Today I ran across a sweet post written by a marriage blogger. It was a series of fruit of the spirit-themed date nights for couples. It’s an ingenious idea, really, and everyone who was discussing it in the comments seemed excited about the prospect.
But, I laughed.
I was imagining Chad and me setting out to complete the series of date nights, and I estimated that we would be finished sometime in the spring of 2026. I wonder if a spiritually-themed date night series loses its effectiveness if it takes you nine years to go on nine dates?
Needless to say, we don’t date much.
I can’t remember the last time I put on a pretty dress for a night out. We’re in the thick of life with three fun kids and a vibrant church, and there’s no time for date nights. Yet, almost eighteen years into this thing, our marriage has never been stronger. We have never been more spiritually in tune. And, we’ve never truly liked each other more.
A good marriage doesn’t depend on how many date nights you plan.
Marriage is really about the day-to-day, nitty gritty, in-the-trenches stuff. When you depend on each other every day, trust each other every day, and laugh with each other every day, a measly one hour meal in a chain restaurant kind of pales in comparison.
So, if you are not in a phase where dating is much of a priority, take heart. There are plenty of opportunities all around you to love with reckless abandon, to sacrifice willingly, to live out your vows every single day. Don’t believe the hype that only marriages with frequent date nights are good and healthy and happy. There are plenty of us out here who are more in love than ever before, even without a calendar full of scheduled romance. Date when you can, but don’t fail to appreciate the romantic importance of just living every day together as friends. You could be missing the miraculous love that’s right in front of you. You live together. Don’t waste the time you could spend laughing and loving each other because you are so convinced that good marriages only happen in a corner booth someplace.
As we say in Texas, that’s just bull corn.
Marriage is miraculous and fun, with or without date nights. Just keep loving each other. And, someday, if you find yourself in a corner booth someplace, enjoy that, too. Don’t ever lose sight of the fact that you are so, so blessed to be facing this world with your true friend.
Amen, and way to work in “bull corn”!
Ha ha, Laura! I knew someone would like that. 🙂
Agreed! Though at this season of our marriage ,(married 27yrs, 8 children ages 21-5) we need to leave the house just to have a conversation without being overheard, interrupted or having several children join in & give their opinions!
Susanne, you gotta do what you gotta do! 🙂 And, when you’ve got eight kids, you’ve got built in babysitters! Genius!
Your words are obviously true and reflect the gift that comes down fron Above. I would love for you describe the things that make your church vibrant. I think V.Chs. are a minority. Wayne McDaniel. Phx.
Wayne, that’s an interesting idea for a future blog post! Thanks so much for your comment!
Melissa, In 2000 I finally learned of what had happened at Peninsula Bible ch. in
Palo Alto, CA. The late Ray Stedman was their first pastor – from 1950 to 1990, when he retired. From New Year’s eve, 1969, until some time in 1992, PBC had a
Sun. pm “body life” service. Attendance went from 150 to 200, to 800 to 1,000 – with many coming from other churches. The majority were under 30.
They began with a 30 to 40 minute period of sharing their burdens with each other,
followed by immediate, specific prayer for those burdens. They also met $ needs on the spot. By the time I called the ch. office in 2000, the meetings were no longer being held. I can send you a page about those meetings written by Ray Stedman if you are interested. It took me far too long to see the implication of
1 Cor. 11:5 – though it fits with Joel 2. Wayne McDaniel
Followed this link here from Tim Challies link list, and just wanted to say BRAVO!! This is something that has irked me for years. “You must have a weekly date night, or you might as well kiss your marriage goodbye.” HA! The last time my husband and I went on a date was sometime in 2009. We are super-busy and have no money to waste – and I don’t even really like date nights. And our marriage is fine. It really is about the day-to-day things, not just rushing out to a restaurant every Friday, that is the true substance of marriage. Thanks for writing our this truth so eloquently.
