I am constantly seeing different posts on Facebook about the kind of man we ought to marry or the kind we ought to wait for or the kind we deserve. The hypothetical creatures that are described in these memes will supposedly do everything from standing in the rain with us to making us breakfast in bed to pampering us when we’re having our period. They will call us “darling” and apologize even when we’re wrong and will treat us like a child when we want them to and like a grown up when we want them to. They’ll hold us when we cry and hold us when we are throwing a fit and hold us when we are being a spoiled brat. They will give us money for whatever we want. They will never question us. They will rub our feet and warm our towel in the dryer during the hot bath that they drew for us. They will greet us with roses on a regular basis, and they will always, most definitely, understand all the inner workings of our mind. And, if they don’t, then they will acknowledge their idiocy and our brilliance.
I’m not really sure how these things keep getting passed around, or why so many women seem to feel that men like this exist. And, I suppose the bigger question is: why would you want a man like this? The make-believe figures that keep making the rounds on social media sound to me like husbands who will in no way challenge you or help you to grow as a person. Do we REALLY want men who are so afraid of us that they would never question us? Do we really believe that we are so privileged or perfect that we never need questioning?
Are these the men that single women are really waiting for? Are married women really convinced that posting such things will motivate their husbands to be different?
I’m so confused.
Here’s the truth. Men are human beings, just like women are human beings. But, we have let silly movies and fantasies lead us to believe that the REALLY good men are different. That they spend their entire day dreaming up ways to pamper us. We fool ourselves into thinking that the really good men leave love notes and wash dishes and plan elaborate trips and show up with diamonds they can’t afford. We live in our chick flick haze and we get upset when our really good men go to work and play with the kids and mow the yard and make sure the tires on our cars are okay. We are dissatisfied when our really good men sit on the couch and watch football. We just don’t feel special enough when our really good men smile across the room because, you know, no flowers, no chocolates, no handmade book of memories, no rose petal paths to anyplace.
It’s just getting absurd. You want to know if you have a REALLY good man? Here’s a test for you. Does he love God? Does he love you? Does he work hard? Does he come home? Does he love your children? If so, then you’ve got a good one.
I remember one night many years ago. Chad came home late, and it had snowed. Our normally ugly rundown little neighborhood was covered in a beautiful, clean blanket of glittery white snow. He came to the door, and he was flushed and looked freezing. I could tell he was excited. He led me out the front door of our little house, and I stood on the porch and read the words he had stamped into the snow with his now soaked tennis shoes: Chad loves Melissa. It was a sweet, sincere, spur-of-the-moment expression of his love.
And, I wasn’t satisfied with it.
I wondered why he put so little effort into showing his care for me. I had been duped into believing that really good men make showy, elaborate, breath-taking statements of their love. And, because I was so determined that that meant money spent and plans made well in advance, I missed, in that moment, the beauty of the showy, elaborate, breath-taking statement that he had stamped out in our snowy front yard in the middle of the night.
Don’t worry. I see it now.
Please, please, dear wives and women who are waiting: Don’t miss the really good man who is right in front of you because you are too focused on the imaginary men that you have read about in books or seen in movies. Not every day has to be a fairy tale. Some days are all paying bills and buying dog food and eating leftovers. Some days are all annoying habits and not enough sleep. Some days are better and some are worse. But, we promised to stick close through both types of days. And, we should never, ever lose our wonder at the miracle of living life together.
If we will only learn to appreciate our really good men for who they are what they do, then one day, when they leave the last Oreo for us or when they make sure our car registration is up to date or when they wink at us across a crowded room, we’ll remember that real romance is so much more than diamonds and whatever Nicholas Sparks dreams up. The really good men deserve better than our constant criticism and dissatisfaction. The grass isn’t greener in chick flick land. It’s astroturf. Stick to your own yard, where your really good man is probably mowing. That’s true romance.
Great reminder! Thanks!
I agree wholeheartedly! And I DO have a really good God-fearing man. I’m so thankful! My children have a great example of what to be (for the boys) and what to look for in a future husband. Thanks for writing this
A good man’s example is not just for the boys. A good man and father also provides an example for the daughters for the type of man they should find for their partner.
Oops, just saw your last sentence. So we are in agreement 🙂
Thanks, Stacia and Chantry!
I appreciate this because I would like to think that I am one of those good guys you are talking about. I will admit that I wait hand and foot on my wife a bit but that is just my way of “giving back” to the blessing I have in my wife. I don’t have much money and we are both teachers, so doing these good deeds for her is my way of showing how much I love her.
