The woman wrote it on a marriage forum, hoping for some wise advice about the situation in her marriage. She accidentally discovered that her husband had been searching on Facebook for old girlfriends and had re-connected with several old flames through private messaging. Since that time, she checked his phone while he was in the shower and learned that he regularly privately communicates with several women. She asked if any of these things would be considered “red flags,” and if so, what should she do about it.
I skimmed the advice offered to her, expecting to to see plenty of support for a woman whose husband is obviously neck deep in a temptation that is sure to burn everyone involved. But, instead, I saw comment after comment attacking the wife.
The “red flags,” people told her, were her snooping around in her husband’s business. The only problem here, they scoffed, was that she doesn’t trust her husband. Again and again, everyone told this poor woman that SHE is the problem, for looking at what she had no right to see. For not blindly trusting her husband to have innocent conversations with women he used to date.
It’s insanity.
And then, today. The scandal of a man in politics who refuses to eat a meal alone with any woman who isn’t his wife. And, over and over again, articles phrase the whole thing as if his WIFE is the one to blame–as if she doesn’t allow him to eat dinner with other women because she is so very insecure and doesn’t trust the man she married. As if it would be ridiculous to think that a man would actually take steps to protect his marriage unless he was somehow coerced into doing so by his overbearing wife.
The world sees marriage as a basic co-habitation situation. You share a space, you share some laughs, but you still maintain your personal privacy. Any violation of that privacy is considered a weakness in you. You have trust issues. You are insecure. You are accusatory and probably need counseling.
If you don’t trust your spouse, what do you really have, they say. The world screams at us that it is despicable to think for a second that your husband or wife could be capable of having an affair. After all, people who have affairs are horrible, nasty, shady creeps.
But, do we really think that? Because we all know that people who have affairs are teachers. Pastors. Philanthropists. Presidents, kings, and some of the most admired people who have ever walked the planet have fallen victim to the temptation to feel desired by someone they aren’t married to. We KNOW that it can happen to anyone. But, somehow we love to get all indignant about people who are willing to talk about the temptation and ways to avoid it.
Chad and I have affair safeguards in place in our marriage. It isn’t because we don’t trust each other. It’s because we both know that we have a sin problem. We both realize that we aren’t above committing ANY sin, even one that has the potential for destroying our family and our ministry. So, we really, really don’t want that to happen, and we take steps to limit opportunities for it to happen.
We have access to each other’s phones, computers, email, and social media. We are free to sit down at any time and read each other’s text messages. Does it feel weird? Yes. Is it necessary and important? Yes. Personal privacy is not a privilege of marriage in our house. We choose to be open books for the sake of our marriage, our family, and our relationship with Christ.
We avoid being alone with anyone of the opposite sex. We are careful in the ways that we communicate with them. We have accountability software on all of our computers, tablets, and phones so that the internet isn’t a temptation that will hurt our marriage.
We aren’t doing these things because I am convinced Chad isn’t trustworthy or he is convinced I’m not. We do these things because I know that I’m not trustworthy, and he knows he isn’t. We are sinners, and we have to acknowledge our tendency to do wrong so that we can encourage each other to live for Christ in every way, especially in our marriage. One place Christians cannot afford to be indignant and prideful and filled with self-righteous assurance is in our marriages. Too many awesome Christian people have succumbed to temptation for us to pretend like it could never be an issue for us.
So, we give up our privacy and we give up our pride, and in these little ways we give ourselves over to each other. This is what real trust looks like.
***
For further reading on the issue of temptation: It Only Takes a Spark
This was written on exactly an issue I have been dealing with. Thank you.
This world is so pathetic it irritates me! Even when pure junk that doesn’t work or make sense is being pumped out they all nod their heads in agreement just because it’s exercising so called freedom and personal liberty.
Divorce has never been higher and children have never been more depressed and society has never been so morally bankrupt yet a prudent women married to her husband who she is “one flesh” with is deemed evil or selfish or wrong for exercising caution and guarding her marriage against infiltration and harm.
Why don’t people ask why the husband is exploring friendships with ex’s in private messages and not openly? Isn’t it because he knows it’s wrong?! Why hide something legitimate? You don’t! Something shady is hidden and done secretly because it is wrong and sin is never done openly it’s done secretly (isn’t this why crime rates are higher at night)????
Why do we lock our houses and get alarms if not to protect them from burglaries in our caution. Why bother to get breakdown cover for the car why not wait for it to stop and break down then deal with the aftermath on the motorway somewhere? We exercise caution and wisdom in other parts of our lives yet we’re to allow harm into our marriages and family lives?! Why? Isn’t this just double standards and (to be blunt) stupidity? Who picks up the pieces when the affair takes place because the wife didn’t feel it was okay (going by all these opinions) to check her husbands phone or social media to protect him and her family against harm. I’ll tell you who picks up the pieces….. us teachers who have to parent kids who have to live between two divorced parents, two homes, two lives, who’s hatred for each other drives the children to grow up quickly in order to handle their parents. Sorry but I’ve seen the other side of not being cautious to protect from harm wherever possible and the damage is immense. Let’s not make women victims for wanting to protect their marriage!!!!! Or even men if the same is the case the other way round.
Temptation shouldn’t be entertained in any form (it’s not a game it is dangerous) and is basically playing with fire…… and people who play with fire DO get burnt.
I am a single woman who is a secondary school teacher so I’ve seen the other side of affairs.
I meant to say let’s not make women targets for wanting to protect their marriages!!!
I totally agree with your statements Hiriyti.
Openness and trust should always be performed by both parties, not only by wife alone.
Sending msgs from old girlfriends is a sign where the husband lacking self control. Ive seen lots of marriages fall apart its because the husband first initiates the wrong move.
Ephesians 6: 25-27 reminds us always…
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
Put GOD at the center of you Marriage and you’ll never go wrong.
Excellent. Spot on!
Again you are spot on.
Yes yes yes! Another good and biblical response to how crazy this society is getting.
You write a lot about marriage. You’ve titled your blog ‘Your mom has a blog’, I suppose (well obviously) for the future benefit of your children but what if in God’s Sovereignty, He has extended or lifelong singleness for your children? What will you write about singleness for the future benefit of your children should that be God’s will for them…
Amen… thank you for sharing!
An interesting read. Today, more than ever before, it has actually become easier to have an extramarital affair. And an affair need not just be a sexual one or a one-night stand. Emotional bonding with another could also be a form of an extramarital affair. With our busy schedules and access to social media and various online sites, there is an extremely easy avenue to fill any gap you might feel in your marriage. However, the key is to remember that marriage is a commitment and every commitment needs some work. So, start by working on the communication first. Seek professional help if required. But don’t deny, ignore or rationalize any “red flags.”