Diana, thanks so much for reading and for your comment! I think there’s an over-emphasis on date nights, when the regular days are where the real love and romance come in. 🙂
Followed this post via Challies. Good thoughts, but to (gently) push back a bit, don’t you think that dedicated time with one another is a good thing, a precious thing, something worth setting aside time and even some $ for? Dating may not be the highest and best thing in your marriage right now, but 20 years and four kids later, I cherish our getaways alone now more than ever. Maybe it’s the variation between marriages, but given the crush of ministry responsibilities, kids’ activities, and jobs, it’s awfully easy to see pursuing your spouse as a “maybe later” activity. But what regrets would I have if “later” never comes.
Yes, I certainly do, Joe! This post is more about the over-emphasis that the internet places on date nights, as if they are the be all and end all of marriage. We recommend prioritizing each other in counseling sessions with couples, whether that be nights out or just setting aside time for one another, to communicate and remember why you like each other. I’m definitely not anti-date night. I just want to encourage those who aren’t in a phase of life where frequent date nights are possible–it’s really okay! Your marriage can survive and thrive! Thanks for reading and for your comment!
I’m a guy, and a husband who loves my Wife with every cell in my body. I would agree with the point you are getting at…..bottom line every moment/second of your marriage is a chance to show the gospel to your spouse and in showing the gospel you are loving your spouse fully. Obviously every marriage is different and some wives could care less on going out to eat and some…well it’s their love language and to be thought of to be given a break from the kids (we have 3 as well) really really speaks of caring and appreciation. Some may not even have the budget to do such a thing because dates are expensive (true dates at nice restaurants). But with all that to say, you make an excellent point in saying that a date night for an hour at a restaurant doesn’t mean you have a healthy marriage. True healthy marriages are found in those couples who strive to work hard, trust Christ, and love their spouse with gospel centered hearts and motives. That is how I show love to my Wife. Keep it up.
Great points, Scott! Thanks for reading and for your comments!
Thank you for writing this…for thinking it! When I had my first baby and a number of times after that, people would tell me we “had” to have weekly (!) date nights in order to preserve our marriage. WEEKLY date nights. We didn’t do it and even to think of that much time going out without the baby/kids would have been such a burden. I’m just glad there is someone else out there who doesn’t believe frequent date nights without kids will preserve their marriage. I have now been married 40 years and we’ve had very, very few date nights. Goodness, we didn’t really date during our dating years, preferring just to spend our time together. It would have been weird to focus so much on going out after we were married!
Goodness, Carol! Weekly date nights??! Who has the time or money? Thanks so much for sharing your experience!
Oh yes! I was just explaining to someone why my husband and I don’t often do date nights. We make each other the priority most of the time! We don’t have to ‘carve out’ time for us because we don’t let poker/bunco/book club/PTA/moms night out/etc be more important than our time together. Thank you for saying this so eloquently.
My wife never wanted to be away from the children, but one of the things she loves is to get away from the sink and the kitchen. When she was doing daycare in our home she couldn’t wait to get out the door when the last child left on Friday afternoon. A slice of pizza, a cheap burger, it didn’t matter. We packed up the kids and we were out of there. Later, when the boys were older and she got a job outside the home she still liked getting out of the kitchen on Friday evenings. We “dated” on special occasions but rarely had a sitter unless we were visiting family. But most of the time we like it at home.
I think each couple has to decide on their own how to manage their time and money.
Thank you for writing this! (And your more recent post on romance) I am a mom with 3 biological children, foster children, and far far away from family. Date nights have been a struggle for my husband and I and it used to bother me. But I agree that it’s been over emphasized at points. We have learned the secret of date nights in, when the kids go to bed a little early etc. In fact I find when we do go out it tends to be more distracting than our porch dates or sitting by the fire pit. Those are precious moments and conversations that we’ve never had at any restaurant. Anyway, love your blog! I especially like your about me and why you keep it. 🙂