I grew up in a small Texas town. It was a tight-knit community, and families didn’t just know each other–they knew all about each other, family secrets and all. Our community lived, breathed, and died together, quite literally. When times were happy, everyone celebrated with packed-church weddings and enormous baby showers. When friends were grieving, we all mourned together, filling the hometown funeral home with flowers and tears and supportive hugs.
I can’t remember a time when I was considered too young to be a part of these milestones of life and death. Children were included in the important rituals of living, even down to visitation times in funeral homes, where we sat on velour couches in viewing rooms just a few feet from the casketed body of a loved one. We accepted death as another aspect of life on this planet, and we weren’t afraid or nervous about the funeral process. We just knew it was a part of being a community, even if it wasn’t the most pleasant part.
The first funeral I remember was my grandfather’s. I was five years old. I remember very clearly seeing him in his casket, watching my dad and his brothers and the rest of the family mourn him, and I remember having a revelation that day in my own child-like way: death hurts.
By the time I graduated from high school I had attended dozens of funerals and felt perfectly comfortable in a funeral home. I felt like I understood the rituals of death as they were practiced in our part of the country, and I wasn’t ever afraid or nervous about attending a funeral. It was considered polite, loyal, kind, supportive, and gracious to attend funerals–a way to show love to a grieving family and to honor the life of the one who had died.
When I became a mother, I knew that I wanted to raise my children in the same way. I didn’t want to shelter them from death or funerals. I didn’t want to set up funerals as something morbid or scary; instead, I wanted them to witness and grow to understand these rituals and this important part of life on earth. Here are some reasons why.
When kids attend funerals, they are better prepared for the death of someone close to them. Sometimes it can’t be helped–there are times when a child’s first exposure to death is at a very young age and is someone that they are close to. But, for most kids, there are other opportunities to take them to funerals that don’t have such a huge life-changing emotional impact on them. When they have experienced a few funerals and have seen what grieving looks like, they are better prepared to face the challenge of the death of a close loved one. They will know what to expect, and a lot of the fear of the funeral process will be removed.
When kids attend funerals, they are learning how to be a part of a community. Going to funerals isn’t anyone’s favorite pastime. But, when we go, I am showing the kids that sometimes you do things you don’t want to do in order to support someone you care about. It teaches them to respect and honor people and to be loyal and caring friends. It teaches them the joy of linking arms with other people and committing to laugh when they laugh and cry when they cry.
When kids attend funerals, they are presented with great spiritual truth. We’re all sinners. Sin brings death. We’re all going to die someday. There is a Heaven and a Hell. We need a Savior. All of these truths and more can be discussed and explained in the context of a funeral. When I was five years old and I realized that death hurts those left behind, I took one step toward understanding how sin caused sorrow, devastation, and death from the moment it entered the world. These may seem like heavy truths for a five year old, but why would we try to delay understanding of the Gospel?
My kids have been to a pretty fair number of funerals in their short lives. Most recently, we stood at a graveside while one caused the other to snicker at a terribly inappropriate moment. It happens. But, they are already accustomed to the funeral ritual and seem comfortable in their role as members of a community that grieves together.
I don’t really see any benefit to sheltering kids from death or funerals. When death is presented as a natural part of life on this planet, when the hope of Heaven is taught from an early age, and when community is held up as a for-better-or-for-worse concept, kids become better citizens, better friends, and more compassionate people. Their spiritual growth depends on a healthy understanding of death as it fits into God’s plan for humanity. So, funerals are fertile training ground that parents and kids should venture onto together.
I *completely* agree on including children in funerals. I would caution what you teach is “appropriate”. When I was a child, I was taught you walk respectfully and quickly walk by the casket, glance in, and move on. NO TOUCHING. At 41, when Max was killed, all that went out the window for me. I spent plenty of time touching his eye brows, his hands, laying my head on his stomach. I was alone in the room with him. I inspected all his wounds. I *had* to so I could really believe that was MY CHILD in that casket. Although I was not in the room at the time, I know for a fact that his fiance lifted him up and held his upper body, because of what she described to me later (I could have lived without knowing some of it). When it’s someone extremely close, you do what you have to do in order to believe and say goodbye.
And as people arrived for the viewing, I encouraged the middle school/teenagers to go ahead and caress his hands if they wanted to, put something in his casket if they wanted to. I stood right by him and touched him many times during the viewing so others would feel comfortable doing so if they needed to. Not all families operate the same. But I am no longer afraid to reach in and touch a hand and really *look* at the person in their casket.
Pam, I always learn from your experiences. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
I agree with you. My youngest children were blessed not to have anyone close enough to attend a service die in their young lives. Their first experience with funerals was for their Papa (my father-in-law) almost 2 years ago. I explained how he would look and feel, and they were able to see him and touch him and kiss him if they wanted. I was born in Chicago (I got to Texas as quick as I could!), and the visitations there lasted 6-8 hours! My parents always took us to the wakes with them, and I can vaguely remember the first time I touched someone who had died. When a family member died, we had hours to spend at the funeral home with our cousins, but it was not scary at all. We have some great memories of being together there!
Love this, Laura!
Excellent article. I was taken to funerals at an early age and I took my children when they were young, too.
Thank you, Judith!
This is so true. My mother-in-law reassured me when I had to take our little ones to a relatives funeral and wondered if I was doing the right thing. She said, it is a part of life here and part of being family. It is ironic in this day and age that we will expose children to violence and sensuality in entertainment, but want to shield and protect them from the reality of living in community. Bless you <3
Yes, you’re right, Laura. Most parents think nothing of children witnessing all kinds of things on television. Thanks for this thoughtful comment!
This is so true! My family has always done this. We explain about death and our “earthly home and our heavenly home”. I now see my children taking their children to funerals and “explaining”. Love your blog!
Thank you, Jan!!
My mom would not let me go to my grandmother’s funeral, as she decided her 3 children, , were entirely too young. I was nine years old, and that was 69 years ago. I never had closure and feel that being with my parents and cousins at my grandmother’s funeral would have been more comforting than staying with the baby sitter and feeling left out of a very important occasion.
Carole, thank you for sharing your experience. This is important for other moms to read!
I still remember some things from my great grandmother’s funeral, I was 3 years old. I remember thinking how thoughtful it was for the grownups to have put a step (it was actually a kneeler 🙂 ) right next to the casket so that us little people could step up and peer into the casket.
Later there was a span of 3 months in which my siblings and I attended 4 funerals (I didn’t really know any of those people very well).
Most of the funerals I attended as a child were of elderly people, but I also remember one of someone in my church (around my parents’ ages) that died very suddenly and unexpectedly. That funeral stuck out in my mind because of seeing so many people that I normally saw happy on sunday mornings or at an athletic camp in the summers, very, very sad and grieving, the most raw emotion I had seen up to that point in my life.
Over the past few years I’ve lost all but one of my grandparents and there is also something hopeful and comforting about having children (younger cousins) at the wake and funeral.
I’m glad that my parents took me to funerals when I was young and I plan to do the same if I should ever have children.