This is excellent!!
Thank you, Marta!
I love this. My husband and I like to joke that now instead of flowers, he buys me my favorite toilet paper. (I know it’s silly, but one time we tried a new kind of toilet paper, and I didn’t like it, so the next day, when he came home from work, he brought a giant package of my favorite toilet paper. We laughed at what our newlywed selves would have thought to know that toilet paper would one day be so romantic.) I definitely have a REALLY good man!
Ha, Michelle! It’s the little things! 🙂
Thank you so much. I really needed to hear this today. I am astonished at how I view the perfect husband and am Xing out any man in my life who doesn’t fit this picture. How sad and awful! Thank you again. This really helped me recenter my perspective and focus clearly. God bless you!
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment!
Thanks so much for the reminder! I have a really good man(THE BEST, in my opinion!), and I am praying that his daily sacrifices for our family are helping our daughters to see what is important in a husband! (As well as showing our boys what being a man is all about, too! It just hit me that boys need to see what a true man looks like, too!)
God is using your writing to encourage and refocus me!
Blessings to you!
Amy
So great! Thanks, Amy!
Hi ! I don’t expecty husband to be perfect but all I want is to be loved is that selfish He seems to think it is .
And all too often, people are SO duped into believing this unrealistic fairy tale is supposed to be reality, that when they get married and life doesn’t really look like this, they assume they chose poorly, ditch that spouse, and pick another one — who, for obvious reasons, still can’t measure up. 🙁
Right. It’s such a heart-breaking cycle.
AMEN!!!!
Thanks, Jim!
Amazing piece!
Thanks, Christina!
You have a really good insight about that!. It is so true. Some women or should I say most women do want a make believe man! They set their sights so hi that no man can even or ever get so close to them. Because they are so afraid of letting them inside their mind because then they might find out what they think of any given situation. The thing is for men to understand that no woman they meet is going to ever be like their mother. They need to quit being fooled by the fact that they have boobs and a butt or that they look like as homely as Ann Landers. I have started to understand that there is no one I say no one alike! So you’re not going to find the most loving woman or the most passing woman that cover and follows your every need. That can be said for most men also I am afraid. Guys and women just need to wake up and be real with their feeling. And realize that they aren’t necessarily going to meet the perfect woman and likewise woman meeting the perfect man. Women and men, the perfect opposite sex doesn’t exist! Unless of coarse his name is JESUS !!!
Thank you!
Great post! So very very true!
Thanks, Charne!
As much as I love the chick flicks and the “romance” they portray, I’d love to have the real man you describe. One who loves God and loves me. I smiled when you told the story of the snow message. I long for that. Maybe one day God will see fit to bring this 50 year old, never married, still hoping girl someone like that.
Well Mamm,I as a guy realized a while ago, well actually about 5yrs ago that I needed to be honest with myself and how much of a man I was still trying to be. See for a long time ago I thought I was the perfect mate.Then I ended up getting divorced 3 times. One of these days I’ll tell you my whole story if you care to listen to it. It’s A big one that still isn’t done. But the perfect man I am not!I know I have flaws and I’m trying to correct everything I can now a days. I wasn’t honest with myself or hardly anyone. But I do understand like I said, there is not or ever will be a perfect mate. Maybe if the opposite sex lowers their standards they might be able to find THEIR perfect mate.
The men in those other memes always make me think of a robot. Kind of scary.
I am so grateful for the imperfect, lovable, man God gave me. Makes my life interesting and fun.
Very sweet, Amy!
Love love love!! Thank you!!!
Thanks, Lisa!
Thanks Melissa! I feel lighter…
This is good to hear cause the sad part is my brother is the guy in the chick flicks. He mad homemade tea for one girl he dated who was sick, then a homemade card and cake made from scratch for a different one, he would go out of his way to bring his girlfriend food when she was hungry or a coat or blanket when she was cold but you know what that stuff meant nothing to those girls. He either got cheated on or left for the ex they were complaining about. The sad thing is that women fantasize about these things but if they actually got them they wouldn’t care.
Wow! This is amazing, good, convicting. Thank you so much!
Not all really good men believe in God. You don’t have to believe in God to be a good Person either. Otherwise pretty true.
I Understand that! I didn’t say you (had) to have God. But most should if they’ve lived in sin most of there life! Which most if not all of everyone has which the bible says anyway. Cause if you go way back to Adam and Eave we are all sons and daughters of them. Which means we were taught in their ways… Those ways went against the lord God. I’m not one to go against God and I did about 5 years ago and took a life in a vehicle accident. Not to mention my own 3 times. So yes I prays God for as much as I can! If you do not, then so be it. Suffer his consequences! You have a blessed day Sir!
