You may have read that Teen Vogue published an article this week for its audience of girls, ages 12-18, which is a how-to guide for anal sex. In fact, the creators of this magazine are writing instructive articles for all kinds of sexual acts. They want young girls to believe that sexual activity (including BDSM) is a natural part of being an older child in this country. It’s hard for those of us who are older to even fathom what kind of influence that this world can be on our kids–we, who read teen magazines for the quizzes about what type of friend we were, articles about how to handle our period. Our twelve year olds open teen magazines and take quizzes about what kind of sexual partner they are and read articles about how to masturbate and how “valid and valuable” porn is.
It’s hard to even believe that on a continent where an estimated 1.5 million children are currently being sold to satisfy detestable, porn-fueled desires that a teen magazine can so flippantly sell sex to kids like it’s candy. But, it’s happening.
As the mother of a twelve year old, I’m distraught and appalled that someone wants to teach her what anal sex is. But, the line in the article that bothered me the most has broader implications, and it’s the real message I want to counteract in my daughter’s heart and mind: “There is no wrong way to experience sexuality, and no one way is better than any other.” The writer says this with all authority and legitimacy. She is writing for a big name magazine, and her article has official looking anatomical drawings. If I have not taught my daughter to recognize sex ed fallacies when she sees them, then how will she discern that what is in this article isn’t true? Even more, if I haven’t taught her to view all things through a biblical lens, how will she know lies from the pit of hell when she sees them?
So, here is what our kids need to know. There are plenty of wrong ways to experience sexuality.
Ask any girl who has had her soul stripped bear by someone she hardly knows. The world tells her that’s fun. Ask any boy who stumbled across pornography on the phone his clueless parents bought him, who now can’t make it through the day without looking at it. The world tells him that’s the way it should be. Ask any college student who’s had so many partners that she isn’t really sure who’s the father of the baby she is about to abort. The world tells her to be proud of it. Ask any thirteen year old who saw an article in Teen Vogue and decided to try anal sex. The world laughs and says everyone tries “butt stuff,” as the Vogue writer so eloquently puts it. And, decision by decision, the kids of America learn again and again: there are plenty of wrong ways to experience sexuality. Ways that hurt them deeply. That cripple them emotionally and spiritually. Ways that will cause problems in their future marriages. Ways that wound the heart of God.
There is a better way. We have to teach our kids the truth here. We can’t avoid these conversations because we feel awkward. We can’t ignore these issues because we’re convinced our kids “would never do that.” We can’t go on pretending that we’re living in the 80s and 90s. Those days are way over, and, parents, the advice that is streaming into your kids’ hearts and minds is wicked and laced with everything that Satan would hope to see happen to your child. Do we really understand how much and how often and how effectively the world is sex educating our kids? There is no more time for being prudish and bashful and childish about sex when it comes to our children. They have to hear the truth from our lips, often, and with conviction. We have to ask questions. We have to be at least as diligent as the strangers at Teen Vogue when it comes to real sex education and teaching our children the very best way to experience sexuality.
We have to teach our kids that one of the greatest gifts of God is the intimacy between a man and a woman who have committed themselves to loving every inch of each other’s heart and soul. We have to teach them that great sex is safe sex, in the arms of the person who has vowed to hold us up when we need it, who has promised that no illness or accident, no outside interest, no schemes of this world will separate us. We have to show them what it looks like to be in love. We have to talk to them over and over and over again about the differences between Teen Vogue‘s versions of sex and God’s great blessing of sex. Most of all, we have to teach them that all this sex talk really isn’t about sex. It’s about obedience to God’s word. It’s about holiness and sanctification and trusting God with their future in all areas, even sex. It may sound cliche. It may make you nervous. It may make your teen roll her eyes. But, whose voice do you really want inside her head when she is faced with a monumental decision about sex: Teen Vogue‘s? Or yours, spouting the truths of God’s word?
I know which one I want ringing in my kids’ ears, so I’ll keep talking. I beg you, parents. Wake up. Protect my kids’ future boyfriends and girlfriends and spouses. Protect the future pastors and engineers and teachers. Show them how to live according to God’s word in the bedroom, on the internet, and everywhere. The Teen Vogues of the world won’t stop. When will you start?
This is a much needed post. A young pastor at our church thought my suggestion to pull Mark Driscoll’s book on marriage from the church library (with its approval of anal sex) was… shall we say, outdated. He had no clue of the ill effects possible.
What negative effects could anal sex have in a marriage? Unexpected pleasure and enjoyment?
