No Swimsuits in Heaven

Originally posted June 2, 2014.

I know there will be no swimsuits in Heaven.  None at all.  Because Heaven is a place of joy, where there are no tears or sorrow.  And, buying a swimsuit is all about mourning and great gnashing of teeth.

Today I was forced to go and shop for a swimsuit because we’re going swimming with the kids’ cousins in just a few days.  Walking into a swimsuit department is like walking into a comedy club in some ways.  I laugh a lot.  I laugh at the the tiny squares of fabric.  I laugh at the ridiculous prices.  I laugh at the weird Hawaiian prints in strange colors.  I even laugh about how the reason I wear clothes is so people WON’T know what I look like naked.

Yes, I laugh all the way to the dressing room, my arms loaded down with every single style in the store, just in case.  And then I put 47 different swimsuits on and I laugh and laugh and laugh.

And just so you know, when I say “laugh,” I mean cry hysterically.

Who decided that swimsuits needed to be nothing more than glorified, over-priced underwear?  What happened to this:

Those girls look good and they know it.  And, they actually look dressed.  I could totally go for a swimsuit like this, if only it were 1906.  It would almost be worth the possible exposure to polio just to be able to wear a get-up like this to take my kids swimming.

Y’all.  I’m serious about this stuff.

I did buy a suit today.  It’s red.  The color of the devil.  Don’t EVEN get me started.