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Things Stay-at-Home Mothers Aren’t Allowed to Talk About

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I saw a fascinating video the other day of Mayim Bialik, the famously crunchy, extreme-attachment-parenting mother with a phD and a Big Bang Theory cult following.  In the video, Mayim explains and defends her decision to stay at home with her children while they were young. What strikes me about her demeanor is that she seems a bit apologetic, saying many times during the course of her monologue that staying home with her children was her personal choice that was right for her at the time and might not be right for everyone.

As I watched, I recognized the hesitation there, the sense that we stay-at-home moms are really not allowed to talk about the benefits of staying home with our kids, for fear that we might make another mother who chooses to work or has to work feel guilty or judged. It’s difficult for a mother like me to extol in the public square all the great things about staying home with children. Mom guilt is such an extreme handicap for all of us that I would never want to pile more of that onto my fellow mothers. Yet, the world needs women who are advocates for the stay-at-home life. Why? Because society needs dynamic women in the home as much as it needs dynamic women in the boardroom.

As a child I learned a lot about the benefits of having one of those dynamic women pouring all of her energies into our family and home. My mother was always available to me. She dedicated her creativity and her brain power to making our home a warm, neat, and welcoming place to be. My mom had lots of interests when I was a kid. She was an avid reader, a brilliant decorator, a great photographer, and she even dabbled in drawing and painting and was quite gifted. My mother made every holiday great fun, and the woman cooked several meals a day most every day. She encouraged me in my faith and encouraged me in every other way, too.

Now, I’m not saying that my mother couldn’t have done all of those things while she worked outside of our home. But, I am saying that they would have been infinitely harder for her to accomplish. She made the decision, as many do, to sacrifice any accolades she could have received from a career, to give up the clothing budget that her working friends had, to pinch pennies and run a tight ship so that our family could have what we wanted and needed. And then she threw herself into our family with her whole heart and mind. I will forever be grateful to her for that.

My mom gave me the gift of herself undivided. And what a gift she was (and is). Her children rise up and call her blessed.

These are all ideas that are quite taboo to talk about in our diverse society, where women follow lots of different and good paths. Not everyone has the desire or the financial ability to stay at home. But, I want to encourage those women who are thinking about becoming stay-at-home moms. Maybe you are looking at your budget trying to decide if you can make it on one income. Maybe you are a young woman and the world is telling you that career is everything, but all you want to do is stay home with babies someday.

To you stay-at-home hopefuls, I say go for it. As one who is living the double blessing of having had a mom at home and being a mom at home, I can tell you that it is an absolute treasure of a life. I am so grateful to God for every year that Chad and I can make this work.

To all of you working mamas out there, God bless you. I have no idea how you do what you do, but I know that you love your families fiercely and you fight hard to be everything to everyone who needs you. I admire you, and our world would be a lesser place without you.

Emerald made me a card this weekend, saying she loves it that I “didn’t want a job.” I have never specifically talked with her about being a stay-at-home mom, but at seven years old she is already understanding a little bit of my heart when it comes to our family. I don’t know if she’ll wind up being the PTO President or a CEO, but if she chooses to stay home with babies, I pray that she will find in it the complete joy that I have. Because this world needs kind and artistic and smart and funny women like her in the kitchens and the laundry rooms and the carpool lines, and there is nothing at all wrong with her giving herself to her family, undivided.

The Best Advice for a Pastor’s Wife

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A couple of weeks ago I started feeling a little bit discouraged. A combination of factors related to our church were piling on in an unusually burdensome way, and I just felt like there was a huge weight on my shoulders. My husband Chad is pastor, a calling in both of our lives that we are passionately committed to. We are sounding boards and burden-bearers for many in our community, and Chad says that he has learned to embrace the melancholy that sometimes comes with being a spiritual shepherd, a counselor and secret-keeper. At times it is a weary load that a pastor, and often his wife, carries. It can be difficult to deal with people in all of their human glory, their faults and failures and their ever-pressing expectations.

A few days ago we drove out of town to attend a funeral, and afterward we stood and talked with the hospice chaplain. He, too, has pastored churches, and as we talked he turned to focus on me. He told me that during his years of shepherding a church someone offered his wife a wonderful piece of advice.