Or is it a dastardly sin because the couple might actually have some fun without the much needed element of procreation?
Chad, if you have to ask what negative effects anal sex can have, you obviously have never been on the receiving end, or you are in the early stages of experimentation.
Anal sex can have dangerous and life-long effects. The anus tears, absorbs. It provides a much greater chance of infection and STD. If you REALLY want to know what anal sex can cause, please read this first-hand account:
http://josephsciambra.com/surviving-gaybarely/
The fact of the matter is this… NO TEEN MAGAZINE should EVER post a “how-to” about any kind of sex. And on that, if they ARE going to write it, it should, at the very least, underline the possible negative and dangerous side effects. For goodness sake – a Tylenol bottle has a full pamphlet of possible reactions. To act like anal sex doesn’t is just ignorant.
For this article to say that no one has ever pooped during anal (blatant lie), or that there MIGHT be fecal matter but it’s no big deal because everybody poops (enter: Rota Virus), does a major and dangerous disservice to curious and experimental teens. It is irresponsible and atrocious. Many, many women agree to anal sex, and end up feeling disgusting, unnatural, and degraded. Not because anyone told them to feel that way, but because the act itself is an assault on natural body function and natural sex.
Christianity doesn’t teach against fun sex. It teaches about safe sex. And anal, especially anal instruction in the hands of an ignorant 14 year old kid, is anything but safe. <3 Peace.
– – – And, while I understand you are commenting specifically on anal within marriage, you cannot know all. So many wives have been affected by their husbands desire to put it in the butt. While it might seem like not that big of a deal, it can turn into something degrading and hurtful, both physically and emotionally. Talk to wives who have experienced it, though very few will admit it because they regret it.
Jai, that article still doesn’t really answer my question in the slightest. It paints a bleak picture of what complete abandon to hedonism and unsafe sex leads to. It in no ways shows the dangers of safe, consensual, anal sex within a healthy marriage. Most of the dangers that Joseph describes are also possibilities for hedonistic heterosexual individuals as well.
The issues that you mention concerning anal sex can also be attributed to traditional intercourse. Plenty of married women (and men) feel degraded and hurt, both physically and emotionally, from traditional intercourse. That’s of course not okay. Any type of sexual behavior that leads to shame, emotional or physical damage, or emotional distancing should not be carried out in a loving relationship. BUT I don’t think anal is some taboo that requires all of these bad things to happen. I think it would be a pretty fair assumption that more wives have been hurt by their selfish husband’s desire to put it in their vagina than their butt. Any desire that is selfish and not mutual is going to be pretty hurtful in a sexual relationship.
I wasn’t arguing that 14 year old kids should be taught about anal sex, I didn’t question the initial article. I was specifically asking why Sc59 believes that a book that allows for anal sex within a Christian marriage should be removed from their church library.
Sure, anal sex requires more attention and care for it to be practiced safely. It’s not something you can practice on a daily basis (obviously the body is designed to handle that), but as an occasional practice (and plenty of lube) it can be fun within some marriages. I know several couples where the wife actually enjoys anal sex more than her husband does. None of these couple practice it on a daily basis, but on occasion it can be enjoyable and completely healthy for their marriage.
And lastly, actual medical research and facts are more convincing than first hand accounts. While I don’t doubt Joseph’s experience, anecdotal evidence isn’t the best thing to support an argument such as “all anal sex is bad”.
Ill effects include urinary tract infections by the “giver” since the anus is a rectal cavity and was designed as a pathway for fecal (poop) elimination. Fecal matter in the urinary tract will travel to the the bladder, kidneys and blood stream. I have had patients with sepsis, due to the bacteria that entered the blood stream secondary to anal sex. Additional problems are that people cannot be looking at each other in the eyes or at all, when it’s ‘stacked’ like that and therefore that is not good for marriage due to the pleasure only situation. The rectum is highly vascular and any infection (virus/bacteria) that that travels from the penis (internal or external) will directly deposit those bugs into the bloodstream. The tearing of rectal area and inflammation of the colon is highly likely, and stool during “sex” is common. These are NOT healthy things, and I merely scratches the surface.
Jennifer, UTI’s should only occur from malpractice of anal sex, which is why I think more information on this would be useful. Yes it’s easier to transmit STI’s and STD’s when having anal, but we’re discussing marriages right now so that shouldn’t be an issue (and if it is, there’s always condoms).
It’s a negative if you can’t look the person in the eyes? So missionary and cowgirl are the only acceptable forms of married sex? Do blind people never experience connected or fulfilling married sex?
