We moms are always talking about “Me Time.” We seem to spend a lot of brain power thinking about it and how to get it. I even recently saw a red carpet reporter whose sole assignment was to ask celebrity moms how they get the all-important Me Time. And, each celebrity had different answers. Pedicures and coffee were favorites. Lunches and going to the gym were mentioned. Basically any activity that doesn’t involve the children can qualify, although if doesn’t involve the children OR the husband, then it is really considered a treat.
And I know why we say this. It’s because being a mom is tiring. And draining. And some days it’s not all that fun or even interesting. Being a mom requires lots of hard work, lots of putting others first, and lots of doing things that you don’t necessarily feel like doing. So, when we have been doing this for a while, when we can’t even go potty by ourselves, we start to crave time to just be alone or to be with friends, minus our kid crew.
Hear me when I say that there is nothing wrong with this. It is okay to go and do things without our kids or our husbands. It’s okay to want to.
But, there is real danger in the Me Time mentality. I mean actual, harm-your-family danger. Because if we aren’t careful our desire for Me Time can cause us to resent our children and our husband, as if they are keeping us from exploring something about ourselves that we can’t while we are mama and Mrs. We can easily come to a point where we are self-centered and self-serving, thinking only of what we need and want. Where do you think the popular divorce mantra “I deserve to be happy” originated? I’ll just bet you it all started with placing overblown importance on Me Time.
The truth is that Me Time is an abstract concept that means not a whole lot of anything. It’s a myth, really, just something we like to say to make ourselves feel, for a moment, that there is more to us than mommy-ing and wife-ing. We use the term as if it means that it is possible to have time that is just ours and no one else’s. As if we can really step away from mothering and separate ourselves from it. The reality is that once you become a mother, the rest of your life is an exercise in willing yourself to focus on whatever is at hand, while some part of your heart and mind is still feeling around in the dark for your children, how they are, what they’re doing, or what they need.
So, we can continue to talk about and seek out Me Time, and we can grab lunch with friends or get a pedicure or go to Starbucks and read a book without pictures for a change. I think all of that is fine and probably advisable, because when we do those things we feel refreshed and energized for the tasks of mothering. But, Me Time isn’t the glorious missing piece in our lives. Life actually isn’t all about us, as some would have us believe. Our time belongs to God, to our children and our husband, AND to us. There is no such thing as Me Time. Maybe we should just call it Time When I’m Not Physically in the Same Room With My Children.
What? It could catch on.
By all means, today you should take a few moments for breathing deeply, drinking a Dr. Pepper on the back porch, or even going to get your nails done. But, if you are in the midst of raising kids right now, your Me Time is here and now, in the moment, sharing space with your people. These are the days you’ll look back on with joy. Don’t wish them away by dreaming of some mythical idea of important time spent by yourself.
Me Time isn’t an essential of living. And, someday, when we’re older and we don’t have children hugging our knees or pre-teens asking for rides to the mall or teenagers trying our patience, we will have lots and lots and lots of Me Time.
And we’ll long for the days when we couldn’t go to the bathroom alone.
That’s the upside down and backwards world of motherhood. Welcome. I think you’re going to like it here.
Great post! I totally agree.
Thanks, cozyrosysweet!
I really enjoyed this post, thank you for writing. As a mom of 3 busy young kids, there is rarely time for that coveted “me time.”, but I love the perspective you give, and although I do make sure I find time to recharge when I am feeling overly rundown and tired, or make sure I get out and enjoy some things without my babes or hubby, i definitely try to cherish every moment good and bad I have with my little ones because I know it’s fleeting.
take care,
Thanks for reading! I love what you said about cherishing the time with your kids. So important!