This is such a hatefilled and misspelled reply. If god is so living, there shouldnt be consequences…and YOU should not get to say “burn in hell” and live with a clean conscious. Not believing in god and being threatened with the bible or hell, is the equivalent of being told santa wont bring us any gifts…as an adult who doesnt believe in santa.
You can believe in god, thats fine, but you may not imply that your beliefs are the end all be all for everyone else, and those who dont agree have no worth. If you need religion to be a good person and have morals, you lack empathy, not god.
Living should be loving
Thank you. Seriously.
We never got gifts on holidays for each other… But he brought me flowers one time, with a card attached that said, “Just because, because!” After 44 years of marriage and he has now been in heaven for 11 years… I still have and treasure that card, and Him! 🙂 <3
The point I like most about this article is having a posture of gratitude. In marriage, we are to love sacrificialy, without an expectation that we will get paid back. Both people are looking out for the other. But I feel that this article also misses a crucial point. . Ladies (and men), that deep longing in your heart for romantic love is NOT wrong. God put that in us so that we would desire each other, but most importantly desire Him. God pursues you daily and his love will blow you away. He stores up abundant pleasures for those who love him. If you are feeling guilty because you have a good man, but are still feeling dissatisfied, you need to look deeper to the author of love. You are never too much for Him. And your time with him is the only way you will be able to have the ability to love sacrificialy those around you. Do not starve yourself from what you need most. God has given us the ability to dream. And though chic flicks often miss the mark about what true love is, they are an expression of that deep longing that has only one way of being quenched.
Hope, I love that you bring up how God has put that deep longing in our heart for romantic love, AND looking to God. I find myself in need of seeking God more and more…. Husband is a work-aholic, OCD, do for others kind of person, who hardly speaks to me. I don’t know what you think, but I think I need a new guy. My role is fifth place, 1)his mother (may she rest in peace), 2) his father, even more now because of Alzheimer’s,3) brother-in-law – divorced, drug addicted alcoholic,4) his job NOW HERE’S #5 –ME!
Hi Bee, it sounds like your family is going through a lot right now. It must be hard for you to have a father-in-law and brother-in-law who are struggling. It seems that in his care of his family, you feel that your husband has forgotten your needs. I do not know all the factors, but it seems that he has a lot on his plate and is struggling through grief over his family. Under all this pressure, I am sure that he views his unfaltering commitment to his job as provision and protection for you.
I don’t know how much you have talked through any of this with your husband, but if you feel that you both are hitting a wall, perhaps it is a good time to considering counselling. Marriage is hard and often times an outside perspective helps. I have to tell you that I do not think a new man will solve your problem.
I know it is difficult, but in this season, and in any season, Jesus must be your solid rock, without a shadow of a doubt. And you have to depend on him completely to take care of your needs. You have to bring your hurt and pain to him. Let Jesus minister to you in your time with him in prayer and through the Bible. When you are fully engaging with God, I think you will begin to get more clarity in how to reconcile with your husband. (I am making an assumption that you are a Christian).
Consider the reasons you got married. Consider that you pledged to stand with your man in any season, difficult or easy. Consider that Christ gave up everything and suffered more than anyone so that he could be with you forever. This is the example of love that he sets for our relationships with others.
It is not wrong to have expectations, and healthy relationships work through those together, but even if your husband stopped loving you (which I don’t think he has) you are able to remain wholly loved and satisfied in Christ.
I highly recommend seeking counsel. And if you feel endangered in anyway, do not hesitate talk to someone who can help you. But I believe that God can restore your relationship and bring healing to this situation.
I waited and I’m glad I did. Not only is my husband like the “hypothetical creatures” but he does love the family, goes to church, and challenges me to be the best that I can be. Too many times I wanted to quit everything, but he stood by me and said ‘You can do this’ and I didn’t quit. I could have settled for someone of ‘lesser expectations’ but I would have never been happy. So yes I agree that most men will never meet most women’s standards, but there are some that do, and when they are taken, they are taken. I’ll beat someone off with a stick if I have to to keep my ‘hypothetical creature’ thank you very much.
