Today I sat in a clean, cheery room while an orthodontist expertly fitted shiny little brackets to my daughter’s teeth. This is a place where beautiful smiles are made. Where we get as close as we can to perfection, at least in the arena of our kids’ teeth. Just yesterday, my little girl, a tender thirteen years old, furrowed her smooth brow with concern over how these braces would change her appearance. I knew she wondered if she would look weird or look awkward or look like someone who deserves ridicule. I knew it because I have felt it, too. The constant pressure to look a certain way. The never-ending squeeze on your heart that says you must be acceptable. That you must be worthy of approval.
As I sat nearby, I checked the internet to see what people are discussing today. It’s no surprise that Meghan Markle and her royal wedding are all the rage on social media, as we Americans seem fairly obsessed with royalty and giant weddings and love stories. Put the three together and it’s a recipe for an internet deluge. And in the mix of all of the superlatives surrounding the newest duchess’s big day, I saw it there, too: pressure from the heavy weight of public opinion. These days it isn’t even public opinion that is the real heart crusher. It’s the many, many public opinions. It’s a world where opinions are constantly spewing out of us like red hot blood from a deep wound. And, Meghan Markle hears the world speak. So does my wide-eyed first born daughter. And so do I.
Certain men have sewn devastating colors into the fabric of womanhood. They have ripped through the threads of what God created us to be, and they have decided that we have less purpose and less value and less soul, maybe. They have decided that there is no real beauty, only empty bodies that exist to be crushed by the will of a man.
Yet, in the middle of all of the outcry in the past couple of years, in the midst of all of the words that needed to be said and all of the realities that are coming out that are still showing us how very deep and abiding this men and women problem really is, we have missed one of the most devastating realities of our time. One of the main reasons that women are viewed as objects, as heartless, soulless, and mindless bodies to use and abuse is this: women speak of other women as if it is true.
Just ask the new Duchess of Sussex. Ask her about the thousands and thousands of women who, while witnessing her marriage ceremony, could only speak of her makeup, her clothing, and her hair. Ask her how many people took to the internet to vomit their opinions about her face and her body. Ask her how many cruel words were spoken about the way her eyebrows were shaped. Ask her what it’s like to be a stunningly beautiful woman in our world, and I’d wager that you’d hear it in her voice. You would feel a heart-sick sinking inside of her as she thinks of all of the hateful women who care nothing for her soul or her mind, who only want to talk about her “bad” makeup. Who want to see her humiliated because, like certain men, they only see her as something to see and not someone to know or to love or to cherish. They don’t look at her and see a person. They look at her and see a body.
These same women, who are utterly blind to their true opinion of what we are worth, will decry those certain men, and all men (for good measure), simply choosing not to admit that we are just as quick to reduce a woman to her dress size or bra size as any man. This sickness goes well beyond the males of our species.
From my perch in the orthodontist’s office, I watched as all of the tiny silver brackets were attached decidedly to the teeth that I have seen grow in through years of losses and gains. Kids’ mouths go through plenty of phases. For just a moment I pictured the Easter when her grin was punctuated by a huge gap where her two front teeth had once been. Now, here she was, years later, her long and lean frame stretched across a dental chair as the too-bright light illuminated her new silver-accented smile. I watched as the final rubber band was snapped into place and the chair slowly sat her up, her face flushed as she adjusted to the feeling of the metal in her mouth.
She grinned at me gingerly, unsure. Vulnerable.
In that moment all I could think about is how this girl is so much more than a smile. She is so much more than a number on the scale or a piece of flesh to be ogled. I know this is so because I know her. I can easily live in a state of awe at her heart and soul and her purpose as a child of God. I can be continually amazed by what is in her mind and how her imagination fires up a million stories at a time. I can be captivated by her creativity and her tenderness.
Inside all women’s bodies are who they really are. We are right to call men to account for their sins in this area. But, how can we ignore the fact that women, too, are among the worst offenders? We, who are so keenly aware of all that exists inside the shell of a woman. We are so easily tempted to talk and think as if the sum of a woman is what she looks like. Let us remember that all women are as real and deep and beautiful as a tender thirteen year old in her brand new braces, smiling at us with a hint of hope, vulnerable. What will we do with this woman’s soul? I pray we won’t cast it aside in favor of discussing all of the details of her body. What a waste. What a crime. What a devastating reduction of what God has so fearfully and wonderfully made.
We walked out of the orthodontist’s office, my very first baby and me, and we laughed into the sunshine of the second day of summer. Her eyes still held a question as she ducked into the car. I told her the truth: she is absolutely beautiful. All of her.
She is absolutely beautiful. Such an amazing child of God. It has been fun to watch her grown into a beautiful young lady with an amazing heart. Enjoy Day 3 of summer!
Thanks so much, Barbara!
Finally, someone said what I’ve been thinking for a loooooong time. Kudos to you!
I thought the duchess looked very beautiful, I thought she radiated. Her make up was simple, her dress was simple yet elegant. She appeared very authentic to me
“In that moment all I could think about is how this girl is so much more than a smile. She is so much more than a number on the scale or a piece of flesh to be ogled. I know this is so because I know her. I can easily live in a state of awe at her heart and soul and her purpose as a child of God. I can be continually amazed by what is in her mind and how her imagination fires up a million stories at a time. I can be captivated by her creativity and her tenderness.”
Love this! Yes, there is so much more to any human being than just their outside shell. Why do we forget this so often? I try to make it a habit not to compliment people, women in particular, on looks, dresses etc. An occasional and genuine compliment is okay, but in general I try to focus on complimenting others on character, behaviour, kind deeds, friendship etc.
Great article, well said. I often feel angry and betrayed by women who condemn me because I don’t fit into societies accepted norm for a female human. I also feel sorry for them because it may be that their own mothers raised them to fit into that society that sees them as nothing more than eye candy for men. Many women believe that, if you want to be accepted, to get a husband, you need to “make the most of yourself” in terms of looks, playing down any intellectual gifts so as not to threaten men.
I think that some women condemn other women so that they can bolster their weak ego’s by believing that they are the top of the pile, setting the standards for beauty and femininity, and everyone else is “less than” them. They have been so indoctrinated by all around them (men & women) from infancy that, to survive, they have to believe it is all true. If they believe that then they have to justify it by living it, raising their own children that way, and condemning those who don’t fit in. This merely perpetuates the problem down through the generations. It has become more serious in recent decades due to social media and TV, where image perfection is used to sell product to the masses on a callosal scale unseen before.
It’s hard enough to stand strong when you are different, and to try to defend another way of life. It is made all the harder when we see s many feminists who are butch and angry and think that feminine equality means they can be serially drunk, sexually promiscuous, semi naked, foul language and masculine behaviour. Why can’t we be equal in value rather than equal in sinning?
A psychologist friend once pointed out to me that, on TV/cinema, evil men are ugly & strong and all of them have a name (e.g. Gollam, The Penguine, etc) whereas evil women are ugly and hysterical and don’t have a name, only titles such as “wicked witch of the west” “wicked stepmother” “ugly sisters” “white witch” etc.
Only God can redeem us from the fake promise of superficial beauty by transforming us into the image of His Son. That is TRUE BEAUTY. But it will cost us everything we have and are to achieve it. Maybe some just feel it is easier to tint their eyebrows & put on a push-up bra.