Now, I often read or hear advice for pastors’ wives. Generally it is something with a bit of a worldly spin on it, something like,  Tell that church that they hired your husband, not you or Your one job is to love your husband and take care of him–the church shouldn’t expect more from you than that. I braced myself for yet another mediocre idea of what a pastor’s wife is meant to be. But he surprised me.

He said, “Just love the people.”

At those words I felt the weight in my spirit shift. The burden didn’t disappear–the heaviness that comes with being intimately intertwined in the lives of others. The sense of melancholy that Chad talks about was still present. But in that moment I remembered that I am not a pack mule struggling to shoulder everyone’s problems. This calling is so much more than that. It’s an opportunity to love sacrificially (though imperfectly) and, even more amazingly, to receive sacrificial love in return from the (imperfect) people who make up our church family.  I was reminded that I am a follower of Christ first and a pastor’s wife second. Jesus told us all to love the Lord and love our neighbors, and I certainly shouldn’t expect to do anything less than that as I minister alongside my husband.

Sometimes loving others looks like absorbing wounds inflicted by the very people you are called to love. Sometimes it looks like mourning in unison. Sometimes it looks like laughing, eating good church food, watching our kids play together, marveling at the many ways God is working in the lives all around us.

I stood and nodded at the chaplain and wondered if my heaviness of heart feels extra burdensome because I have tried to complicate this calling with too much problem-solving, too much time spent trying to figure things out that have no real solutions. I think I forgot that loving people, although not always easy, is fairly simple.

This heavy load that Chad and I sometimes bear is not ours alone. Ultimately, it belongs to Christ, and He is more than strong enough to carry it. So when I feel myself starting to stoop under the weight of it all, I pray that I will remember the advice that gave me pause on an especially wearisome day, that I will lay these burdens at the foot of the cross and open my arms wide to those whom God has given us.

The Blessing of Heaven as a Near Reality

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Their ages: 94 and 84. They have been friends, Sunday school members, and sisters in the faith for years. And now they were saying goodbye.

I stood aside with my children close and watched as these two dear women embraced. It was a happy day–a going away lunch as one sweet widow packed up her long life to move in with her daughter in another state. Yet, as they bent their white-topped heads together in a final hug, I could feel an urgency here that isn’t necessarily present when younger friends part ways. At their ages, these women seemed to have a sense that they may never see each other again on this side of eternity.

Through tears, the younger of the two smiled: “We’ll meet again in Heaven.” They squeezed each others’ hands knowingly.

Once a week I visit this precious Heaven-dreamer. Eternity feels so near to her that she can spend most of our time together describing to me in detail what it may be like. She devotes hours of her day to dwelling on her eternal future, almost as if she can reach out and touch it.

For her, Heaven is a near reality. It is close, and she is looking forward to experiencing it at last. She lives a full life and serves the Lord in all kinds of ways. But one blessing of old age is her growing connection to the future that she knows is coming. It is the essence of hope, this sure belief in a painless world of sweet reunions and Christ in His full glory. It is what can bring a genuine smile to an aged face. And it is a motivator to run this race well, even through the pains of all kinds, and finish strong. Perhaps there is no greater hope in the Christian faith than the hope of one who recognizes that she is running her final miles toward glory.

The two friends stepped back with smiles and began to gather up their belongings. It was time to go home. I glanced at Chad across the room and saw that his eyes, too, were filled with tears. Goodbyes that are backed by the promise of Heaven are beautiful. Our eyes met for a second and through our tears we smiled a little ruefully. Goodbyes are inevitable. One day even we will part ways, one remaining to finish the race while the other moves into a glorious forever.

The lunch was over. The goodbyes were done. We washed dishes and wiped tables and gathered up our children like one grabs for seashells in the surf.  Heaven usually seems like a distant future, but in this moment, standing in the church fellowship hall on an August Sunday, somehow it seemed a little closer. A little clearer. The hope of it. The confidence in whatever God has in store. Maybe this is the beginning of living with true joy, remembering that Heaven is a nearer reality than we think.

The Time to Pray is Before the Shooting Starts

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I’ve noticed a disturbing trend among Christians. We are not a praying people.

Oh, we love the idea of prayer. We love sharing memes about it and ranting on social media about prayer in schools. We love organizing prayer vigils after some awful tragedy has struck. We follow the same predictable patterns of making prayer low priority until we have absolutely no other recourse but to turn to the God of the Universe.

