She pulled me aside to confess her painful secret: she had accidentally discovered that her husband was looking at porn. She was hurt and confused, and her question dropped into the church hallway air between us like a deflated helium balloon: “Why?”
I could see it in her face. In her posture. In her balled fists and her furrowed brow. She was wondering why she wasn’t enough for her husband. She was trying to wrap her troubled mind around what this discovery means about her marriage, about her husband’s love for her, about her physical appearance and her sex life. She was trying to decide how to think about what she could only describe as a betrayal. And she was desperately searching for someone who could explain it all to her.
The black-hole-like pull of pornography is complicated and yet so simple. Men and women alike are drawn to it for various reasons and keep coming back to it because sin is like that—it always seems so glittering and alluring while it kills us little by little. Like all sin, it hurts. It hurts us and it hurts those closest to us. Marriages everywhere are struggling to stay afloat in the middle of the vast ocean of pornographic material that is so readily available. Women often want to know what they are doing wrong to cause their husbands to keep going back to the source of the shame and the failure.
I looked into her precious, worried face, and I told her one thing that I have learned about pornography through the years: Your husband’s pornography problem is not about you.
In fact, it has very little do to with you. It isn’t about how you dress or how you look naked. It isn’t about how you treat your husband or whether he feels loved by you. It isn’t about which sex positions you’re willing to try. And, even if your husband says it is about any of those things, it isn’t.
Your husband’s pornography problem is about one thing. It’s about how sin is always crouching at our door, waiting to devour us. Pornography is such a quick and easy temptation, and it’s everywhere. Your husband wouldn’t be normal if he didn’t struggle with the desire to look at pornography. He didn’t suddenly develop a taste for lustful thoughts and images when he married you. Chances are, he has struggled for most of his life with this issue, and despite what many think, even a happy marriage isn’t a cure for the desire to look at what can be so easily found on the internet.
You may be the sweetest, most doting wife in the world. You may be attentive in the bedroom. You may be in great shape. You may be none of those things. But, nothing you have said or done and nothing that you are or aren’t has driven your husband to look at pornography.
I’m not saying it doesn’t affect you. It does. Very much so. His private struggle is also yours. His failure in this area hurts you deeply. You can help him in many ways as he deals with this temptation, but ultimately it is his battle to fight, and his failures are not yours to own.
Wives, be prayerful. Be gracious. Be tender. Be tough when you must. But, don’t believe for one second that your husband’s pornography problem is about you. Pornography robs a marriage of lots of things: trust, intimacy, openness. Real choices lead to real consequences. But, don’t forget that this is ultimately a spiritual issue, just like your own struggles with sin. It isn’t about your husband’s level of satisfaction with you.
In most cases, pornography is a source of terrible shame for a Christian husband. You can be a great ally for him in this area. I know it’s difficult. I know it’s heartbreaking. But, the more you recognize that your husband’s feelings about you are not the source of the problem, the easier it will be for you to help him gain victory here.
As usual you are right on with this!
Thanks so much, Linda!
Thank you for this because so many wives need to hear this!
Thanks, Diane!
But then what IS it about?
Autumn, in the simplest terms, it’s a sin problem. In most cases, as boys they started looking at porn, and then it developed into a habit. There’s lots of research out there that might help you understand it better, or as well as we can as women. In counseling couples, I have found that it’s difficult for men to even put into words what it is really is about, but there’s no question that it’s sinful, and many men turn to it almost like one would turn to comfort food after a stressful or tiring day. It’s just a temptation that is so available and so easy and feels so private that many men feel it’s impossible to fight it. That is absolutely NOT true. God has given us His spirit so that we can resist temptation. None of us are perfect, but we do have the power to fight sin and exhibit self-control. Unless a man puts accountability software or filters on all of his devices, he isn’t ready to really fight the sin, and that’s a problem. It is a sin against you, to be sure, but first and foremost it is an issue between the man and God.
Yes and yet also perhaps could be fleshed out differently when responding. If a man chooses to become a husband, he becomes one flesh with his wife and it becomes about her in that his body is hers (1 Cor) and he isn’t yielding that to her as he ought. I don’t know – I get the sentiment, but I’ve heard and read this so many times and I get tired of it seeming downplayed that it is a huge sin against God (foremost, always) and against me. When my husband turns to an image of someone else, he isn’t obeying the mandate God has given for his and my good. Maybe just food for thought to start giving it the gravitas it deserves in how we respond to hurting wives.
