I’ve noticed a trend in Christian circles, especially among Christian women on the internet. Before saying something harsh, self-righteous, or preachy, women will sometimes use the word “gently.” As in “Gently, you’re absolutely delusional.” “Gently, you should completely reevaluate who you are as a person.” “Gently, you’re what’s wrong with the world.” It feels like the equivalent of standing toe-to-toe with someone and saying the word “gently” before slapping them in the face.

I am a person who cares about words. Words matter to me, and I believe that words truly matter to humankind. So it bothers me when I see that we are causing words to lose their meaning because of the way we use them. “Gently” is a good example of this. The word may as well not exist at the beginning of such harsh comments, and putting it there feels like the strangest kind of joke. Calling the comment gentle doesn’t make it gentle.

Other phrases are used in a similar way: “with all due respect” and “no offense,” for example. But those phrases aren’t Christian. Gentleness, on the other hand, is a fruit of the Spirit. It’s something that is meant to pour out of Christian people as the Holy Spirit moves and works in us. So, to wrongly use the word “gently” before making a harsh, puffed up, or even cruel remark seems especially grievous.

What does it actually mean to say something gently? It means showing more interest in loving the person you’re speaking to than in being proven right. It means being humble. It means tempering your passion, your anger, your desire to feel self-righteous. Gentleness only comes through the working of the Holy Spirit in your life, but it feels like many times we don’t even want that fruit. I’ve noticed that some of the harshest, least gentle Christians are some of the most theologically astute, but, like the Pharisees, miss the point.

We should consider how gentle we are being in our daily interactions with people, especially online, where it is so easy to make a quick, pithy, hard remark. We should think about how we speak to other Christians, since scripture tells us that the watching world will know we love Jesus when they see us loving each other. (John 13:35) We should consider who our pastor heroes are. Are we being influenced by pastors who like putting people in their place, who can’t control their own passions, who would rather get an attaboy from their friends than show humble love and care for someone? We should think about how our overblown political opinions can ruin opportunities to give gentle answers.

We don’t live in a gentle world. That’s one reason gentleness is such a great testimony to those around us. When we speak truth gently, with sincerity, we show a harsh, sarcastic, unfeeling world who Jesus really is.

Gently, we need more of that.