I, like your young pastor, am also unaware of the “ill effects possible” when practicing anal sex in a marriage. Can you please elaborate?
Don’t take it from me. Read first-hand accounts. Also read the comment section of the article, where commenter after commenter says that he, too, is broken.
http://josephsciambra.com/surviving-gaybarely/
Chad,
You write “Any desire that is selfish and not mutual is going to be pretty hurtful in a sexual relationship.” Let’s test that statement with a hypothetical:
if you could take a drug that increased your sexual pleasure but the drug came with one sure caveat that it led to a 34% increase in the incidence of permanent injury or disease to your partner… would you take that drug? What percentage risk of injury to your wife is acceptable in your experience? What percentage risk is “selfish” and “pretty hurtful”? Years ago I faced a similar question regarding hormone therapy for my wife’s missing libido. I decided that my gratification wasn’t worth even a small increase in her risk of cancer.
I had a cousin who died of AIDS back in the ’80s. Before learning of his AIDS he told me–in a circumspect way–that he was getting surgery to repair his loosened anal sphincter. This despite my presumption that he had loads of lube–he was a pretty smart guy!
Yes there are lots of variables we could dicker about: relative sizes, frequencies, etc… those might not be an issue for you Chad, but a Christian it seems to me ought to be concerned about ANY increased possibility of injury or disease, not to mention the influence comments like yours will have on others who don’t have your size and frequency advantages. You say you are “unaware of the ill effects”? Hear it from a gastroenterologist who surely knows something about sphincter anatomy… http://retroflexions.com/the-informed-patient/is-anal-sex-a-good-idea-thoughts-from-a-gastroenterologist/
Even if she likes anal sex, don’t you owe her a duty of care? I hope that you are prepared for the possibility of an inconvenient incontinence. Should that happen, even years from now… I hope you are the kind of man who will still find her as sexy, and useful, as she is now. But then again, not to worry–that’s what diapers are for.
P.S. Melissa, my apologies for the pointedness of this response. Nuance is not enough in a discussion like this one.
Sc59, you still seem to be assuming that I’m posing these questions because I selfishly desire anal with my wife. This is untrue. Personally I’m not a fan, I’ve tried it a handful of times in my earlier years and it just left me preferring the vagina. What I have a problem with is treating married adults as if they’re children. What’s wrong with a Christian book saying that there’s nothing inherently wrong with anal sex? It appears that you don’t trust other adult humans to weigh these choices on their own and make a healthy decision for their relationship. You say that nuance is not enough in a conversation like this. I would argue that we need more nuance, education, and training on topics such as anal sex so that Godly couples can make their own nuanced, educated, decisions for what works best for them. We’re not discussing children, we’re discussing married adults.
I’m sorry for your cousins experience, but it still isn’t the best argument because it’s anecdotal. The article you posted was very interesting but it still only puts the increased risk of leaving skid marks, at some later age, for women at only a 2.5%. That percentage may be way too high for some couples, and that’s fine, but for others they may choose to mix things up occasionally anyway and that’s also fine. There have been studies that point to regular sex leading to a higher risk of prostate cancer, would you say that Christian’s should only have sex once a month if they truly love one another?
The example about your wife is very touching and I’m glad that you value her health, but you didn’t talk about her desire. Plenty of couples under go hormone therapy, or other alternatives, because the effected partner desires a higher sex drive and they’re comfortable with the minimal health risk. Wives enjoy sex also and it’s an extremely healthy aspect of married life. You, and hopefully your wife, chose to not go down that route, and that’s 100% ok but it would also be ok for a different couple to pursue hormone therapy. These are extremely nuanced issues and vary from individual to individual.
Here are a few articles if you want to read more about the medical risks associated with anal. They each take a slightly different perspective but they’re all quite nuanced and fair on the issues. I believe info like this would be better to provide for couples, instead of saying that the church should remove books that do not condemn it.
http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/qa-is-anal-sex-safe-or-will-i-end-up-in-adult-diapers
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/sexual-health/a2266/anal-sex/
https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/xdw4q4/does-anal-sex-do-longterm-damage
Thank you for this. I am sickened by what I read, but it’s inspiring me to think about starting a group in my community to raise and discuss awareness of these disgusting new tactics to prey upon our kids.
Much needed article. I am concerned about young parents lack of concern/discernment in regards to their children’s choices of reading material in the first place!
Thanks for sharing! It’s heartbreaking that our teens are being so misled in this area.