I recently ran across an article written by a woman who claimed that she would love it if her husband would just go have sex with another woman. She said that it would free them up to be best friends and raise their kids together without the pressure to have sex when she’s not in the mood. Among all of the terribly unwise and disturbing thinking in her article, this overarching theme came through loud and clear: she has little to no understanding of her husband’s feelings when it comes to sex.
I honestly wish that I could shout this from the rooftops to all of the women who think that sex is all their husbands care about: your husband doesn’t just want to have sex–he wants to have sex with you.
Imagine you had been thinking about your husband all day, about what a kind person he is, what a great dad, what a hard worker. Imagine you were just overcome with feelings of love for him, so as soon as he walked into the door after work, you immediately approached him and said, “I am so in love with you. I love you with all of my heart. You are so special to me. Thank you so much for being my husband.” Now imagine that he said, “Don’t start with all that again. I’m tired. I don’t feel like telling you I love you. I just want to go to bed. All you ever want is to hear me say I love you. I mean, what is even wrong with you?”
How loved would you feel in that moment?
But, dear wives and mamas, we do this so often to our husbands. We tell ourselves that it’s SEX he wants, and not US. We say no. Over and over again. And we let insecurities about our bodies and millions of other distractions rob us of the chance to experience marital intimacy.
You have a unique opportunity to express love to your husband in a way that no one else in his life can. Don’t play hard to get. Having sex with your husband is one extremely important way to show him that he has priority in your life. He wants you. He loves your body and your brain and your spirit. He doesn’t want to have mindless, heartless sex with a stranger. He doesn’t just want to have sex with you because you’re a female and you’re there. He wants to have sex with you because you are his and he is yours. If your husband never leaves you alone and is always trying to get you in bed, thank the Lord above, and have fun with it.
It’s you he wants. All of you. It’s just one (essential) way to show your husband how much you love him. And, whatever you do, don’t underestimate the power of sex to help you feel wanted and needed and loved by your husband. Sex is for both of you.
Don’t take it for granted.
Amen
I am the pursuer in our marriage, I’m the one who initiates sex, I’m not sure how I fell in to that role. I wish my husband pursued me, if I leave the initiating up to him, he’d ask maybe once a week. He says yes to me often, I get upset and confused when he says no. I’m hoping that I am in this role because my husband likes to be pursued and that it’s healthy for us.
Interesting. Seems to me if he initiates once a week he’s doing pretty good and if you like sex more frequently you probably have a higher than normal libido.
I know in my marriage, my ultimate goal is to serve my wife in ALL things and do it with a loving heart. I would love to say I do this perfectly, but I fail. So to say this goes to your comments about sex in the relationship. We are to do all things to the Glory of God, this includes sex. So a half hearted effort to get it over and done with (and men can tell when this is happening). Husbands love their wife and DO only want to HAVE SEX WITH THEIR WIFE!!!. ITS TRUE!!! Any Husband who is a believer in Christ is to Love his wife like Christ loves the church. We want to Love you in more ways than sex, but we (men) are designed to primarily want sex as a love language, attraction, and need. Please, wives, if you will do one thing that will surprise your husband and will change your relationship, when you are intimate, Do it to the Glory of God and every now and then, ask him to take a shower with you. That would help too 🙂 Great Post, Great way to encourage wives. Great Job!!
Thank you for saying what so many men want to say but don’t know how or are afraid to.
This is one of the best and most concise, and sadly all too rarely said things I have read in all the books that I have read on biblical counseling and sex within marriage. And that has been quite a few. Most of the time it is all about how sex starts in the kitchen similar trite sayings, and you have to do this and do that in order to earn the right for sex. Or that sex is to be for the glory of God, which is true but frankly not very helpful.
It is not that those other things are not good things which a man should make efforts to do. But after a while if it becomes clear that he must constantly earn the right to sex and affection, he will start to give up trying. Granted there are things that men do that stifle the woman’s desire for sex. but the point here is not about that. It is about a heart attitude and a willingness for women to try to understand that men’s need for sex is not just physical Many times what he needs is far greater than the physical. He needs to feel wanted by his wife and that her body is his to enjoy and that she willingly and freely shares it with him.
