Many years ago when my first two kids were in their elementary years, I began to think about writing a book about parenting. A wise friend questioned me at the time, wondering if I actually had any business writing a book about parenting, since my job was only partially done. At the time, I decided my friend was right. Maybe I should wait until I had more confidence, more proven ways of looking at child-rearing, and I put that book on the back burner.
Lest you think I’m about to reveal that I have a parenting book in the works, I don’t. You would think that all these years later, when I have an adult child, when I am parenting four different phases at one time (college, high school, junior high, and preschool), that I have finally reached that stage where I have things figured out. But the truth is that I have less confidence now in my parenting abilities than I did way back when. I feel less sure than ever before about the decisions I make, the approaches I take, and the best way to do pretty much anything as I sit here in this moment.
I used to think it was important to project confidence when it comes to parenting, and I wanted everyone to think that I had everything under control at all times. But the deeper I have gotten into this lifelong job, the more I have realized how complicated and special each little soul in my care is, and I have learned that there are very few one-size-fits-all philosophies of motherhood. Each child and each phase is its own adventure, with its own set of variables, and I have learned that I need God’s help with each and every bit of it.
Maybe that is the real difference in the parenting book I would write now and the one I would have written all those years ago. Many of the philosophies might be the same, but the overarching theme of the book I would pen at this point is life is: your lack of confidence is intended to lead you to reliance on Christ. Want to be the best mother you can be? Trust in the Lord. Want to gain wisdom and learn how to parent your kids as individuals with eternal souls? Beg Christ for help. Want to feel reassured even when you don’t feel confident? Remember Jesus.
Lack of confidence in our own abilities is not an issue in the kingdom, because we aren’t meant to rely on ourselves. Everything He hands us in this life is designed to cause us to turn to Him and cry, “Help!” His response never fails. He brings peace where there’s heartache and uncertainty. He brings comfort when we have messed up. He brings joy when things are difficult. He brings clarity when everything feels unsure.
But His response is rarely immediate. I suspect this is why scripture is filled with commands to wait for the Lord. So, think about how He designed parenthood. He gives us kids, all with their own sets of quirks, problems, personalities, greatness. Then He shows us how little we actually know about doing this job, driving us to seek Him and ask for His help and guidance. Then, He responds at the perfect time to allow us maximum growth and reliance on Him. In the end, we get a few years of parenting under our belts and realize that we don’t need confidence in ourselves. We need confidence in Him.
I can’t tell you how freeing it is. I could sit here all afternoon and run an endless list of parenting mistakes on a loop in my brain. I could worry myself to an early grave about what I do and don’t know, about what I said or didn’t say, about how I handled complicated situations, about my bad attitude that sometimes sets an unpleasant tone for my sweet family. But when that film starts to play in my mind and heart, instead of crawling into a hole and refusing to try again tomorrow, I remember that my confidence doesn’t lie in my talents as a mother or in the job that I did yesterday or ten years ago. My confidence lies in who God is and in what He is doing and will do in my kids’ lives. He will work despite my mistakes. He will accomplish all that He will.
He allows me to be a part of His plan for these kids, knowing that I will fail and do it so imperfectly. Knowing that my sin will stand in the way of what’s best at times. Knowing that I will shake my fist at Him on occasion. He includes me. But He doesn’t rely on me. He is God, and I am their mother. So I will imperfectly rely on Him. And I will have all the confidence in the world that He knows how to take even my mistakes and sins and use them for a purpose in my kids’ lives.
You see, my lack of confidence in me isn’t an issue at all. In fact, it’s pretty astute. God doesn’t call me to believe in myself more. He only asks that I trust in Him. I know where my confidence needs to be directed, because I know the God of the Universe. And I’m happy to rely on Him, to wait on Him, and to remember that I don’t have to be my kids’ Savior, just a mother who knows who she should turn to. I’m confident that I’m getting that part right.
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