I read your article with interest since I am currently a Stay Home Parent to four young sons. I think the key to the success of “me time” is finding the perfect balance between investing in your children, partner, in family life and all those often menial and draining chores that glue all of that together into a messy, chaotic, happy bundle. I personally do not eke out much “me time” in any given week. Perhaps an hour maximum in which to indulge in one of my solo hobbies, an hour in which to do something creative. I learned early on in my becoming a mother that I needed to invest in myself in order to maintain my sense of self and my identify as more than just wife and mother. In doing so, I can then recharge my emotional batteries and be a much better partner, mother and person than I am otherwise. I know because in the stretch of months in which I had zero “me time” I really found myself flagging. Each family dynamic probably has its own tipping point for the balance. I don’t require much time but perhaps other parents require a bit more time but I do feel that we all benefit from my “me time”, not just me.
Thanks for your comment. I agree that me time is necessary in small doses, just as you describe. My concern is more about becoming obsessed with it, where it interferes with your ability to care for your family and be fully available to them.
Oh I completely agree. It’s about prioritizing and then managing your time appropriately. My rations of “me time”, for instance, are never carved out of time that could be spent with or on any of my loved ones. When I carve that time out it comes from time saved on chores. It’s not hard to convince me that time spent carving a Lino block is more fun than dusting again. But I absolutely know some parents who schedule so much time for themselves that they sacrifice family time. Balance and moderation in all things,
Nicely said. I do think it’s a definite necessity and you’re not a crazed narcissist for wanting it. You definitely need to recharge your battery otherwise you can’t be good to anyone. However if you feel the need to be recharging 23 out of the 24 hours a day then you might reconsider the whole “me time” debate. Yeah…it’s not a myth. It’s a necessity. And yes! Each family dynamic is different therefore everyone’s me time varies, but they do need me time … especially mothers of four! Power to you sister! 🙂
Interesting and Im sure my answer will get me vilified but I am single and have no kids and intend never to have any kids because I need all the me time I can get to be able to enjoy my life. The thought of subsuming myself completely solely for the purpose of bringing up children and releasing them into the wild…….honestly I would need medication or even more!
Does this make me selfish? Quite probably but I need to do whats right for me and my mental health and NOT having kids is my choice.
I love me time, its when I get to actually be me 🙂
Lensaddiction, some people aren’t meant to be parents. There’s nothing villainous about that. Enjoy your me time!
I agree with what you say and with the comment of directedpath (Brad). I am mom to a 10 month old and a 4 year old and just want to share that mom’s (all parents for that matter) do need to take care of themselves (as well as their families). If we don’t take care of our bodies, minds and spirits we run the danger of burning out, leaving our kids and dear husbands without our care. I have been guilty of this. I am able to be a better mom and wife if I spend some time in solitude for a few minutes a day. Taking this time is hard for me and it is something I am making a conscious effort to now do.
Conversely, I appreciate and am grateful for the reminder (if i understand you correctly) that we should also gather our strength and energy from the special moments and time we spend with our families.
i have a 19 year old boy, a 10 year old boy, a 4 year old boy, and a 2 year old boy, and i am definitely not obsessed with me time, which is good because i never get any. the only time i have me time is once my little ones go to sleep and then it has to be very quiet me time. but for the most part i am fine with that, however it would be nice to use the potty by myself, or shower without little heads peaking under the shower curtain.
I couldn’t agree more. It’s like you are in my brain. haha! “Me time” can most definitely turn into an entitlement. Not a good thing. Good read!
My mom taught me that becoming a mother is one of the most unselfish things you can do. Your time and attention (focus) will never again be solely on yourself. Me- Time does become harmful when we resent the children we chose to create with the person we vowed to spend the rest of our lives with. Of course we all need time to ourselves, and that can change during our lives- a sacred shower uninterrupted, an evening where someone else cooks dinner or, imagine, with children grown and out of the house…no one calling us to “find” something! Each of us has to figure out how to balance our commitments and priorities with our wants for some quiet time.
Being a parent is the hardest job. To a large extent the “me time” is a sacrifice you make when you decide to have kids. Raising a happy child doesn’t just happen. It’s worth it!
