I saw a fascinating video the other day of Mayim Bialik, the famously crunchy, extreme-attachment-parenting mother with a phD and a Big Bang Theory cult following. In the video, Mayim explains and defends her decision to stay at home with her children while they were young. What strikes me about her demeanor is that she seems a bit apologetic, saying many times during the course of her monologue that staying home with her children was her personal choice that was right for her at the time and might not be right for everyone.
As I watched, I recognized the hesitation there, the sense that we stay-at-home moms are really not allowed to talk about the benefits of staying home with our kids, for fear that we might make another mother who chooses to work or has to work feel guilty or judged. It’s difficult for a mother like me to extol in the public square all the great things about staying home with children. Mom guilt is such an extreme handicap for all of us that I would never want to pile more of that onto my fellow mothers. Yet, the world needs women who are advocates for the stay-at-home life. Why? Because society needs dynamic women in the home as much as it needs dynamic women in the boardroom.
As a child I learned a lot about the benefits of having one of those dynamic women pouring all of her energies into our family and home. My mother was always available to me. She dedicated her creativity and her brain power to making our home a warm, neat, and welcoming place to be. My mom had lots of interests when I was a kid. She was an avid reader, a brilliant decorator, a great photographer, and she even dabbled in drawing and painting and was quite gifted. My mother made every holiday great fun, and the woman cooked several meals a day most every day. She encouraged me in my faith and encouraged me in every other way, too.
Now, I’m not saying that my mother couldn’t have done all of those things while she worked outside of our home. But, I am saying that they would have been infinitely harder for her to accomplish. She made the decision, as many do, to sacrifice any accolades she could have received from a career, to give up the clothing budget that her working friends had, to pinch pennies and run a tight ship so that our family could have what we wanted and needed. And then she threw herself into our family with her whole heart and mind. I will forever be grateful to her for that.
My mom gave me the gift of herself undivided. And what a gift she was (and is). Her children rise up and call her blessed.
These are all ideas that are quite taboo to talk about in our diverse society, where women follow lots of different and good paths. Not everyone has the desire or the financial ability to stay at home. But, I want to encourage those women who are thinking about becoming stay-at-home moms. Maybe you are looking at your budget trying to decide if you can make it on one income. Maybe you are a young woman and the world is telling you that career is everything, but all you want to do is stay home with babies someday.
To you stay-at-home hopefuls, I say go for it. As one who is living the double blessing of having had a mom at home and being a mom at home, I can tell you that it is an absolute treasure of a life. I am so grateful to God for every year that Chad and I can make this work.
To all of you working mamas out there, God bless you. I have no idea how you do what you do, but I know that you love your families fiercely and you fight hard to be everything to everyone who needs you. I admire you, and our world would be a lesser place without you.
Emerald made me a card this weekend, saying she loves it that I “didn’t want a job.” I have never specifically talked with her about being a stay-at-home mom, but at seven years old she is already understanding a little bit of my heart when it comes to our family. I don’t know if she’ll wind up being the PTO President or a CEO, but if she chooses to stay home with babies, I pray that she will find in it the complete joy that I have. Because this world needs kind and artistic and smart and funny women like her in the kitchens and the laundry rooms and the carpool lines, and there is nothing at all wrong with her giving herself to her family, undivided.
I appreciate your viewpoint but you’re insinuating that being a good mother includes being a “decorator extraordinaire” and other creative outlets. These are God given gifts that are bestowed on some mothers but that doesn’t necessarily make them a superior mother. I know some young mothers whom God has bestowed the gifts of leadership and the ability to create and execute projects and plans. Are these not also gifts from God? Daughters of these moms also appreciate and value those God given gifts are given a great example of motherhood. Just like we don’t all look the same racially and physically let’s realize that motherhood doesn’t look the same to everyone either. In this day of polarity in so many realms let’s not add to that idea by not extending grace to other Godly mothers and children who live their family lives differently, not wrongly, than we do.
Hi, Lynette. Well, unfortunately it is impossible to speak about this topic without offending. I was only talking about my own mother in the paragraph that you are referring to. I personally am a terrible cook and not a great housekeeper, and I freely acknowledge that there are all types of mothers in every arena who are truly amazing, no matter their interests or skill set. Thanks for your comment!