As His children, we must start examining what it is that keeps us from prayer. Is it that we really don’t believe that God is in control? Or do we just not care what He does until He does something that negatively affects us? Do we really think that the best time to pray is after the mass shooting?

At most prayer meetings, only a fraction of the church takes time to attend. It isn’t a time issue. Parents and grandparents alike can make it to every little league game, anytime, anywhere, with three or four kids in tow. In most cases it isn’t a matter of limited mobility or poor health. The majority of us are perfectly able to meet together to pray. We just don’t want to.

Imagine how our communities and churches and schools might change if we approached the throne of God with an expectation that He will hear our prayers. With an excitement about what He will do with the pleas of His people.  Consider how things might be different if we had eyes to see how He uses our prayers to accomplish His will, if we had the faith to believe that prayer really matters.

Imagine if we weren’t afraid to humble ourselves before our God, before our family and friends and fellow believers, if we marked prayer meetings on our calendars in ink, making it clear to our children that we make prayer with fellow believers a priority in our homes. Instead, most of us hear the words “prayer meeting” and tune out. Not for us. Not important. Not worth our time.

We spend so much time worrying about the world our kids and grandkids are growing up in, so many hours scheming and planning ways to shelter them, and so little time talking to the One who can actually change things. If you want to know the truth, it isn’t the youth of today or the evil governments or the wicked schemes of man that make me fear for the future. It’s the empty prayer meetings.

“The Cinderella of the Church today is the prayer meeting. This handmaid of the Lord is unloved and unwooed because she is not dripping with pearls of intellectualism, nor glamorous with the silks of philosophy, neither is she enchanting with the tiara of psychology. She wears the homespuns of sincerity and humility and so is not afraid to kneel.” – Leonard Ravenhill

A Cell Phone Agreement for the Christian Teen

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After almost fifteen years, we are finally jumping into the world of cell phones with our first-born. As a follower of Christ and one who has seen the ways that cell phones can lead kids astray, change their priorities and personalities, and provide plenty of easy and “private” ways for kids to sin against God, Adelade is dipping a toe into these waters with caution and a heart that wants to please the Lord. For that I am so grateful. I want her to understand that God’s grace is enough for any mistakes that she will make as she begins to navigate the world of text messaging, social media, and the internet. But, I also don’t want her or Chad and me to enter into this new era lightly. I want us to come to this moment with hearts and minds that are tuned to God’s word and His commands for living according to it.

So, I didn’t want to create a document for her to sign that I called a “contract.” Not because I think there’s necessarily anything wrong with that, but because I don’t want this to be set up in her mind or ours as a list of do’s and don’ts. I don’t want her to view the phone as a wicked machine bent on her destruction. Nor do I want her to feel like if she fails in any of these areas that she is, then, a failure. The truth is that we all face temptations to say what we shouldn’t, to react in the wrong ways, to look at things that aren’t edifying, to waste time, to be lazy, to ignore our family, and to hurt our witness as Christians while we use and live with and enjoy cell phones.

Instead, I wrote an agreement that I hope will help her to think through the ways that she uses her phone. The idea is to help her commit in her mind ahead of time, before the temptations arise, that she will follow the Lord’s leading and not her own flesh. I firmly feel that kids need a plan as to how to handle temptations, especially when it comes to cell phone use. As parents, it’s our job to guide them through such a plan.

With that in mind, this agreement is sort of a road map that helped us talk through all of the different ways that we know, according to God’s word, that she can walk in holiness with a cell phone in her pocket. I wanted to make sure there is a strong emphasis on the gospel, on God’s grace and on the power of the Holy Spirit within us. Our discussion as we walked through the agreement together went well beyond what is listed here, but it was a great jumping off place and helped me take these ideas far beyond the realm of legalism into examining our hearts and considering the why and the what now of temptations that we face as cell phone users.