HI there, great post. Was a little conflicted when I began reading because I truly (dare I admit) enjoy my time away from my kiddos. However I see in your responses to others that you’re not dissing time to yourself as much as you are promoting the idea of enjoying the time we mothers do have with our kids. This is the more important issue. Our relationships with our children improve when we take time to enjoy the people they are and are becoming. Totally agree this is so important!
I totally agree with your post. Especially the part about missing the times I couldn’t go to the bathroom alone. As I have gotten older I realize how much I missed and how much regret there is in my life at having missed seeing my children grow up. I had to work like so many parents. I wish I could have stayed home. I didn’t believe that in my 20’s. I saw motherhood as a burden to women. Women were and still are expected to bear children, raise them, keep the house, be a lover and go to work. I felt the inadequacies of not being able to keep up and being stretched thin. I didn’t see the wonders of my children because i was so “stretched”. All in all I think a woman needs the “me” time to remember who she is as an individual so she doesn’t resent her children and her role as wife and mother. As has been mentioned it is a matter of balance.
I appreciate your post. Funny enough I’m “enjoying” some “me” time right now (almost-2yr old FINALLY sleeping). I promptly googled “I never get any “me” time” to see if there were others who felt as irritated, angry, drained…guilty, as me. And lo! There are! Along with the “it’s not about you anymore” crowd.. I will admit reading the article just irritated me more with its God n country tone.. but she’s write.. and so is the mommy who just wants a break from the grind. I appreciate all these perspectives.. they help me keep mine.. so I cherish these precious moments of me being just with me in between being my precious jewel’s mommy. Thank you all..
Great post! As a full time mom myself, I can totally agree. I think it’s important to learn how to find balance in life, take time to take care of ourselves because when we work, the whole family works, but I’m also learning as I watch my kids grow so fast not to take the little moments for granted.
Reblogged this on gdhayesblog and commented:
In my opinion this is a great blog full of words of wisdom– hence my sharing it on my blog 🙂
Wow!!! I never looked at it that way! Being a stay at home mom I would say I needed these mommy breaks, I get it i totally get it! Thank you for your words.
A wonderful story!! My deepest condolences for your loss!
I love this. I’m a homeschooling mom. When I express this to non homeschooling patents, I’m met with comments like “I couldn’t ever teach my kids, they don’t respect me”or “I could never spend that much time with my kids.” More often than not, I hear (at the end of aong period of snow days, school breaks, what have you, “I can’t wait for my kids to be back in school, they are driving me crazy!” Once the grocery store clerk said that to me comisseratingly IN FRONT OF MY KIDS. I responded with , “well, I homescool, so no.” She gave me the most aghast look as if such horror was unfathomable. As we went outside, I told my kids (then 9 and 14), “don’t worry, I never wish I could get rid of you.” They gave me these beautiful smiles and said,”Oh, we know Mom. They hugged me and my eldest said, “I feel sorry for her kids.” This is not to say we don’t go on date nights, or I spend every second of the day with them- they have lots of outside stuff to do. But, it’s the attitude that matters. They will only be with me at home for a fraction of they’re lives- I don’t want to miss being a part of that.
Reblogged this on Belles Of Distinction.
Your piece is delightful and enlightening. Thank you! I think some people are ‘made’ to be a mother and some just resent it. Motherhood is something to be enjoyed especially at the child’s early age when you are the world to your child because at the teenage stage, to be in the same room physically will seem like wishful thinking.
They couldn’t wait to get away sooner.
I am no mom, but I do take lots of those “me time” it brings peace, i get to do the things i enjoy by myself, and reflection seems also part of it.
great post 🙂
Reblogged this on The Griffin Adventure and commented:
“Me Time”
It takes a real live mommy to describe it so exquisitely. Beautiful
Reblogged this on dayspringacres and commented:
This writer talks about how a good thing used to excess can become a bad thing. I thought it was worth re-posting
Reblogged this on Chaos and I and commented:
A good view on personal time
Funny post, men have beer night so it’s easy for us to get “me time”
ha. ha. <-mom
I really enjoyed this. As a teacher, wife and mom of three, I recently found myself getting caught up in “me time madness! ” Thank you for the words of wisdom.