I had my best encouragement this morning from my almost 21 year old son. We have 4 children from 21 to 8 months. He told me this morning that he realizes now how fortunate they have been for me to stay at home and that they have grown up in the kind of family he has. He said he sees what kind of sacrifices we have made and he was just thankful
Yes I’m grateful to have been able to do this for so long now albeit not without great sacrifice. And it can be tiring because no choice we make seems to be able to be talked about without insulting someone else. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Yes. Thank you, Melissa!
Lynette, as a stay-at -home mom, I use my “gifts of leadership and my ability to create and execute projects and plans” for my family, my church and my community daily. I also love to decorate, cook and pursue other creative outlets. It is very possible to do BOTH. There is so much value and worth in our roles as stay-at-home moms, and my adult daughters both appreciate it, as they have benefited from it. This blog is about dynamic stay-at-home moms. We can be strong and dynamic in however we use that role.
Thanks for the encouragement! Reading this was a good way to start my week, remembering what a blessing it is to be home.
Thank you, Bethany!
This is beautiful. Thank you for stating the obvious so eloquently and so graciously – and for not apologizing.
Thank you, Brenda!
To shout the praises of one way does not necessarily demean the other way. We all need to extend a little more grace, carefully comprehend what we are hearing and reading (rather than reading into it) and stop being so easily offended. Thank you for this well written and balanced defense of stay-at-home motherhood.
Thanks so much, Katy!
Beautifully said.
I grew up in an 800 sq foot house (for a family of 5) with a godly stay-at-home mom, and would not trade those years for any luxuries you could offer. I never wanted to raise my children any other way.
Thank you for this encouragement. I have been a stay-at-home mom for 30 years now. My oldest is 30 and married, but I had two children later in life (fertility issues) at the ages of 40 and 43. Staying at home was a decision my husband and I made before we got married. My mom was a stay-at-home mom as well.
It is certainly a struggle financially, but a blessing as well. My oldest doesn’t have children yet, but is an entrepreneur who works from home and plans to continue with this, if she is able to have children.
I have over the years, I must admit, felt inferior for not working outside the home. However, I understand that God’s plan is different for everyone, that everyone has different circumstances and do not feel that any mom should feel guilty for the choice they make to either work outside the home or stay at home.
Actually, I am currently preparing to take a course and hopefully begin some work from home myself, out of necessity.
Love this, Christine! A few years ago I realized I was introducing myself as “just” a stay-at-home mom. I think it was a reflection of that feeling of inferiority that you are talking about. God bless your new endeavor!
Thanks for this article. I have experienced the exact thing you’re talking about when people have ask me why I homeschooled my children? There are so many amazing things about it, that I would love to describe to people, however I never go far down that path for fear of making others feel bad about their choice. But I think you’re right, singing the praises of the choice to stay home is appropriate, and can encourage others who are considering that path, or even who are on it but feeling less than because they’re not in the workforce. My oldest just started college this year and I wouldn’t trade away those years at home for any other job in the world!
Thank you, CE!
My 6 children are 20, 13, 11, 7, 5 & 1.
We never had a strategy plan. We were open to kids and delighted with them. I always saw the value in being home but I didn’t know how to do it. I was raised by a single mom in the Corporate world. I literally have warm memories of going to her company, having lunch at the cafeteria, playing with Monte Blanc pens in her bosses’ offices when they were traveling.
However I had no idea how to run a household. Our home as a child had been empty. We had had no stuff and were never there.
I’ve had so much ambiguity about where I should be, am gifted to be, am interested in. I got a degree with aspirations of a particular career. Then we had a bunch of surprise babies. My income didn’t justify the expense of childcare.
Then we had a bunch of surprise babies and I
just did what was in front of me and stayed home while doing a few hours of part time work sporatically.
I really needed this encouragement today. Thank you so much.
Wow, Heidi! You are super mom! Keep going–you are doing important work!
Reminds me of this song…..
The Hand That Rocks The Cradle
Glen Campbell
He got here red and wrinkled scared and cryin’
Then she took him up and held him to her breast
And he sure was glad to get what mama offered
Then he went to sleep and put his fears to rest
It didn’t seem to matter what he needed
He could always count on mama to supply
And regardless of the sleep she might be losin’
He always found a twinkle in her eye
There ought to be a hall of fame for mamas
Creation’s most unique and precious pearls
And heaven help us always to remember
That the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world
She taught him all the attributes of greatness
That she knew he couldn’t learn away from home
And by the time she wore the cover off her bible
Her hair was gray and her little man was gone
There ought to be a hall of fame for mamas
Creation’s most unique and precious pearls
And heaven help us always to remember
That the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world
Yes, the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world
❤️
With all the damands for understanding and ability to shave hairs isnt it time to start recognizing that men stay at home as primary care givers as well.