Cell Phone Agreement

As I know that cell phones can be good things which are often misused, tempting us to act, talk, or think in ways that are not God-honoring, I agree to commit to the following:

  1. I will strive to avoid gossip, bad-mouthing, and discouraging or unwholesome talk. (Ephesians 4:29)
  2. I will guard my eyes and heart against images that dishonor God, knowing that pornography is real, readily available, and that I will be targeted by that industry in the hopes that I will become a regular customer. I am fully aware that nothing on the internet is truly private. I will not look at things that I wouldn’t want my mother, father, or Sunday school teacher seeing. (Philippians 4:8)
  3. I will never send or post a photo or video of someone without their permission. This includes siblings. (Luke 6:31)
  4. I will not be so preoccupied with my phone that I ignore situations or people around me. I will remember that God has called me to love those around me, and that’s hard to do when I’m staring at a screen. (Ephesians 5:1-2)
  5. Whenever possible, I will put my phone to good use as a tool of gospel outreach, encouragement, and care for others. (Matthew 5:16)
  6. I will not send compromising photos of myself to anyone. If someone sends compromising photos to me, I will take my phone directly to my parents without reply. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
  7. I will continue to study and learn God’s word so that I have discernment on the internet, recognizing which ideas are biblical and which aren’t. I acknowledge that most of the world’s advice is directly opposed to what the Bible teaches, and I will be vigilant in clinging to the truth of the Bible above all else. (2 Timothy 3:16-17)
  8. I understand that nothing on my phone is secret or private. My parents have apps that report my activity, and they will also regularly look through all of my content. This is one way that my parents help keep me safe and hold me accountable as a fellow Christian and beloved child. (Hebrews 13:17, Hebrews 10:23-24)

I understand that this agreement before the Lord is between my parents and me. I know that in any arena of life, temptation can only be overcome with the help of the Holy Spirit. So, I will rely on Christ, and I will remember that with the Holy Spirit’s help, NO temptation is too strong to resist. (1 Corinthians 10:13, 2 Timothy 1:7) And when I do sin, I will remember that my sin is no match for the wonderful grace of my loving, compassionate God. (Hebrews 4:15-16)

I know that my parents are a safe haven for me and that they understand the temptations that come with cell phones. I will not be afraid to talk with them about anything, and especially not something that is worrying me, upsetting me, convicting me, or scaring me.

 

Signed:_______________________________   Date:__________________________

As Christian parents, we really don’t have to be terrified of what is out there. God’s word gives us the tools we need to teach our children well. They will make mistakes. They will struggle and they will question and they will rebel in their own ways. They will face situations they have no idea how to handle, but if we begin with an open dialogue that tackles sin and temptation head on, they will be much more likely to look to us when trouble does arise. I pray that this agreement is just the beginning of an ongoing conversation about what is happening in the online world that Adelade is entering.

Please note that we also use internet filters and accountability software. If you would like to talk through this agreement with your kids, I’ve created a pdf file that you are welcome to print and use. Just click here.

I Deserve This: One of My Heart’s Favorite Lies

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The world has watched it over and over again. US Women’s Soccer Co-Captain Megan Rapinoe stands with one leg propped on a railing, balancing the World Cup trophy on her bent knee. She holds a bottle of champagne and thrusts her chin in the air, loudly declaring behind pink sunglasses: “I deserve this.” When her teammate asks Megan what she deserves, the answer is simple: “Everything.”

Glamour claims that this moment is a “mood.” Others have called it an inspiration and a battle cry for women everywhere. I suppose for once in my life I would have to agree with Glamour. I do see Megan’s declaration as a mood. It’s a mood that I recognize because I have so often lived in it–that space inside my own mind and heart where I tell myself that I deserve more. I deserve better. I am owed. I am underappreciated.

This snippet of video has caused all kinds of controversy online. Despite the claims that this is a bright moment for women, many recognize the problem with a team co-captain hoarding glory after a victory. As human beings, we like to see the moments when a sports hero gives all the credit to her teammates. We love watching a star quarterback insist that his team made it all possible. When someone is greedy for glory, even a very talented someone, it makes it difficult for us to admire them. There is something inside of human beings that recognizes that humility is a superior quality.

The reason behind this, of course, is a spiritual one. When we see humility in someone, we are recognizing, even if we don’t realize it, a Christlikeness. We are seeing the image of God reflected clearly in another, and it is beautiful. Even those who have never heard the name of Jesus are innately drawn to a humble hero, as literature through the ages clearly illustrates. Everyone loves an unassuming champion, and we generally despise a gloating victor.