I love how you presented this, however I do think that “me” time is important for both men and women. I personally have never taken that time, and told my therapist last week that I have always seen “Me” time as selfish. My therapist made an important point, in order to be selfless, we need to first be selfish. If all we do is give selflessly, we keep nothing of ourselves to give to others later. Please keep sharing your ideas, I have thoroughly enjoyed your view and look forward to reading more.
Well said!
Reblogged this on isbischools and commented:
interesting post!
Reblogged this on The Point.
I had four children under six (two are adults now, the other two close) and I will say that “me time” was essential, and I hope that young mothers reading this don’t feel guilty about taking some. It is draining work to be alone and caretaking constantly. Rather than head into a depressive state, I think it’s better for mothers to get a break. I was fortunate in that my husband would take them to the park when he got home from work, and I could make dinner in peace. I’m also an introvert, so I needed that time to restore — where my husband is an extrovert and lives to have chaos around him. I just want young mothers to know if they need a break, they need to take it before they lose it altogether. Be honest with yourselves. It’s a hard time while also the most rewarding job in the world. I understand you’re saying to do this with balance, but I also don’t want young moms to feel guilty if they do need the break. Listen to your body! God gave us these signals for a reason.
I have two problems with the whole “me time”discusion. the first is: if men come home after being away for 9 to 10 hours, shove down their meal and leave to go to football, soccer, friends etc, and only come home when the kids are asleep. This is oke, because he needs to relax, he had to work hard! And if a woman goes to do something alone it is considered me time, and you shouldnot have to much of it, because it harms your family. The bible clearly states that Dad’s have a strong responsibility in the upbringing of the children, and they cannot do that, if they are never at home whe they are awake. Stil in most cases, people see this as oke..
Now the next thing i have a proble with is women saying they have no me time. This is either a lie, a to high held expetation of me time or a lack of planning. For me, me time starts as soon as the litle ones are in bed. that is 19:30 at the latest. The rest of the evening is mine (and my husbands if he is at home) What do i do with me time?
I clean out my china kabinet, because i cannot do that if my 2 year old is around and wants to go “play house” with it. Or i knit a sweater for my little ones, or for me, or i read a book…. sometimes i just sit behind the laptop and read good blogs. Yes ladies reading a blog is me time!!
And you donot need to be away from the kids for me time. Going to the market with my little big girl is an outing for me and her! Getting baking supplies with my 4 year old boy is an outing for both of us, since he loves to bake. A picknick in the wood with the whole family? Me time!
So i donot get this discusion… The only thing i am limited in with my kids is sewing… I cannot do it when the kids are asleep, because my girl is a light sleeper. I cannot do it when my 2 year old is around because he finds the sewing machine too interesting. But hey, there are so many other fun things to do: like having a cup of tea with 3 very lively and lovely young beings
I was raised by a mother who spent all of her time talking about ‘me time’. She would constantly say, “Just a little treat for myself.” and do or buy ‘fill in the blank.’ The phrase became meaningless because it was said almost everyday. I recall many situations like the time she spurned away my baby sister (who wanted my mother to read her a book) so that she could do her nails and have a glass of wine. Interestingly enough she would boast to other people about raising five children. We were there, but she certainly didn’t spend much time raising us.
Now that I am a new mother I worry about doing this evil thing to my own children, replacing them with self-satisfaction in one form or another. For a long time I have rolled my eyes every time I hear about this ‘me time’ and wondered if anyone else out there had eyes to see this nebulous catch-all for what it really is. Thank you so much for writing this. It’s always good to see some sense out there in the world.