Here’s a test for you. Does he love God? YES, BUT DOESN’T ALWAYS LIVE LIKE IT. Does he love you? NOT SURE AS HE DOESN’T TELL ME ABOUT SOMETHING UNLESS IT IS TO CRITICIZE AND HIS ‘ILOVE YOU’ IS ONLY SAID AFTER I SAY IT. Does he work hard? YES, MOST OF THE TIME. Does he come home? YES Does he love your children? HARD TO SAY–HE’S A PUSH-OVER IF THEY NEED SOMETHING, BUT FORGETS IMPORTANT THINGS. SO DO I HAVE A GOOD ON/
Maybe you can spend some time focusing on the second answer, “Not sure..” can be scary. Everyone is different, and every marriage works in their own unique way, so I can only share what has helped me personally. I took some some to learn more about my personality type (INFP, The Dreamer)and my husbands personality type (ESTJ, The Executive). We are complete opposites, personality wise. We’ve but heads, fought, and I have at times felt that we would never be able to live in harmony, convinced we are just two completely different people with different outlooks on life. It really helped me to learn about his personality. I could go on and tell you the ways it has helped, but I will not bore you unless this is a route you think you’d like to try, then I will talk with you all you would like 🙂
It helped me with the “not sure” of my own marriage. Maybe it can lead you in the right direction of figuring your your “not sure’s”.
Fantastic!!! Spot on for this day and age!! Thank you so much for this excellent post.
This is so on point! I just posted a similar blog about the same thing. Absolutely loved your thoughts.
Yeah, someone gets it! Life is not a fairytale. It is real. And love is real, even if it is not a fairytale.
Let’s not forget that good relationships are a two-way street and that to be successful, each individual needs to bring their best to the table each day. (married at 20, going on 45 yrs)
Love this!!! It’s great to read this reminder after being married to a “really good man” for 32 years! Thank you!!
I hear this often and I think it’s so quaint,
“My wife is my best friend.” Well mine ain’t.
She’s the best person I’ve ever known,
But she has her friends and I have my own.
Friendship can end at the drop of a feather,
Love is the thing that keeps people together.
I do agree with you I really do! It’s a give and take on both ends and one or the other shouldn’t have to do all things. For the man I do believe he brings home the money! But now a days there isn’t to many guys that can make it without the wife helping. Because as you know there isn’t even some that are willing to change a diaper,cook dinner,do laundry,grocery shop,clean the rooms in the house,sweep the floors,then mop the floors,clean toilets and showers, and we’re the ones that have a hard job. In my opiniona week of work is equal to one day of there’s! I’m not saying men don’t have a hard job but women do all that and then we have the BALLS to tell them to have a good rest of the week at work! Some of us are that way anyhow. I think I had some good teachers my self and the fact that I’ve gone through 3 divorces. My Father and Mother. Thank GOD they’re still alive. 76 I believe. They have been married for I think 55 years and that makes me very happy. For them to have a wonderful mate for that long of their lives.
YES! #nailonthehead I shared on Facebook and I have one of those REALLY good men too! Thx for this reminder! I will keep it to read once a week!
Thank you for giving me hope that women still think this way…… Dating at 53 can be a pickle !
This is SO great, and yes, I have a great man! Didn’t always think so, but I sure do now. And this is SOOOOO important for the young dating woman to read! I will pass it around for them, even moreso than the married ladies. Single women throw away good men for the trivial reasons you mentioned, the chick flick reasons. I’m tired of seeing the broken hearts from short sighted reasons. Your words are so true, and such wisdom for the single woman, including my two young daughters
. THANK YOU!
🙂
Yes! Yes! And yes! Mine bought me a toothbrush the other day because he noticed mine was worn out..it’s the little, simple things that truly are the big things <3
One of the most romantic things my husband did for me was looking through the trash when I lost my wedding ring. I’d lost weight and he found it amongst the potato feelings
Excellent, excellent article. Thank you for articulating this so well. I want to share it far and wide, but my only hesitation is the image in the post. I want to share it with young ladies, but I’d rather not have the image…
I have an amazing man who doesn’t love God. Yet. He is more than I could have hoped for, and I know God loves him more than I ever could, which is why I know he will be my God fearing husband one day. Until then he is almost perfect.
Everything in the first paragraph is my husband… I love him and reading this made me appreciate him even more
You officially have my favorite for a blog name!
🙂
I have said it before and I will say it again: Twilight ruined an entire generation of future husbands and wives. I think we all wish that our men would be a bit more romantic at times, but if you have a good one, he is tired from working to provide for his family so give the guys a break. I also believe that you realize the small things are the best things when you have stuck together through the really bad times and/or you almost lose them. I know both were true for me. So incredibly thankful I have a real good man. ❤️
Those men do exists. I happen to be one of the very lucky few who has the chick flick husband. My hubby will run me a hot bath after he see’s I’ve had a stressful day, even though he has just worked an 11hr shift.