Well, kudos to stay-at-home dads, Jerry.
Hello! I am a stay at home mom of three 14, 11 and 7 years old. To hear this is encouraging and I get it, it is not about being the perfect mom with the cooking or decorating skills, etc it is about being there for every moment of your children’s lives because every day doesn’t come back, is sawing so one the day the Holy Spirit can reap. I am very short of being perfect or having it all together.. God bless all mothers 🙂
Me, too, Aleida! I have written extensively about my shortcomings, and I haven’t run out of material yet!
Yes, this was just what I needed to read. Thank you!
I’m so glad, Madison!
I think in the final run, it really doesn’t matter what choices my neighbor or sister in the Lord makes. What really matters is the Audience of One. I’m not so worried about offending as I am about hearing Well done Thy good and faithful. So. Question. Is 1 Tim 5:14 descriptive or prescriptive?
Elizabeth, when looking at 1 Timothy 5:14, the context of this verse is Paul’s instructions to the church about women who have been widowed. This verse comes after he exhorts the church to financially support older widows (60 years +), and he does advise that younger widows marry again, probably partly because they weren’t really capable of financially supporting themselves in that culture and also because they were of a younger age when they would be considered more likely to desire marriage, sex, children, etc, and may be more easily led into temptation, especially if they made some sort of commitment to remain chaste widows and then were somehow led astray by the world. Much of what he is saying in this passage seems to related directly to the culture and times that these women were living in. So, no I don’t think it could be considered as strictly prescriptive for us, being that he was speaking about a very specific group within the church of that time, although it may be possible for us to glean some beneficial wisdom from what Paul is saying here. For instance, in 1 Corinthians Paul advises that if the widows can remain unmarried, that would be better for them, but if they can’t remain unmarried without “burning with passion” then they should remarry, which would seem to reiterate his advice toward widows in this passage. Some commentaries suggest that he says this because those who aren’t married are allowed to have a more singular focus on their faith or that in those days of heavy persecution it was easier to travel and teach and spread the gospel if you weren’t married.
This is so good, Melissa!! Shortly after we had our firstborn, Ryan and I were able to make it so that I could stay at home. It took years for my family to understand why we would choose to live solely on a pastor’s salary, considering what we could make if I had continued to work as a doctor. We could have made so much more money over the last 9-10 years—live in a much bigger house, Ryan could drive a car that wasn’t always on the brink of dying, our kids could have more opportunities, whatever. And yet, I would over and over choose the blessings of being able to stay home with our children over the $100+k I would have brought home each year away from them. There may be a large financial cost, but I am certain that we are seeking to make a much greater eternal investment!
Um, Kelli, how did this never come up in conversation? Lol! I didn’t know that you’re a doctor! Guess I never thought to ask that! Ha! Love this testimony, friend!
Kelli,
I believe that when your kids grow up, they will understand the sacrifices you have made and be so happy that you did that for them.
Part of the reason that I stay at home, is because my mom did, and was there every day when I (and my siblings) got home from school to ask about my day, was there when we were sick, and went to every play or special performance at school (she often had to get a ride because she didn’t drive and my dad was a shift worker).
I went to a more local college (40 mins from home) so drove back and forth. I remember my mom bringing me up some lunch when I was studying and I didn’t ask her to do that 🙂
I can remember another time when I made a poor choice and left a big assignment to the last moment. I had to stay up all night to finish it and my mother sat up too. Now, she was naturally a night owl and didn’t go to bed early, but she didn’t have to stay up the whole night.
There was only a couple of times that my mom wasn’t at home due to circumstances and I can remember those even though that was over 40 years ago.
Thank you, Kelli, for helping me to realize that I have been looking too much at the financial side of things lately (frankly more about me) and need to keep my focus on what’s important.
Christine, I love the story about your mom sitting up all night while you did your assignment! Moms are amazing!
Just beautiful! Thank you! I work part-time, and so enjoyed reading this.
I’m so glad, Luceyk!