas about what God is like. Let’s show them His ways instead of our irritation, reaching for joy and peace with an open heart, an open Bible, and open arms.

Mama, Don’t You See? You are the Sun.

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I watched her today as she power walked beside her daddy, pumping her legs as fast as they would go just to keep up with his wide, manly stride. Emerald is growing long and lanky in her fifth year of life. Suddenly she seems more girlish than baby-ish, but still she takes three steps for every one of Chad’s.

We went to Six Flags, and I stood aside this time and watched as she rode the swings with her big sister. Around and around they went, one girl growing into a woman, and one baby growing into a girl, both of them swinging their legs as if they didn’t have a single care in this big, broken, beautiful world. Every time their swing came back around to where I was standing, Emerald reached out her little hand and waved. She didn’t just wave at me once or twice. Every single time I was in sight again, she searched for me and waved enthusiastically.

Motherhood is a long road with so many starts and stops, so many thrills and triumphs and heartaches and frustrations. It will wear you down and wear you out and it will wear you like last year’s too small swimsuit. Motherhood bears all and knows all and tells all.

But, please little mamas, don’t ever take for granted that small window in your long life when you are the sun of your child’s universe. Don’t let the weariness cause you to miss how she lights up when she sees your face. Don’t let the weight of it keep you from recognizing the relief that he feels when you turn the corner and there you are–the center of everything.

I am in no hurry to see this phase go. It is glorious and pain-staking and life-giving to be loved and cherished and adored by a child. Don’t miss it.

Praying Through the Bible for Your Kids

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Update: The winner of the giveaway is Kate! If you didn’t win but would still like to get the book, just follow the links in this post! Thanks to all who entered!

I often have people ask me what my strategies are for getting in Bible study time while I have three kids. The truth is, Bible reading and prayer time have been two of my biggest struggles as a Christian parent. Since I had kids, I have felt like my study time is short and somewhat distracted or, in some phases of motherhood, non-existent.

So, I wanted to share a resource with you that helps make Bible reading and prayer do-able for a busy mama. It’s called Praying Through the Bible for Your Kids by Nancy Guthrie. I honestly don’t even remember how I ran across this book or what made me order it, but here are a few things that I love about it.

First, it doubles as a plan for reading through the Bible in one year. Each day of your devotional has a suggested reading passage from the Old Testament, one from the New Testament, and a reading from Psalms and Proverbs. I grabbed a small Bible that I had on my shelf and am underlining each section as I read it. I’m a visual person, and so seeing what I’ve read so far is a good motivator for me. Plus, it helps me focus a little bit more on what I’m reading if I underline at the same time.

The book has a devotional thought for each day of the year that is related to Christianity and parenting. I like these because they are linked to one of the passages I have just read, and they aren’t fluffy or touchy-feely. They are straightforward calls to holiness and a genuine Christian life, and they help me to remember that what I say and do and who I am matters to these little people that I love.

At the end of each day, there is a short written prayer to use as a guide in praying for our kids. I don’t usually like “canned” prayers, but I appreciate these a lot because they help me pray for my kids in more creative ways, especially in specific areas of spiritual growth. I sometimes feel like I end up reciting the same prayers over and over again, but with this book I’m inspired to pray in ways that I hadn’t really thought of before.

Finally, I like this book because if you are having a crazy hectic day and you can’t do all of the suggested Bible reading, you can still spend a couple of minutes in the word and praying for your kids. A short time of study is better than none at all, and I find that even just a few minutes in God’s word makes me want more. This book helps you develop the habit of Bible reading and gives you a specific plan to help you as you go.

If you are a mother who struggles to know how to organize your Bible reading or how to find time to pray for your kids, this book will help you immensely. In fact, I love it so much that I’m going to give a copy to one of my readers! Just leave a comment. Any comment will do! For an extra five entries, go to my Facebook page and share this post with your friends! The giveaway will end on Monday, September 4th.

If you don’t want to wait for the giveaway, order a copy here. This book would also make a fabulous gift for all the moms in your life! Good luck and check back next week to see if you won!

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