When four year old Ivy wakes up in the morning, her very first thought is, “Mama!” She opens her eyes and hits the trail looking for me. I hear her little feet running through the house, and if it’s early, like it is most days, she runs to my side of the bed, flings her blankie over the top of me, and climbs in. When I get out of bed, she immediately jumps down and follows me telling me that I’m her best friend. I’ve been the center of all my kids’ universes at different times on this journey of motherhood for the past 21 years. It’s always a precious time.
It doesn’t last, of course. At some point in each of their little lives their world expands, and as their mom I ride out every phase of my relationship with them. I’ve been doing this long enough to attest that there are things to cherish in every single stage.
I find myself in the last few weeks of high school for Sawyer, and there’s a certain contrast that I’m living between this fresh chick in my nest that follows me around the house and the one that’s about to take flight. I remember those sweet days when I was the sun that Sawyer’s world revolved around, but the truth is that these are sweet days, too. He is still completely knowable. He is still fun to watch as he takes more steps out into the wider world. And he still looks for me in a crowd. My relationship with my kids goes through lots of phases, but they are still anchored to me in a special way that only moms get to experience, and I’m grateful for it.
At an event on Saturday, I sat at a table with a sweet woman whose mother had recently passed away. She told me that there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by when she hasn’t cried. She expressed this feeling of being unmoored, moving through life without a mother for the first time. God really has placed us in a unique position. It requires us to be for our children whatever they need us to be in each phase of their lives, whether they need us to be the focus of all their energies at four or a listening ear for spilling all the 5th grade drama, or quiet, steady support when life’s disappointments hit hard in high school, or a sounding board for plans and ideas for the future when they’ve launched into the world. He gives the grace needed for each season.
There’s a type of grief that hits as moms transition from one season to the next, but it’s not unbearable if we have Christ. Motherhood is wonderful beyond words, but there’s nothing greater than knowing Jesus. He is everything we need at every stage of our kids’ growing up. He’s more than enough to sustain us when we tearfully let go of a phase we love, and He is an anchor that never dies, never gets too sick or old or tired to help us. He is a gift we can hand to our children throughout their lives, showing them again and again how He never changes, never leaves, never forgets about any of us.
I’m living a few phases at once right now, and it’s sweet. I’m happy to be who each of my kids needs, knowing that Jesus is everything I’ll ever need, now and in every step in the future. He makes it possible to hold tight while I can and let go when I need to, and by His grace I’ll keep going until all of my kids have seen the glory of God in their lives, in the shape of one very imperfect mom.
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