For someone who’s not a cat person, I seem to write a lot of posts about cats. I mean, it’s not that I wish cats ill or anything. I just want them to go about their business and let me go about mine.
Of course, we own a cat.
I don’t dislike her. I really don’t. I think she’s smart and actually pretty nice looking and mostly not annoying. Except for that thing when she tries to run into the house every time you open a door. And also the thing where she sits outside the glass-paned door and stares me down as if she is thinking evil thoughts about me. But, other than that, we’re cool. I think.
I pet her occasionally. She has managed to stay alive, which is a real bonus when you have a ten year old daughter who adores the cat. So, I can appreciate her longevity. She hates other cats and tries to keep them away, so there’s that.
Today I left to go pick up the kids at school around 3:00. I ran home at 6:00 to pick something up that I forgot for church, and when I opened the door, our outside cat came strolling through our kitchen toward me. Somehow she had darted into the house when I left and hung out in here for three hours.
Do you remember that episode of Seinfeld where Jerry dropped his girlfriend’s toothbrush in the toilet and didn’t tell her about it? So, when she found out she locked him out of his apartment and dunked something of his in the toilet? Then he spent weeks going crazy trying to figure out what she had put in the toilet. (In case you’re wondering, it was a toilet brush.)
Yeah, well, I feel a little bit like Jerry right now. Did the cat climb into my bed? Did she sleep on Sawyer’s pillow? Did she lick someone’s toothbrush or use the bathroom in the back corner of some closet? How many surfaces where we eat food did she walk on?
It’s torturing me, I tell you.
And, knowing how she is the laziest and fattest cat I’ve ever seen, I’m betting that all she did was walk in here, plop down on a rug somewhere and sleep for three solid hours. But, then there are all the what ifs.
Now, I realize if you have an indoor cat that right about now you’re rolling your eyes. (No? That started much earlier in this post?) Well, I get it. Some of you sleep with cats. Some of you eat off the same fork with cats. I know this. Maybe I’m over-reacting.
But, there is something violating about a cat inviting herself in and then hanging out for three hours with no permission or supervision. I mean, a cat who will do that is just a smug, arrogant little criminal.
So, I told Adelade about it later. I jokingly said that as I saw the cat strolling casually toward me after she trespassed in our house for three hours, that all I could think was, WHY do I have a cat???
And then Adelade cried because I was insulting her cat.
And I’m pretty sure that this is how non-cat people end up tolerating cats who illegally enter homes while their owners are away. Kids are so smart.
So, if you need me this weekend, I’ll be wiping down surfaces in a paranoid manner while the cat eyes me in her evil way from the back porch. And somehow all of this will make my ten year old extremely happy.
Because sometimes one way to love a child is to endure her cat.