Emma, this article is not meant to be an excuse for anything that a man is doing within his marriage. Christian men who look at porn know that they are sinning against God and their wives. In most cases, they are absolutely wracked with guilt and are spiritually hindered because of this problem, even if they act defensive. The purpose of my writing this was to try to bring comfort to wives who feel that they are deficient in some way because their husbands look at porn. It certainly AFFECTS you. It is heartbreaking and feels like a horrible betrayal. But, you are not the CAUSE of it. Many women feel that they are.
I believe once a wife can grasp this idea, then she becomes better equipped to deal with the problem. There is no attempt here to downplay the terrible damage that is being done to marriages because of this sin. I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. It stinks. Pornography has ruined many a marriage. But, there is always hope because there is Jesus.
Thanks for the clarification. I think what I realized afterwards is that what’s been extremely helpful in our marriage is taking to heart the biblical reality that our bodies belong to each other- which does involve realizing our actions reflect how we see the other person’s valuableness. So a spouse does need to hear that masturbation is wrong because it’s breaking that command and his or her duty to the spouse. And a spouse can hear that that’s why it hurts so badly and that there is a biblical command that we don’t get to do whatever with we’d like with our bodies sexually. It’s helpful to know as a wife that it’s equal – my body does belong to the Lord eternally and within marriage there is an element of belonging to my husband on earth. And his does to me, too. Culturally (at least in my experience) sex prioritizes male orgasm, so even now it’s radical that we owe each other conjungal rights equally. And by God’s grace living that way has transformed our marriage hugely. I know that’s a bit of a rabbit trail perhaps, but so few resources are even willing to use language as specific as orgasm and masturbation and to label self gratification as bad and say clearly: wives and husbands are obligated to each other to reciprocate in the marriage bed. Doing that has brought healing to our marriage, because my husband realized that his calling was to consider me, and vice versa. Again, I’m off topic from the article and do agree with what you wrote. Praying for clarity of speech and sound exegesis about this in the church and for freedom in Him to enjoy His good gifts. Be well,
Emma
Thanks for the clarification. I think what I realized afterwards is that what’s been helpful in our marriage is taking to heart the biblical reality that our bodies belong to each other. So a husband does need to hear that masturbation is wrong because it’s breaking that command and his duty to his wife. And a wife can hear that that’s why it hurts so badly and that there is a biblical command that we don’t get to do whatever with we’d like with our bodies sexually. It’s helpful to know as a wife that it’s equal – my body does belong to the Lord eternally and to both Him and to my husband on earth. And his does to me, too. Culturally (at least in my experience) sex prioritizes male organm, so even now it’s radical that we owe each other conjungal rights equally. And by God’s grace living that way has transformed our marriage hugely. I know that’s a bit of a rabbit trail perhaps, but so few resources are even willing to use language as specific as masturbation to label that as bad and say clearly: wives and husbands are obligated to each other to reciprocate in the marriage bed. And that has brought healing to our marriage, because my husband realized that his calling was to consider me, and vice verse. Again, I’m off a bit from the article and do agree with what you wrote. Praying for clarity of speech and exegesis about this in the church and for freedom in Him to enjoy His good gifts. Be well,
Emma
After reading the original post I’m inclined to suggest that maybe there could be a related blog post, one that not only guys, but their wives would read, too. It might be titled “Your wife’s nagging is not about you.”
I will try to explain what I mean. If I were to give these thoughts a subtitle, it might be “Fight or flight in the context of hunger for positive acknowledgement.”
A lot of guys know they should not fight with their wives, and they are committed to a type of peace in the relationship. But when the relationship is tough for them, they often choose flight. They go into a cocoon, including with their sex lives.
Most guys are insecure, some more than others. They do not feel like they measure up, and many, unfortunately, have grown up ill-equipped to self-counsel. Thus, they are vulnerable to being wounded, meaning they are prompted to become angry by even the slightest put-downs.
I suspect many guys would agree that the word “nagging” used above was right on, while many wives might have immediately dismissed the word as not applying to them. Men would do well to understand that some statements to husbands by wives – statements which are not intended as put-downs – are simply attempts by their wives to bring greater health to the relationship, to the family functioning.
Unfortunately, those statements will sometimes be heard by guys as put-downs. A guy will hear that he’s not good enough. His secret logic will be, “I work so bloomin’ hard to support this family and this is all I get, a dose of disrespect!”
The problem is, a wife may feel exactly the same disrespect when her husband is failing to do something she thinks would be respectful in the relationship. She may harbor fear deep within that some task will never get done, or some behaviour will never change, and that she is doomed to some issues going unaddressed forever. She may subconsciously fight to try to make that change happen.
