Having babies is quite a journey.
Ours started way back in 2004 when I finally saw that little plus sign on the pregnancy test. So many tests, so many hopeful moments, and finally, our dream was coming true. We would become parents. Chad was just days away from beginning finals during his last year of law school, so I drove to Target and bought a little pink bib that said “I love my daddy.” I remember my excitement was about to bubble over, walking around that Lubbock Target, holding my secret inside me, my secret living being like a tiny time bomb just waiting to explode into our lives.
I wrapped up the bib and gave it to him as motivation to power through his finals. He was so excited he picked me up in a bear hug and we giggled while we stared at those tiny pink lines that mattered so much.
Life went on. We moved. I grew huge. Adelade fought her way into this world on January 2nd, and she looked it. We recovered. Life was hard and wonderful and more fun than ever.
A few years later we started hoping for another baby. I got pregnant right away. We took the test while staying with Chad’s parents one weekend. We were so excited to be able to tell them in person–I think we even videotaped it so we could capture his mom’s happy tears. But, weeks later problems surfaced. We lost the baby. Reading those little pink lines was never really fun after that, just scary and nerve-wracking and tiring. Every pregnancy afterward started with sighs, hopeful little smiles exchanged, and months of waiting before telling anyone anything.
That’s how my third pregnancy began. Complications set in and we were fairly certain another miscarriage was beginning. We went for an early ultrasound, and there was Sawyer, a little peanut of a person, heart flickering brightly on the black screen that just months earlier had confirmed that our second child was gone. His little flashing pulse was like a beacon of hope for me.
A thousand prayers went up.
Sawyer showed up in January, easy-going from the start, his personality like a billboard that said, “Why worry?” It was hard for us to even remember the panic we felt in the beginning when he seemed so fragile.
Years passed. Two more miscarriages. The first was an agonizing, months-long process of ultrasounds, hope, hope lost, and hope renewed. We prayed, cried, and it was finally all over twelve weeks in. The second was early, and not even surprising. We had become so accustomed to the fear, it almost seemed better to expect the worst. The ultrasound tech’s demeanor at each appointment was slumped, uncomfortable. She would ask us again, “Now, HOW far along do you think you are?” No heartbeat. Life come and gone so quickly, we didn’t even get a chance to witness it.
Finally, I became pregnant for the sixth time. We waited in agony for the eight week ultrasound that would show us whether the baby had a heartbeat. As soon as I saw that beautiful flicker, I knew she would be okay. Emerald entered our world in May, our little miracle baby that I thought might never be. Three children. Six children. I feel blessed to have experienced all of them.
I learned so much about God during the agonizing times. Ever-present. Life-giving. Faithful. Sovereign. Patient.
And I learned that I really can say of a God so good and so caring that when He chooses to give me what I feel I can’t live without and when He chooses to take what I desperately prayed to keep, I can trust Him.
I have no doubt at all that one day when I leave this world, three children I never met will be waiting to greet me, their only mama, and I can’t wait to see if at least one of them has red hair. 🙂
He gives and takes away. I choose to bless His name.
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for reading it, Candidkerry! 🙂
I have never experienced a miscarriage and I can only imagine that pain. We did suffer unimaginable pain from the death of our only son on 1/26/13…when he was 25 years young. He blessed our lives beyond measure and all those who met him. He loved Jesus most of all and a beautiful reunion awaits! My heart is my kids and I feel for you when I read your blog. This message meant so much to me. Thank you for sharing. I always gain from reading your posts!
Ashlyn, I can’t imagine your pain either. Thank you so much for your kind comment!
Dear Melissa,
Your words seem to always hit the target with me.
Thank you for spreading your gift to all of us.
Thank you so much for this encouragement, Robert!
Melissa, I’m off of Facebook, but I’ve still been following your blog. It’s something only God can do to bring us from a place of grief and not understanding…to being able to say God you ares still good. Love you!
I’ve missed you on Facebook, McKenzie! Thanks so much for your comment. I love you!
Thanks for sharing! Wow, the things we all have been through and we don’t even know! Wish we had time to catch up! Love you girl!
Me, too, Courtney! Love you!
This is so encouraging to me, as I recently had my first miscarriage (we have one son). I long for at least 3 children and have had to realize that the Lord may not grant that desire – we don’t know. I experienced, too, the blessings of His character and closeness going through it afterward. Thanks so much for sharing.
Jennifer, I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It’s a rotten club to belong to, but thankfully God works in us through this circumstance. Thanks so much for your comment!
I am 39 and I just got remarried two years ago. We really wanted 1 child to bring us all together (he has 3 and I have 2). I got pregnant right away, a few months after the wedding. I expected everything to be totally uncomplicated. I was wrong. I miscarried. We were crushed, but it strengthened our marriage. I am pregnant now and I will give birth a few days short of my 40th, G-D WILLING! (I am 36 wks)
Thank you for sharing your experience.
My husband and I just had our first baby. She was our fifth pregnancy.
I thought i had come to terms with my miscarriages until she arrived. Her name is Abigail. Seeing her , smelling her, hearing her laugh……..made all the more real the realness of the losses we had experienced. But, yes, God is good; so very good. And i too look forward to seeing my babies when i get to heaven. For now, I rest comfortably knowing they are in the best possible hands: Jesus’.
I don’t think I knew about this Melissa 🙁
I am of course terribly sorry for your pain. At the same time though, your godly handling of it and growth through it, are a great encouragement. Even to a man,
Well, my son actually sent me a link to your blog. Although I’ve never experience this pain for myself I have experenced it through children, extended family, and many friends. Thankful for the hope we have in Jesus and the testimony of so many through this trial. You might enjoy this video by a friend who lost her first two. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BF-jyPBQGWM&t=974s Thanks for sharing.
i just read this. My son and daughter had a miscarriage yesterday, still so raw and real, thanks for your post. Our hope is in Jesus!
Thank you for being open about pregnancies, births and losses! I have two healthy girls and then three babies waiting to meet me in Heaven. I would so love to have a third healthy baby and I’m terrified of trying again only to lose. It was encouraging to read that you did have a healthy baby after all the losses. Thank you again! Your words are speaking to my heart this evening! And you are most definitely right in saying it is a choice to bless His name! And He is faithful through all of life!