I’m not really sure when the preoccupation with self-esteem began. But, I do see the results of our obsession with it. It affects modern parenting in so many ways that I’m not even sure if we’re capable of being aware of all of its influence in our daily interactions with our children.
But, one area that is getting out of control on the self-esteem front is the way we encourage our kids to be puffed up and proud braggers and taunters. And, in the name of a healthy self-esteem, we say it’s okay.
Human beings who boast about their accomplishments are nothing new. Kids are prone to telling everyone how wonderful they are and how good they are at things. This is a natural part of being a child, I think. But, something in our culture has changed.
In the past, parents tried to train their children not to boast about things to others. They rightly taught their kids no one likes a bragger. That it is rude to tell others how great you are. That when you brag on yourself, no one else has the chance (or the desire) to brag on you.
But, now that we are so enamored with the notion of self-esteem, when we hear our children boasting we feel proud that our kids are so confident. We (desperately) tell ourselves that this is a sign that our kids are well-adjusted and that they like themselves. And, we let the bragging continue unchecked.
Meanwhile, we wonder why no one seems to want our kids to do well. Why people have something against them. Why they don’t seem well-liked or appreciated. While we allow the bragging to go on without correction, our kids suffer the consequences. Because, admit it–you’ve known braggers–they aren’t pleasant people to be around.
It’s essential that we teach our kids this important life lesson: Let other people brag on you when it’s merited, but, don’t ever be the one who is bringing up your own good qualities or accomplishments.
Of course, I want my kids to have a good self-esteem. We all do. But, when we allow them to try to get their sense of worth from desperate look-at-me-and-love-me actions, we are badly misleading these precious ones that God has put in our care. Because their bragging almost never yields the result that they are looking for. There is no real sense of self-esteem that comes from enthusiastically telling an unenthusiastic audience how amazing you are.
Our kids should get their sense of worth from our teaching them that they are precious in God’s sight. They should feel loved unconditionally, not desperate to prove to everyone why they should be appreciated. When we allow them to brag, we are solidifying the false notion that we are probably born with that says our worth is based on our performance.
Self-esteem and humility are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I often feel that the biggest braggers out there are some of the most insecure and sad people. We can teach our children that they are loved and are special because God made them and He loves them. Any other accomplishments or attributes are just icing on the cake. And, all good things come from God anyway, leaving us no room to boast at all.
TRUST ME 🙂
Oops, my link didn’t work. Sorry 🙂
http://www.amazon.com/Biblical-View-Self-Esteem-Self-Love-Self-Image/dp/0890815534
When it comes down to anyone’s self worth, it is all based on being made in the image of God and being created by Him for a purpose. And even then, it’s good to remember that not one of us is “good” in the sense of deserving God’s grace. I agree with you completely with this post. I have poured praise upon my girls and at times, it’s not so much unwarranted as it is unnecessary. While I think it’s important to tell them that they are beautiful, I try to tell them more about the specific things I love about them, like having a servant’s heart, or being kind to others. I see and hear people tell their kids things like “You are the best” and I cringe. They may be good at that one thing, but certainly they are not the “best” and ultimately, they will receive a poor grade or a poor job review and not know how to handle it. I don’t want my girls to ever let criticism cripple them, instead make them re-evaluate and improve. And, of course, not brag.
Such a good reminder for us as adults too – thank you for this post today Melissa.
I was interested in your article because we’re reading about selfism in psychology and how all this self-esteem craziness has come on our society. It really boils down to worldview and what you believe about God. Are the answers to life’s issues in the Word or within man? Another great, godly writer wrote about self-esteem today. You may be interested in David Murray’s thoughts from his blog: http://headhearthand.org/blog/2015/02/02/what-is-a-healthy-self-image-joel-osteens-answer/?utm_source=Head
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Melissa. I especially liked this point:
> ‘Self-esteem and humility are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I often feel that the biggest braggers out there are some of the most insecure and sad people.’
I hope that I can teach my son that his value is intrinsic; he is my son and he is made in God’s image, therefore I love him and so does God. Should he come to share my faith, he’ll learn that he’s value is becomes positional also; he is loved by God because of who he has become in Jesus, and I love him as a fellow brother.
Both these criteria suggest an innate value that negates the need for him to find his self-worth in what he does or has achieved. Whether he desires to search for his value in the above mentioned though is a different story.
“Let him who boasts boast in the Lord” ~ 2 Corinthians 10:17
A very important lesson we have been trying to teach our kids.
I still remember this lesson taught to me by my high school football coach. He said, “It’s easy for anyone to brag about themselves. But you know you’ve done something special when you don’t have to, and people brag on you for you.”
When I think about people who brag, selfishness and all the categories that fall in those two words, I am reminded of what Love is: Patient, Kind, DOES NOT BOAST or ENVY, SEEK ITS OWN WAY. If we roll back the verse of 1 Cor 13 that talks about Love, the precursor to that talks about whatever you do, do in Love because without Love your actions are nothing. And as we know, anything not done in faith w/Love is sin. Let us “Look not to our own interest but also the interest of others.” We (those who are believers of the Gospel) were created for good works in Christ Jesus and most of all, let us examine ourselves. Only the softened heart through Christ will humble us before the cross instead of pound our chest and boast of our goodness. I myself, and I confess, don’t often do this on the outside, but on the inside with thoughts is just as bad. I repent. May the blood of Christ which cleanses all sin from the East to the West cover my boastful sinful heart.
Reading through the book of my children’s sayings, I was struck by how much over the years I had emphasized the Proverb “Let others praise you and not your own mouth.” This has produced adults who are well-liked. However, they’ve had to work very hard in job interview settings to “blow their own horn”. Some kind of training is also needed to show kids how to give an accurate estimation of their abilities and strengths.