Awesome post!
Ha! This is bull from start to finish!!
me time was an excuse for my wife to have an affair. It nearly destroyed our family life.Me time lead to neglecting our children and our marriage. But amazingly it never interfered with work or church or volunteerism. Beware the me time myth/lie
I’m sorry, but this is completely obnoxious. Whether you call it “me time”, or “time I’m not physically in the same room as my children “, it’s all the same thing, and it’s necessary. It doesn’t matter what you call it. I would argue that NOT taking some ” me time ” is much more likely to cause moms to be resentful. And I’m pretty sure that every mom who takes some time for herself is fully aware that she is still a mom with an important job to do. Just because we can’t undo motherhood for a day here and there doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t give ourselves a day off once in a while to recharge. You acknowledge that it is okay to go and do things without your kids, but then go on to warn of the “real danger… actual, harm-your-family danger” of desiring too much “me time”. I’m sorry, but this is really a stretch. “Harm-your-family danger ” is leaving your children unsupervised around harsh cleaning chemicals, or in the bathtub by themselves. THAT is danger. Desiring alone time is a normal part of being a parent. And wanting some occasional “me time” is in no way implying that moms are wishing these days away, or that time spent by yourself is a “mythical idea”. And it is important to take time for yourself. We are moms, yes. And we are also wives, and daughters and friends, and sisters…We are people, we become overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, and tired just like everyone else, and we need a break sometimes. Call it whatever you want, but it’s just a break. And wanting/needing a break is what makes us different from robots. “Me time” may not be an “essential of living” as you put it. But neither is taking photos of our kids, taking day trips to the zoo, or drinking coffee, or most other things we do each day. The fact that some day or kids will be grown and we will have all the “me time” in the world doesn’t mean that we don’t need a break sometimes, even from the jthene love to do… So if it were just called “time I’m not physically in the same room as my children”, then you would have not felt it necessary to write this? Because it sounds as though you basically are just against the term ” me time “.
I needed to read this today. Thank you. I do need me time, there’s no question, but I agree that it can consume your life where you forget how important ‘other time’ is too. Having lost a child, my grief now dictates why I need me time, just to zone out from the stress, but I also get bogged down by the demands and can’t see the love through them sometimes. I wrote a post on the back of yours as it got me thinking.
Good, sound advice Melissa!
I have seven children, (all grown now) and it wasn’t until I finally quit focusing on when I was going to get “me-time” that I was able to be a joyful mother.
I remember the moment: the kids were all in bed, my husband was working and I finally sat down to read. I opened the Bible to Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” From that moment on I stopped looking for a break. And surprisingly, the “me-time” popped up when I least expected it…it was a bonus- a gift from the Lord.
Now our children are raising their own kids and my husband and I have plenty of time to relax. (When the 13 grandchildren are not visiting!)
Thank you, because when I need a break, I get a cold cup of water open my Bible and read or drive to the river and just sit and talk with God
I thank you, I am the husband of a lovely wife but didn’t understand when she started talking me time. I started seeking a divorce because I didn’t think she loved me anymore because all she wants to do is spend time with her daughter or sister.
I thank God for all your post and help, I was a single father of three after my wife of 30 years walked out on me and my boys for me time. I have remarried to my lovely wife of two years and it destroyed me when she said she needed some me time, but after I read all of your posts I began to understand. So I began to take me time.
But then she began to accuse me, but all I did is what she was doing taking some me time when the kids are over my ex.
Thanks to you all I enjoy my me time sitting at the fish creek talking to God and letting my new wife have her me time.
Thanks all for all your posts.
I love the post, my 4 girls are all young adults now, in and out of college now. Sometimes I still hear their footsteps running up and down the stairs. I also miss the laugh out loud laughs they have. So I know what you’re saying is right! Great read!
Fan. Freaking. Tastic. It feels so good to finally find someone who I agree with about this.