Sometimes the most disappointing time for a man is when he needs the emotional connection that comes from relations with his wife because he has had a major disappointment in life or a trying day. When he comes home from being beat up out in the world and his wife rejects him or makes it clear by her mannerism and responses that she isn’t available, or isn’t really interested or that is a bother to her, or that he has to fulfill some list of expectations on her part before he can receive anything from her, the hurt of rejection goes way deeper than just not having a sexual release.
Other than this blog post, one of the best things I have read is the chapter on sex in Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s book, “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” I wept when I read it and said to myself, ” finally here is someone gets it and who understands the rejection and loneliness many men live with on a regular basis. It should be required reading for every woman who is being taught by the older women, (Titus 2) to love their husbands. There is so much talk about the problem of pornography, and that talk is badly needed. But I have heard almost nothing on how the wife has tremendous power to protect her husband from this insidious and ubiquitous evil. That is indeed a tragedy for it tremendously weakens his ability to avoid the pitfalls of pornography or adultery.
Just for clarity sake, I am not saying the men do not need to pursue romance, and make time to talk to and connect emotionally with their wives etc, and to avoid the intimacy killers of anger, neglect, verbal and emotional abuse, etc. Those are his part to give willingly and to purposefully avoid respectively, in service to his wife. My point is that when the woman has the wrong heart attitude, it will take a very selfless and mature man to keep doing all those things and never feel hurt or disappointed and even lonely. Most of us men are a long way from that kind of maturity and selflessness, even if we want to be that way… at least I know I am
The over emphasis on the idea that sex is a result of a good relationship to the neglect of the fact that good sex is foundational to and helps to build a good relationship has been one of the major failures in much of the teaching on this area. I also think that our prudishness and squeamishness to talk about sex is also a problem. The Song of Solomon if properly translated. (which no English translation that I know of does) would go a long way in rectifying all this.
I will say this to women who are considering marriage: eventually, when you have rejected your husband enough times, he will stop pursuing and stop trying. After all, what’s the point of attempting something that can only end in failure? So for wives who don’t want sex, keep it up – it will pay off in his not bothering you for sex anymore.
At that point, your marriage is effectively over, as he is either actively searching for someone else or, more likely, already has found someone else that will not reject him, but makes him feel desired. He is only staying with you until his life is in order enough that leaving you is not going to disrupt his life too badly.
But then again, let’s be honest: it’s a win-win. You don’t have a husband who is wanting sex, and he is not being living with constant rejection.
As a husband, I say you are spot on! I have been down this road and it has been rocky. My wife just won’t understand. She is the dearest person on earth to me and I am certain that I am to her. I need her like flowers need rain. But if I showed this article to her she would refuse to read it.
You might be surprised! Maybe the fact that it was written by a woman would help?
A sweet sister in the Lord sent this article to me, and it was what I needed to wake up! Then the Holy Spirit filled me with conviction and His Irresistible grace, and I knew I had to take action. I had shared with my husband the day before what I needed to trust him again. That included connecting with me outside the bedroom first.. After I meditated on what the article said, I realized God was calling me to be obedient and take the first step to initiate that intimacy inside the bedroom….. and, yes, it was all for God’s glory and as a testimony to my pre-believing husband! Can’t wait to see what the Lord will do with this:)
My husband and I just had this conversation, “Did our great marriage come first or our great sexual relationship?” We aren’t sure. Surely, they go hand in hand. It has been a challenge for me in some ways and I’ve gone through times of only offering rejection but God has been faithful and gracious to show me the error in my ways. The effort has paid off. We have a very tender and sweet relationship. There is so much trust. It has been hard earned. Glory to God. I remember reading this before and I’m sure these words subsconsciuslg helped me through that time.
Love this, Amber!
Thank you for this reminder. My husband does pursue me and i need to remember that it’s not just sex he wants but sex with me. That is a precious gift. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go chase my husband for a change.