Even though the Glamour editors will tell you that anyone who isn’t keen on Megan Rapinoe’s swagger is anti-woman, the truth is that most people can’t help being repulsed by such overt self-promotion and boasting coming from any man, woman, or child. This feeling, like all desires for nobler and higher ways, is one way the breath of God imbibes us all–when our created hearts see reflections of our Creator in others, and we are drawn to the qualities of Christ. Even the godless can’t resist the urge to cheer on the humble winner and scorn the proud bragger.

For those of us who are in Christ, let Megan’s “I deserve this” moment be a cautionary tale. As much as we are drawn to humility in others, we are prone to prideful self-promotion ourselves. We can be disgusted by another’s pride while overlooking our own, and we so quickly forget that every single good gift comes from the Lord. We love taking credit. We love being singled out for praise and glory. Pretending that we see something in Megan Rapinoe that we don’t daily battle within ourselves is as false as false can be. In reality we are all glory hogs, and we all need a Savior. He bore the awful weight of what we truly deserve, and when our lying hearts start to tell us all of the things we are owed, let us remember the cross. Jesus received a punishment He didn’t deserve to bring us a mercy we could never earn. We deserve nothing. He gives us everything.

You won’t read that in Glamour magazine. You won’t see it in any viral videos. It is more than a “mood” or a moment. It is Life. I’m grateful that God gives us what we don’t deserve to rescue us from what we do.

The Lord is Building This House

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Today a friend of ours was on my mind. I don’t always do a good job of praying for those who come to my mind, even though I know I should. But, today I prayed for him. I know that he is facing a tough time at work, and I know he has a challenging job where people (even his friends) are sometimes unhappy with the decisions he has to make. I sent him a text, just a quick word of support to let him know that Chad and I appreciate and pray for him. I suppose I was expecting that he needed the encouragement.

What I didn’t expect is that I would be encouraged, too. Our friend replied right away, telling me that he had gotten up early to walk through the neighborhood before work, and that he had prayed for us as he walked past our house. And, just like that, in two text messages, the Lord let both our friend’s family and mine know that He is moving. That He is empowering and encouraging our church through our prayers for one another.  He showed us that He is working here, through friendship and accountability, through an obligation to each other as brothers and sisters in Christ.

I believe that this is some of the most beautiful work of the church. It’s the little ways that we gird each other up that make all the difference as we walk this narrow path together. When we pray for each other, when we take just a few seconds to reach out, even if we are just saying, “Hey, I see what you’re doing, and I appreciate it,” we are building a stronger body, one that is a true family, a team, and a source of endless encouragement.

I wonder how often God has brought someone to my mind, only to watch me push the thought away because I was too distracted by my phone or a child or my own problems?  The Bible tells us to encourage each other and build each other up, but I fear that we get so wrapped up in ourselves that we sometimes miss opportunities to do so. I know that I do.

Today I’m thankful for the reminder. As churches, we should pray for each other and when we do, we should let each other know. I can’t think of a better way to remind each other that God is at work in our hearts, in our minds, in our relationships. I’m grateful for the encouragement sent my way today by a friend who humbled himself before the Lord on my account. This is one way God builds a church that thrives.

In Defense of Prudent Parenting

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I’ve heard the argument many times through the years. “Cool” Christian parents love to use it. They have no problem with their kids watching television shows and movies or playing video games that are filled with profanity and vulgarity of all kinds, for this simple reason: It’s no worse than what they’re hearing at school.

Now, I have a daughter in the ninth grade, so I know for a fact that these parents are 100% correct. In the hallways of school, the f-word is bandied about constantly. Sexual jokes are common, and inappropriate talk is a way of life. It’s difficult to be a Christian kid in a public school, but it can be done, and what a mission field it is. I have complete faith that the Lord is using school as a training ground for my girl, helping her learn to love those who are sometimes difficult to love. Helping her understand how great the need is in our world for the only good one, Jesus Christ.