Breakfast in bed isn’t reserved for a special occasion. He holds me while i cry, hugs me after having a silly fight. Tells me he loves me everyday.
My husband and I don’t make a big deal about valentine’s day or anniversaries. He doesn’t buy me roses or chocolates. But he does rub my back everynight, he makes me tea and toast at 3am in the morning after a girls night out, he never lets us go to sleep fighting, kisses me good bye every morning and is an amazing parent.
These men exist, you just need to appreciate them as much as they appreciate you ♡
Ha! So glad I’m not a big chick flick fan. I grew up on Indiana Jones & Han Solo. So I married Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome who could make me laugh, protect me…and drove a beat up Camaro that wasn’t quite the Millennium Falcon. Close enough. 20 years later, I can honestly say…it’s not the years honey, it’s the mileage.
Great. I found a good man after having dated a bad man. We’ve been married for 30 years now. He shovels the snow, mows the lawn, drove the kids to and from college for eight years. Took his vacation during break school breaks to be with the kids. I should make a list of all his wonderful attributes. Not a lot of flowers…but faithful and a lot of hard work.
Thank you for calling out yet another “idol” our culture has made about what a perfect man should be/look like. It was a good reminder to be thankful for the wonderful man with which God has blessed me and my boys. Our marriage isn’t perfect, it’s not always ideal, but it is wonderful in many ways. Thank you again.
Written by a woman whose husband doesn’t do the sweet little things obviously. Lol
Hey, mine does do sweet little things for me, and it’s ok to like being pampered when they do. It’s also ok to pamper them. No, not everyday is going be rainbows and romance, but part of love is always making sure we show it throughout our relationships. That’s how we keep them going. Never stop doing the sweet little things for each other.
No, my husband doesn’t draw me a bath (unless I’m sick and he would if I asked). He’s never warmed my towel (and I’m sure he never will), but he does writer me little love notes, help me around the house, cook dinner, occasionally pop up with a surprise late, or chocolate, or just any little luxury he knows I like. He rubs my feet, we still have dates…..
And guess what? All of that SHOWS he loves me. Love is a verb. Let’s not forget it. He loves me, loves God, loves our children, and loves our grandchildren. He works, he is a family man. No, life is not a romantic comedy, but you don’t and shouldn’t settle for a man who only chases you and does nice things for you until he thinks he has caught you. That’s how many wind up divorced. They quit doing the things they did to woo each other and they grow apart.
Keep showing love.
Michele, you couldn’t be more wrong about my husband. I could (and have) written thousands of words about all that he does for me and is to me. Very happy that you have such a good marriage! Thanks for your comment.
What a great post! My hubby took yesterday off of work to spend the day with me. I have pancreatic cancer and the chemo treatments make me pretty sick. I am sick two weeks out of every month. My dear sweet husband wanted to make sure I had a special day before my next chemo treatment, which is tomorrow. I love my man!!
When he gives the bubble wrap to you instead of the kids b/c he knows how much you like it, you’ve got a good man. 🙂 Great article.
I really enjoyed reading this article. What I find interesting is that there is little discussion or acknowledgement that these “perfect man” romantic ideologies are in many ways sexist. It is akin to the vintage expectation of women having dinner ready when their man gets home. The perfect wife is docile, submissive, and caters hand and foot for their hardworking Man. He’s the king of the household you know. Did the previous sentence make anybody cringe when they read or thought about that antiquated ideology? That is the same type of servile mentality in a mate that, in recent years, has been posited and emphasized/applauded for women while the same is repressed and trodden upon/demonized for men. The issue is that this servile mentality is exploitative and degrading and should never be in the lexicon or cognition of what a healthy relationship entails. Is your man/woman your house servant or are they your partner? You can’t have both.
Sorry ladies…the article does disservice to an abused woman who is married to a “Christian husband”.Just heaps more misplaced guilt. I know of very few women that are in ” prince charming lala land”. Most of those that I know do not readily accept their own limitations and become really great enablers!
Much better you should marry a muslime man who is authorised by his ancient “holy” book (and even the “religions” common “modern” practice) to beat his wife. Or even to kill her if she brings (in his opinion) dishonor on HIS family. And in muslime countries he can drag you into the town square and yell “I divorce you” three times and leave you standing there with only the clothes on your back. Is that evil Christian looking any better to you yet?
Well done.
I love this!! Me and my husband have been together for 11 years – it took me a while to see the big picture… now he works out of town and I have learned not to take those little things for granted!