Sometimes when a guy hears statements that his heart categorizes as disrespectful nagging, he will do his best to avoid getting angry and having a fight. He will flee instead into a silent tailspin, and again, head for the cocoon. The fear of a fight in the marriage can lead to sullenness and distance.
For both men and women, it is difficult for relationship patterns to change after they have been in place for many years. It can be hard for guys to swallow their pride, learn to self-counsel and find out about better responses than fight or flight in order to strengthen the marriage relationship.
It can also be hard for wives to swallow their pride and admit that they might not be the most supportive communicators they could be. It is not easy to learn different ways of communicating that might better build the marriage relationship.
I agree with the original post: the problem is sin. Pride is sin. And, in a way, living out of fear is sin, too. Repentance is the antidote. Along with repentance, both husbands and wives need a commitment to learning more about loving in marriage. I don’t mean just sexual loving, but about love emanating from an understanding of gender differences, along with learning good approaches to listening, communicating and supporting.
For some men, the flight to porn is, for them, a way of finding stress relief easily when the marriage relationship feels uncomfortable. And, for some women, commenting to husbands about problems, or even just making observations about things needing attention is, for them, an attempt to make the relationship better.
To a wife who has read this far, I’d say: Misunderstood communication can be a far bigger problem for your husband than your physical attractiveness or your sexual performance. Your husband’s flight to porn may simply be seeking what he thinks is a more acceptable avenue (e.g. than an actual affair) to relieve stress, as well as to take care of his stronger sex drive, a drive that may in fact often annoy him when it looms large, leading him to see almost every other woman as a sex object. He knows that is sin, but he cannot get sex out of his head, and relief in his cocoon helps him. (I state this to promote understanding, not justification or approval.)
To a guy who relates to any of this, I’d say: It is understandable that fleeing to your cocoon is what you think is a safe and effective way of finding relief from the occasional disappointments in your marriage. But, it’s having a negative impact on your wife. It may well be that your wife, in her communication, is not disrespecting you, but rather she may be trying to improve things in the relationship, or even trying to improve you, even thinking that is what you would want! If she is not coming across in that positive way, maybe talk to her about it, humbly.
The bottom line is this: Sex between married partners who are growing in their understanding of each other, and communicating well, is far better than any pornography-fueled sex. Both husbands and wives have a great opportunity to improve their relationships by looking within, checking assumptions, confessing pride and fear, and humbly moving towards greater understanding and better communication.
Very well said. It reminded me of the “Love and Respect” book as well as “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work”. You’re right, porn is just an escape from reality.
Since the numbers are so high in the church with men (and some women) who are addicted to porn, we need more articles/blogs that minister to those hurting from this destructive sin. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Just to note…although we can help our husbands to fight this sin, we are no saviours so we cannot save them from it. Jesus alone saves from the guilt and power of sin, so we carry them to the Saviour in prayer, we seek to keep them accountable and we remind them over and over that God had forgiven them, and he has forgiven us- that’s how we forgive them. The love of God is within us, so when we run out of our love for them, we love them with God’s love. We forgive them, we love them- but we look to God to save them.
My husband and l were childhood sweethearts knowing each other since 6and 7 yrs old we’re now in our 50’s.. l received 4 prophecies that God was taking me back to my first love as l totally left the choice of my husband up to God and after being single for 12yrs we were reunited after over 30 yrs ..so l truly know God orchestrated our marriage which is why the pain of me discovering his adultery was so beyond painful! altho he did apologize and even got on his knees and repented in front of me.. l now question the genuiness if it ..because now to add to the pain of infidelity the enemy (accuser) used my husband to verbally abuse me instead of being remorseful as tho l was the one who cheated..l asked God to give me peace and a strategy and God )answered and seperated us so he now has his own place and l still remain in the one we shared..l heard you mention forgiveness as well as anger and toughness..he hasn’t valued my worth in so long but still helps me financially with me not working rite now..since I’ve applied forgiveness and not sending him message anymore period! about the cheating or ANYTHING ELSE cutting all ties but respectfully speaking to him as l see him on a regular because he manages the complex where l live it seems to not only given me a since of peace and feeling loosed from the bondage of feeling so unworthy and the root if bitterness beginning to form in me.. but also giving me the power to take back my character integrity self esteem and and time with God! that Satan tried to stl thru this…l thank God for your link/msg because l know without a doubt this added the fuel and blessing l needed from God to press NY way.l don’t know what the future holds for us BUT I KNOW WHO HOLDS THE FUTURE! Amen