I know that she hears these things at school. However, you will not see me inviting foul-mouthed kids into my living room and sitting my children on the couch so that they can listen to an unlimited supply of the f-word. Doing that would be weird and spiritually confusing. Regardless of what the cool parents claim, there should be a huge difference in what my children see and hear outside of our home and what they see and hear inside of it. Christian homes should be filled with what is pure, right, noble, and lovely. These are the things that we should be encouraging our children to think on. Personal holiness in our children begins with what we approve of inside the walls of our own houses. Allowing our kids to consume profanity-ridden entertainment in our living rooms is tantamount to putting our stamp of approval on the very language that they are putting up with all day at school. I want my kids’ ears to be tuned to God’s word, not the world’s words, and if our home is a haven of godly teaching and wholesome entertainment, then every time they hear an f-bomb dropped at school, it be a sour note that helps show them the difference between living for Christ and living for everything else.

I know. It’s only language. Words. But, don’t fool yourself, cool Christian parents. It matters what your kids hear inside your home. How can we expect our kids to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and mind if we say we are for holiness, but our actions show them that entertainment is more important? What a sad substitute for an all-in faith.

Why We Go to Church on Vacation

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Today I found myself sitting down to make a list of all of the things that I’ll need to pack for our family of five for our upcoming vacation. We try to escape for a few days every summer, a chance for my pastor husband to get away, at least physically, from the demands of being everyone’s go-to guy when things get tough. I don’t think that it’s really possible for either of us to leave our dear church behind in our heads or hearts (nor do we want to), but it’s so nice and necessary to spend some time focusing on our little family having fun together.

Some years our vacation plans cause us to miss a Sunday at our church, and on those years we all get excited about choosing a church to visit while we’re away. Now, you may wonder why in the world a pastor’s family would look forward to going to church on vacation. Isn’t going to any church sort of like going to work? And the simple answer to that question is no. Church is not work. It’s our family, our support system, our place of worship, and our lifeline to the truth of God’s word. The church is not just a place we go–it’s who we are.

I remember when Chad and I were newlyweds. The first Sunday of our new life together rolled around, and he cheerfully hopped out of bed and informed me that we were going to church. I had a more lenient view of church attendance–I thought that it was no big deal to skip a Sunday here and there, especially in your first week of marriage. But, Chad set a precedent that morning that we have stuck to through the past twenty years. There is really and truly no place we would rather be than in God’s house on Sunday mornings, partly because God has used that faithfulness in worship to bless us in so many ways through the years that I couldn’t even begin to write them all down.

There are a few other reasons that we wouldn’t dare miss the opportunity to worship with our fellow believers on a vacation Sunday.

1. It’s encouraging.

It’s an encouragement to visit churches in other parts of the country while we travel. It gives us an opportunity to witness what God is doing in other places, and it reminds us that He is working in so many ways that we don’t see. Walking into a building and knowing that we have a deep connection with a bunch of strangers just because we all love the Lord is really uplifting and reminds us of the sweet fellowship of Heaven.

2. It sends a message to our children.

Something seems very wrong about being blessed beyond belief by a fun vacation and then flouting a chance to worship the One who provided it. When we make church attendance a priority all the time (even on vacation), we show our kids that worship is not all about a place or certain friends or familiarity, but it is about Jesus. It helps us to focus and to remind our kids that this is a way of life, not just a ritual or routine. Even when it might not be familiar or completely convenient, we are still going to find a church and honor our Savior on Sundays.

3. It’s fun.

We have a great time entering a church as guests and experiencing the way that another church does things. It sparks lively conversations afterward about what they are doing and how they’re doing it. Often it inspires us to come back home to our own church and institute some great idea that we got from a church on vacation. It’s fascinating to see how other awesome churches operate, and we always enjoy trying something different that’s out of our normal routine.

4. Where else would we be?

For our kids, it’s a no-brainer. If it’s Sunday, we’re at church, even when we’re away from home. They would be shocked and dismayed if a Sunday came and went and we spent it sleeping in or even lying on the beach, not because they are trying to be rule-following do-gooders, but because they have learned to love worship, and their very best memories of life have happened right inside church buildings. They have discovered, like we have, that inside the church we find hope, truth, and love. So, where else would we be on a Sunday?

God provides so many sweet opportunities to worship during our short time on earth, and His people have been such a source of joy and friendship and encouragement through the years. I’m grateful for that late May day back in 1999 when my brand new husband declared that on Sundays, we worship. It has made all the difference. When we vacation, we don’t want to take a break from being who we are. We’re grateful to be God’s children, and we enjoy being with our brothers and sisters worshiping Him, no matter where we may roam. I thank God for the privilege. May we never take it for granted.

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