I’m a mere two years into the whole pastor’s wife thing. I have spent the majority of my adult life as a church member, serving where I could, being served and ministered to by the church, and making wonderful relationships within the congregations we’ve been a part of.
Then, one day I woke up, and it was Sunday, and my husband was the one standing behind the pulpit.
I felt no different. I had no miraculous transformation into a more dynamic or Christ-like person. Yet, here I was, sitting on the front row while the man I sleep next to preached God’s word to me. It was a strange day, that first Sunday. I had inadvertently earned a sort of round-about title due to my husband’s profession, yet I was still just myself, struggling in the same areas, being too quiet when I should talk, saying too much when I should listen, snapping at the kids on a day when I should be extra patient, forgetting everyone’s names during the greeting time. I was as ordinary as ever. As imperfect as ever. I felt exactly the same as I always had.
I still do.
That’s not to say that I haven’t grown in my faith in these years. I think I have. I have changed, as time changes all of us. But, I have not become more like a pastor’s wife. Whatever that gleaming, golden image is that people tend to hold up as the ultimate pastor’s wife, I am not her. And, the truth is that almost no pastors’ wives are her. Everyone has her own personality, own set of strengths and weaknesses, own unique circumstances, own ideas and ways of doing things.
The truth is that becoming a pastor’s wife is not a sudden cure for our less desirable personality traits. And, it isn’t an instant sanitizer to get rid of all of our sin issues. Yet, I have realized that this is what I always expected of my pastors’ wives. I criticized them (behind closed doors) for what I saw as personality flaws. I held them to a standard that I didn’t feel that I was called to maintain. And, I was unfair in my expectations that they should do things the way I thought best.
God, forgive me. Sweet sisters, forgive me.
Because now I know. Two years into this gig, I finally get it. There is no instant holiness or friendliness or greatness or charm that comes with stepping into the role of pastor’s wife. The truth is that pastors’ wives struggle with many of the same inferiority complexes, stresses, worries, weaknesses, and emotions as anyone else. And, I don’t know why I expected my pastors’ wives to be above all of that. I was attached to that golden idol that I had built in my head that said that my pastor’s wife should be doing this or that for me. I wish instead that I had thought of ways to minister to her, like the wonderful women at our church do.
I have learned so much by watching their stunning example–they have loved me from the start, for exactly who I am. There were no golden images to tear down. They see me as an imperfect human being in a unique position who needs friendship, support, and love. I only wish I had been so Christ-like toward my own pastors’ wives through the years.
Please remember this about that woman who is sitting on the front row on Sunday, the one who sleeps next to your pastor. She has a strange calling that is difficult to define. Allow her to fulfill her role in a way that suits her personality. Reach out to her. Be a loyal friend to her. And, don’t put her up on some lonely pedestal to waste away under critical eyes. Thank you to my church family for showing me how happy and fun and exciting being a pastor’s wife can be, if only she has sisters who walk with her. And, thank you to my former pastors’ wives for loving me despite my unrealistic expectations and selfish notions of who you should be. I still have so much to learn.
Be patient with me, church. God is working everywhere–even on the front row.
You Melissa are fulfilling the Pastors Wife role beautifully. We are blessed to have you here. You minister to us in your gift of a beautiful and talented musical voice and your leadership with the young children in our church. As a Mother you are doing an amazing job raising your children and as the always supportive wife. We are in a great place in the life of our church. As a member, I’m enjoying this season with you, Chad and your awesome children. Thank you!
Thank you for putting into words my same feelings! I love being the pastor’s wife. I am honored when they call me “the pastor’s wife” but also I am at a loss most days as what they expect from me. Cause like you I have looked at my former pastor wives and at times asked why aren’t they doing this or that. So wrong of me. We are all flawed human beings trying to walk out our faith. My prayer is that I am sensitive to what He has called me to do for today in ministering to my husband, kids and those who make up our congregation. It changes from day to day and hopefully it changes me to be more like Him.
I don’t know you but please remember the reason people expect more of you is because those who are given more, are expected to give more
Hey Jan please remember that we have all been given the same things. Salvation hence a testimony to steward. The great commission which encompasses our service in the church. And the responsibility to honor and glorify God. The pastor of a church is simply a sheep working for the shepherd. And his wife is simply another sheep. When we put too much focus on the pastor or his wife that creates problems in the church and spirtual lives of the members. Because To be a saved person you have the same spiritual responsibility. You in your shower of influence have a testimony to steward. We are all called to serve God and love others. The arm of flesh will fail you – God never will. We ought to follow God rather than men – some we of apollos and some were of Paul – but that caused a problem – we are to follow God! Check out James 2:1:) have a great day:)
Jan, God called my husband into the ministry. I follow my husband in ministry, but I am not the minister. Most minister’s wives work in the secular world. We strive everyday to live our lives pleasing to God. Please remember we are human and will make mistakes. I’m glad to know by God’s grace I am forgiven.
GIVEN more?!?!? You obviously have no idea what this role requires. GIVING more is what you should have said.
And don’t forget — the same applies to PK’s 🙂
My husband and I were married 19 years when God called him into the ministry. We at the time had a High School Sophmore and a 7th grader. It was a tough transition. Suddenly we lived in a glass house and everyone watched everything we did. It’s not like we lived an immoral life, our way of living didn’t change, but we most definitely felt on guard as to what we said and did. Fourteen years later I can say life as a Pastor’s wife is good. As Melissa has so eloquently written, please remember we are just like you. Yes we are held to a higher standard, but we are human.
I loved this. I’ve been a pastor’s wife for a year and a half. You said exactly what my heart feels. THANK YOU!!
Thank you for expressing what I’ve been unable to express. It’s hard to live up to an entire church’s expectations. I’m just as flawed as anyone else out there but because my husband is the pastor I’m not only watched more but criticized more. And don’t mention the kids. The way they’re expected to be perfect makes my blood boil. But I’m the pastors wife. I’m not supposed to be angry. I’m supposed to play piano, teach Sunday school, bake covered dishes, and be at the church every time the doors are open for any event. With my angelic kids and perfectly coiffed hair and in style clothes. So thank you. Thank you for being brave enough to say something. We’re a small group that can only be understood from within.
Dear Clare, I think you are great. A great wife, a great mother, a GREAT PASTOR’S WIFE! Great listener, while I ramble on and on you never show your impatience. You and Pastor Jason control your children together and take responsibility for them equality. It’s not just one of you running after the little ones all the time. You have an absolutely gorgeous voice, as does the pastor. Your talents complement each other. So do your physical appearances. I’m so glad to have you as our pastor’s wife. He did a good job with his choice…..couldn’t have made a better one. Love you, Rebecca
You have put into words what a lot of us feel or have felt! We had been married 17 years when my husband felt the call to ministry, then 5 years later, to serve Him overseas. So those feelings were compounded…not only to be the ‘perfect pastor’s wife’ but now the perfect ‘M’! But through His grace, mercy & love, like you, I have grown in my faith, and have learned to rely on Him so much more! Thank you for your encouraging words. Blessings to you as you continue your journey, Linda
So so true. You have been a huge blessing to me tonight. If only at times i could get some of the members to realize what you wrote!!